I find it interesting that it sounds like you are defending him, are you?
Let me make a couple of observations. It's natural for people to get irritated with their kids...I too have flown out of bed because I resented the fact that I had to get up (AGAIN) with my child and I was tired, while my hubby got to slumber away undisturbed. That's perfectly natural.
Yelling and screaming, while not generally an acceptable form of communication is not physical abuse...why would he jump to that conclusion...perhaps because he's done that? Perhaps he knows he's capable of it? I don't know...but if you've never physically abused your children....why would he jump to that conclusion? It's not rational.
If you grabbed your H's arm and intervened when he grabbed your child, that's perfectly acceptable to me...in my view that's physically threatening your child at the least, you were doing what most protective mothers would have done.
I maintain he's projecting himself on to you...don't let him do that. Sure you have a temper, I do too (it comes with the red hair LOL). He's using it against you, but projecting his behavior onto you with it.
When he does this I'd call him on it...he's accusing you of the EXACT behavior of his...what makes it so wrong for you to behave that way (not that you do), but perfectly acceptable for him?
Quote: I find it interesting that it sounds like you are defending him, are you?
Wasn't intending to, but then again, it wouldn't be the first time.
Yes, the thought did cross my mind that he might be projecting. It was rather strange the way he said how sad he felt that I was so evil, it was rather spooky.
Thanks for reminding me that all mothers get frustrated some times. I know that, and in all honesty, I'm proud of my mothering skills, and it bothers me that I even considered letting H get to me like that...
Quote: If you grabbed your H's arm and intervened when he grabbed your child, that's perfectly acceptable to me...in my view that's physically threatening your child at the least, you were doing what most protective mothers would have done.
Actually, H grabbed S4a's arm, I just stepped in and firmly told him to let go, and get out and cool off. And I do agree that I did what any mother would have done. I just meant that that might have been where he picked up the idea of saying I would hurt the kids, 'cause I said that I hoped if I ever did, he would intervene.
I'm not going to spend too much time analyzing, 'cause I don't think it warrents that much time. What I suspect is that H feels he's loosing his grip, and is trying some way to keep me in the box.
I keep trying to find some explanation, since I don't want to believe that H could really be so cold.
Quote: -------------- What I suspect is that H feels he's loosing his grip, and is trying some way to keep me in the box. --------------
With the changes you are making, this is the most likely answer.
From what you have written lately, I just want to caution you about your responses to hubby. Do your best to keep them on an even keel, and try not to respond to 'hot button' issues. He is obviously baiting you at times.
Every time you respond to him 'the old way', he feels more comfortable and in control.
You seem to be holding up okay, but anytime you need to come here and spew, just have at it. No one is going to think less of you.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I'm not quite sure how to answer this without sounding defensive. But I'll take that chance.
Yes, there has been a bit of yelling between us. Our verbal interaction lately has been very stilted. Partly because, after his 'tantrum' I was afraid to talk to him at all. I wasn't sure for a long time what to say to him, or how to say it, as I didn't want to set him off.
Partly because, we don't spend time together. Which is due to our work schedules being opposite, and the time we do have together being spent in front of the computer, or watching TV. We did start taking walks together this fall, the last one H actually did walk with me, and not 5 paces ahead...but that stopped, and it's only now that I even feel I could start it up again.
The kids? No. I don't yell. There *are* times I loose my patience. I do raise my voice. Probably more lately, as I have 2 almost 5 yr old males who are pushing their limits as far as they will go.
There are times when I say to my kids, 'Please go easy on me tonight, I'm stressed, and I don't want to get mad.'
And there are times they yell at me.
I would say we have a pretty normal relationship. Really.
The other night was not a normal night. We were all hungry, D7 in particular, as she is very picky, and hadn't eaten anything at school, not too much when she got home. That + H's yelling when he came in didn't help much. D7 actually asked me later why H hadn't yelled at her (for some reason he doesn't much, I suspect it's 'cause he knows it has no effect, she's a very strong little lady, and doesn't pay much attention to him. He knows he can't get to her. I'm very very proud of her.)
I have been dwelling on the bad. Tonight, H came home, only a slightly off comment to me about how he didn't want to tell me that the skating party at school was tomorrow night, not tonight, because I know everything, then went upstairs.
Shortly after, the kids went up + played computer games with him. He took the 3 younger ones to the store to buy new gloves, since they've worn theirs out! D9 stayed home with me and helped me make dinner. We had a good convo, about silly things, and she mentioned that last night, when I went out to the store after H came home, they had had fun singing songs together. She was happy about that, and I said how happy I was to hear it. She's the one most affected by the stress, though when we get to spend time together, just the two of us, it helps tremendously. She's always been a high-strung kid. Very bright, and very demanding of affection and calm.
We all had dinner together, very pleasant. These days do happen, and tonight H was in a better mood than he's been in a long time. Maybe he got whatever out of his system, maybe he feels good that he pushed my buttons, whatever. If I knew how to keep this going, and then build on it, I would.
I just need to work on me. I've been spending the day beating up on myself. And nursing a cold. I was a bit dissapointed, since I finally the other night felt I was getting somewhere with meditation, and now it'll be a few days before I can sit still without coughing and sneezing every few seconds. Guess it's a good lesson.
