I'm very pleased with how you are holding it together, and a kiss from your W, that's great!
Just one word of advice, don't try to rush at things and don't get upset if she backtracks, which is quite common at this early stage. Confused people do confusing things, but you're doing really well and I'd take that kiss as a positive sign.
Keep DB'ing and looking smart and being nice and if there is any physical contact, let her instigate it, not you. Never make the first move, just follow your W's ques!
Well, most of you will have read my last installment which was on Mothers Day and it was ok but not as good as previous meetings.
I rang my friend and she put it in to perspective for me and said that it was our first trip out as a family and the first time I had them overnight since the custody battle and with it being Mothers Day, my expectations were higher than normal (true).
I was quite upset and told her it is difficult for me to feel emotion for my kids and she said 'Jo, that's normal, you lost them, you are bound to put barriers up to protect yourself' - it was a relief she said that and she thought it will get easier in time.
I think so too.
She thought the thing about the birthday party was bad, but to be honest she knows my H and that's just classic behaviour of his when it comes to the kids. If I succeed (WHEN I SUCCEED!!) I may just have to accept that he does things like that.
Today was her party. I could not have gone anyway as dd4 was sick and the poor mite has been throwing up all day, but I rang dd1 to ask her how her party went and she was opening presents even though her actual birthday isn't for another week.
H spoke to me, he sounded cheerful and happy and we discussed dd4's sickness. Everything was totally normal which was great after 3 days silence from me.
I shall be seeing him Saturday if dd4 is well again by then.
Good to hear TAGIII. I like the "Stone Soup" idea. Glad something is working for you. I can see Ioavva's suggestion to take it slow and be prepared for backtracking as excelent advice.
Ioavva & TAGIII, In my case shutting down and being very distant with my W did some good. I do not like it when I act that way, but when W sees me almost completly detach then she does something to keep the R going.
Ioavva, eventhough I said I need a break from all of my crappy stuff with my W and I don't have much time for the BB, I really get a mental boost from reading what you post.
I wish we were neighbors and you could sit me and my W down and hit us up beside the head with one of those 2X4's spoken about on the bb to see how we are affecting each other and what we are doing correct or wrong. Since that is not likely to happen, I will be reading your posts.
I just wish I could help you as much as you have helped others here on the BB. I can see how thankfull you are for finding yout life coach. Again, thanks for your post here, your insight, and here's wishing you that your good advice rains down on you and your family.
TAGIII wrote 3/6/05 ---------- Sometimes I fear I’m posting because if I post maybe I might learn one more thing to save this M. It’s becoming addictive. I read great inspiring stories that keep me going one more day but I feel like a loser. ------------
That is the way I felt a couple of days ago. Boy, there are somany posts on this BB where I think BTDT, get discouraged, some little thing changes , have hope again, take two steps foward, then two steps backwards, then wonder.
The more I read, the more I say to myself, there is nothing new, someone has experienced this stuff before.
Thanks for your kind message, and the other people who have left kind messages also.
I have had 2 years of practice at DB'ing, and my H has shown me a lot of the responses written on these BB's, both positive ones and negative, so I try to state what works with him when advising others, although all people are different, you can use the same basic guidelines.
You lot are helping me too as I am so close to my dream it sometimes gets a bit nerve wracking and it helps chatting on here.
If you ever need any advice, don't hesitate, although I'm no expert I can try.
I know, it's kinda on the brain at least 12 times a day, right? It was the same for me and I was celibate for a year.
BUT if you make any first moves on her at this early stage, you are a gonner. She will backtrack and say you did it, it wasn't fair to while she 'vulnerable' etc etc and you'll lose your mysteriousness. If you become sexually available at this point, she will get comfortable in knowing you are there and the bad behaviour will start again.
Make her miss you and your sex. Remember, people want what they can't have. The more you with-hold, the more she will want you.
If she kisses you, it's fine to kiss back because she made the move, but I would really advise you to hold back on anything more serious than kissing FOR NOW, until the R is on a more secure footing.
Think of it this way, when my H and I finally got together, it was totally amazing. It was like he'd never touched me before in my life and I was going through the whole 'losing my virginity' thing all over again (which incidently, was brilliant the first time round), and judging by my H's responses, I know it was amazing for him also.
All good things come to those who wait - and just think what you will have to look forward to once you've made her earn the right to sleep with you!
Jo, Oh for that feeling again? Sage counsel my lady. The toughest thing i've got to learn is this thiing called patience. I'm trying and last night and this morning was a pinnacle. Keep coaching me.
You have to be patient or you will totally mess up the DB'ing, and what would you rather have - one night of hasty sex followed by upset W and very upset YOU, and then an angry D, or do you want to ML with this woman every night for the rest of your life? Choice is yours.
By the time ML with H, he missed me so badly he just said it directly, no messing about 'I want your sex now.' I tell you, I nearly dropped the cup of coffee I was drinking in my lap. He didn't get it then, but I did kiss him. I made him wait another couple of weeks after that and then it just happened spontaneously and both of us were willing, so there was no backlash.
Plus, there are other advantages of waiting:
1. If it's her first move then you know she really wants you.
2. If you're on a more secure footing, your M is more likely to succeed than if you introduce sex now.
3. Lack of sex means when you do, it's completely off the map in terms of pleasure. Reunited partners are usually more sexually direct with each other. Eg, my H says 'do this to me' and 'do that to me' and 'I love it when you do that' etc, which he didn't so much in the M.
I am also extremely descriptive in what I want from him and you know what? It makes it tons more erotic.
Don't give in now or you'll slip back into old patterns! Follow your W's ques, you will know. She'll reach to kiss you more, brushing her hand on yours when she walks passed, lingering eye-contact etc.
Let her do the chase, if it gets that far atm.
If you want your W, you'll think of your long term goal.
Just wanted to introduce myself. I have been lurking on your post lately, but I find your level of optimism and hope very inspiring. I may be joining this forum when my D is final. Not sure when.
I have been on the newcomers forum since about October. Maybe you can offer some good advice when the time comes.
