Quote: Interesting, isn't this philosophy what the LD counts on? The lower desire (least interest) has the power.
Perhaps in some relationships the whole issue of sexual frequency revolves around as an aspect of power. But I certainly don't think it is an absolute, nor am I sure that it is even the major factor.
After reading this board and others and tracing various threads and some folks back into the past, the factors that are playing along in the SSMs represented are as varied as the people posting.
There are affair issues, physical issues, mental issues, in-law issues, financial issues, relational issues, religious issues, alcohol issues, cultural issues, work issues. family of origin issues, sexual inexperience issues, rape issues, porn issues, former marriage issues, expectation issues, entitlement issues -
As the LD wife in our relationship, I can assure you that "powerful" was not how I felt.
Quote: I also agree with you about the mutual respect. Were you making a comment toward me that I unintentionally missed on that...or was that a comment in general on the topic? Because I do absolutey agree with you on that.
Definitely a generalized comment.
I tend to "thought jump" sometimes and can wander off from the intial post, thanks for asking for clarification so I could look back and see that I forgot to drop the breadcrumbs along the trail...
Quote: I know my H would, the problem is...he does this when I don't know, so I hear about it second-hand. He is working on this though. I've explained to him that everyone I know (that he's talked to) knows how he feels about me because he tells them, but he doesn't ever tell me. He's working on this
I know what you mean. We both work on this one - taking the time to let the other person know what makes them special. Or what we admire about the other. I think marriages need a kind of "sit down and tell me things that are going to make me feel good about myself AND us".
Thanks for the thanks. We tend to come from the polar opposites in approaches while usually heading for the same goal.
I actually had a bit of a lightbulb moment myself in my last C session. I was having to let our C know what (non-sexual) things my H could that I would interperet as feeling loved...one of the things I listed was....(drum roll please) telling me how he feels about me!
Then I had my own anvil on the head moment where I realized....I don't exactly tell him how I feel about him either. Yes, I tell him I love him. Yes, I tell him I'm lucky to have him...but neither of those really tell him how I feel. Both of those things are fairly generic & safe. I obviously need to pull my head out of my own turtle shell. I know it's retreated back in there for fear of being whacked off...but time to take stock and work on this one myself
In relationships where sexual frequency has not been able to at least start toward some resolution, are there other areas of contention in the marriage that have not been resolved? How do you normally address differences in your relationship? Like job options, moving, holidays, vacations, major purchases, etc.
MrsNOP - whether my wife wants the power, has ill intentions with the power, or is ignorant of her power...in the end no matter how, she's got the power. My power lies in my ability to leave, to cope, to persuade, to work toward a solution etc.
I try and use the concept of being hungry. I'm starving and my wife has just grilled a steak with all the trimming and to top it off she has banana pudding (mmm getting hungry). But she's not hungry, in fact she's not sure if she’ll ever be hungry and will not allow me to have any until she's hungry. She's got the power. My choice is to make a sandwich, go out and get McDonalds, stay hungry.
I hope this explains what I’m trying to say about power in our relationship.
A LD spouse (male or female) will never recognize the "power" or "control" they have over the relationship.
Your steak anaolgy is very similar to the many that I've given my h...he get's the concept just doesn't seem to know how to apply it to our relationship sexual or otherwise....
here are but a few of the analogies I've given to rebut his "it's just the way I am" stance...
h is a Landscaper and therefore takes great care of our lawn...waters it, cuts it, fertelizes it, irates it, over seeds it twice a year, sprays for weeds, installed an irrigation system resets it at times during the season to ensure proper growth etc.
Now why would he think a relationship would prosper and grow when left to it's own?
Or how about my most recent response to the "it's just the way I am" stance (which I know may be easier for a mother to relate to)...You have a baby...that baby needs feeding and changing but it also needs to be cuddled, held, sung to, read to, rocked etc...you could just as easily put it in a swing and prop a bottle up when it's hungry and mechanincally change it's diaper but will it prosper and grow into a healthy happy child?
what I don't understand is how most often the LD spouse knows and at least on a basic level comprehends the negative impact of what they do/don't do they continue to be inactive and expect that grass (of a m, sex life) to grow into a lavish lawn without doing anything to ensure it does.
That was pretty much my point in asking you those questions One of my main frustrations in our M was that I was left to feel "guessing" about how he felt about me....I cannot impress on you enough how horrible that felt to me. In his mind he thought that since he married me and was with me...I should just "know" he loved me. Sorry, but it simply doesn't work that way for many women.
Mind if I ask what field you work in for a living? Our C has noticed a bit of a personality trait with men in my H's field of work.
Interesting, isn't this philosophy what the LD counts on? The lower desire (least interest) has the power.
Quote:
MrsNOP - whether my wife wants the power, has ill intentions with the power, or is ignorant of her power...in the end no matter how, she's got the power. My power lies in my ability to leave, to cope, to persuade, to work toward a solution etc.
Quote:
A LD spouse (male or female) will never recognize the "power" or "control" they have over the relationship.
On the subject of power, all the authorities cite that the LD spouse controls the frequency, context and type of sexual contact. I won’t argue it. However, I would venture that most LD spouses don’t view it as power. I would also venture to guess that the LD spouse feels as powerless over the situation as the HD spouse.
Empowerment, for me, came in the form of knowledge, understanding and ultimately, self-change. It had very little to do with my H, in fact. The dynamics in our relationship changed forever when I stopped being angry. I was truly able to communicate to him how much pain I was in only when I killed the anger. When I got a grip and stopped blaming him, it became clear that it was nobody’s fault. We were simply in marriage’s natural crucible. However, my years of pain had brought me to the point where I was truthfully able to tell him that I was going down the road of irrevocable change, and if our sexual relationship did not improve, I could not predict which would be the more painful of the two options (sex starved marriage vs end of marriage) for me. He understood that I was not trying to control or threaten, but merely being honest. We sat down and talked about a frequency that was acceptable to us both.
In retrospect, my H was never, ever cold or calculating about sex. In fact, he was often very giving. But I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.
I can tell you that the LD spouse in my marriage no longer controls the frequency or type of sexual contact. In fact, no one controls anything or anyone. It is not about power. I am still the HD in our marriage, but it feels very different to me now.
Quote: MrsNOP, I am almost CERTAIN you are right, but for us men this is a difficult and complex subject. On the one hand we are CONDITIONED to be understanding, caring, nurturing, ROMANTIC, thoughtful, etc., etc., etc. And then we're ALSO supposed to be the "bad boy" and strong and virile and protective and ....
I know. When we allow our culture to dictate what we are, confusion reigns. Because the culture, just like fashion, changes.
Quote: Further complicating this is that contemporary American women -- esp. mothers -- (and I'm generalizing here, so PLEASE don't everyone reply that they're different; I"m saying on AVERAGE) are often critical and controlling of their husbands' decision-making. "Here, honey, don't do it THAT way, let me show you..." starts very early with the newborn babies and continues long into the marriage.
You're right. We've tried to establish a standard that dads should be something of a second mom, while pushing the role of dad to the periphery of the family.
It's not easy trying to be a good, mature human - male or female - is it?