FF, I didn't mean to sound like I was jumping on you (and sorry you're feeling bad). I don't have kids, never had any, and I'm also an only child, so I don't know what a "normal" level of-- shall we call them-- "high energy encounters" is in a household with little kids. It just struck me that many of the scenarios you talk about are your H telling you to stop yelling at him and vice versa. I think you've also said that you worry about his speaking sharply to the kids more often that you think is healthy or necessary. I don't want you to feel like you have to defend yourself... it was just an observation based on the teeny slice of your life that we see on this board... hmmm... teeny slice... I could go for a teeny slice of cheesecake right about now... or a teeny slice of pie... must get back to work.
Well, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching. Thinking a lot about my part in getting us to this point, which isn't fun...and to be honest, it's been pretty self-centering, not really interacting much with H at all, good or bad.
Did come home on Tues eve. at 10:30 pm to find both girls still awake, H down in the sauna with the boys. Girls were very upset, seems there was some kind of loud interaction between them and H...took me 'till midnight to get D7 calmed down and to sleep. H wouldn't say anything, girls didn't say much, but it does take a lot, normally to get D7 that upset (though being up that late helps!)
Anyway...H asked me a couple of days ago if I was going in to work on Fri. I said I was this week, he said he had a meeting and concert to go to, wondered if he could get a ride back with me.
I said no, since I was finishing several hrs before he was, and really just wanted to get home. H asked me again today, I gave the same answer. Later, I realized that H was probably giving me a back-handed invitation to attend the concert with him, rather than just expecting me to wait for him (why couldn't he have come out and asked?).
I thought about calling and changing my answer, but 1. I AM exhausted, and really do just want to come home tomorrow, 2. Me staying means in-laws will have the kids 'till after 10pm on my 'day off', and 3. I'm not in the mood for just pretending everything is wonderful.
Anyway, this evening, I asked H if he wanted to sit and watch something with me (for those of you new to my sitch, watching TV here is a bit like sex for the rest of you - my H doesn't really want much to do with me, but does want to sit and watch TV with me every night. I'm definately the LD for TV watching, but I've been a dutiful wife ). H answered 'I don't see any reason to do that'.
I have to say the answer surprised me a little. This is something new. And as such, seems like I should be able to pounch on it and use it, but I'm really not sure how. Maybe it's just that H finally realizes that things are not wonderful, and he is not going to be able to keep me in the box he made for me, if so, again...hmmm, what do I do with this?
quote: ---------- Maybe it's just that H finally realizes that things are not wonderful, and he is not going to be able to keep me in the box he made for me, if so, again...hmmm, what do I do with this? ----------
It would be very good for him to realize that he can't control/contain/box you. What I suggest you do with it, is move the weight on the bar and shake things up a bit, but only if you are up for it.
It is good to see you posting here.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I'm not sure about 'shaking things up' though...I'd love to find a way to keep them calm.
This afternoon, I decided to go to the library, and asked who would like to come along. Of course the kids wanted to come, and I asked H if he would like to come along. He didn't answer.
A short while later, he gave me some money and asked me to buy a lottery ticket for him. I asked wasn't he coming, he mumbled, I pleasantly asked again, pointed out it would be nice for us all to go together, and a change of scenery for an hr or so for him. He did come.
We piled into the car, H complained that I didn't get all the snow off my feet. I grumbled a little, so he came around my side of the car, asked me to get out, shook out the mat. I tried to keep from laughing as I got back in the car.
The trip went ok...I was feeling good that I had insisted he came. We came home, he dropped my off in front of the house before driving the car into the car port. The kids came bounding in a few minutes later, all happy, D9 pulled the door closed behind her.
H yelled at her through the closed door to come outside - then yelled at her for 'slamming the door in his face'...came in and started loudly complaining to the kids about a bunch of other stuff (don't really remember what). I asked him to tone his voice down, he said 'I don't intervene when you're disciplining the kids!' I dropped it, tried to help get the kids calmed down.
I heard H upstairs saying to D9 'Have you noticed, I haven't yelled at you about your room lately, but that they were disgusting (which was true! ) so you should clean it so that I don't yell.'
It took a lot after all this for me to keep my cool and not engage... He tried to start another argument later with me about changing the bed.
It really feels right now like any time I try to be pleasant around H, he goes out of his way to be miserable. He has walked around the house all day with his head between his shoulders, making a big point of avoiding me, it would be comical, if this wasn't supposed to be my M.
I don't know where to start. I can continue being pleasant, and he gets upset. Perhaps, eventually, he'll come around, if I manage to HOM long enough.
This is wearing on the kids as well. I see S4b developing several 'nervous' habits...D7 has been miserable - throwing tantrums daily the past week or so. I'm on edge, and I know that H is miserable.
I can drop the anger and resentment (though I hate seeing the kids so upset!!!!!) but it doesn't help at all if he's still got a brick wall up.
I'm getting tired of banging my head against that wall.
What I suspect is that H feels he's loosing his grip, and is trying some way to keep me in the box.
). H answered 'I don't see any reason to do that'.