You bet I'm suffering read below: Journaling 6Mar05, Spent most of the day yesterday exercising for 1.5 hours, then went to work preparing for a industry presentation, did a lot of posting here, and then went to a friends for a wonderful Indian curry by his wife and some TV. I gave him my guns for safekeeping. Sometimes I fear I’m posting because if I post maybe I might learn one more thing to save this M. It’s becoming addictive. I read great inspiring stories that keep me going one more day but I feel like a loser. Didn’t sleep much last night. Made myself bacon and eggs this morning. Went to church and heard the homily of Jesus healing the blind man, a man although blind, who could see with his heart. Reminds me of Geneva, Ioavva, and eyesopened. You women are blessed with the ability to see with your heart. I wish you could sprinkle some of that magic dust on my W. After church I worked out for an hour and here I am today back in the office. Those same friends having a barbeque today since its headed for the 60s and its SUNNY!!!! I have a pain in my soul. Now that the proposed settlement is under negotiation it just breaks my heart. Lawyers get to fight with our money all the time eating our D15’s college fund. Quite frankly I’m suffering from jealousy. I read about marriages saved when one person changes. I’ve tried everything 20 books, 3 counselors, one mission, one novena, and all of you here that share with me yet; no results. OK I’m a better listener, have control over my temper, and am less controlling, but, no reconciliation. All through this I’ve kept my Lenten resolutions of no alcohol and a rosary a day. Earlier I posted these goals:
1. Go to dinner with W – accomplished 2. Go to movie- accomplished 3. Laugh together – accomplished 4. Receive an unsolicited email- accomplished
Now I’m preparing for D. Who was that masked man? What happened?
Rather than see change, my W accuses it of being a “game” to change her mind and the blame cascades to the kids. My D15 tells her sister “Dad is only paying attention to me because he’s trying to change mom’s mind.” My D31 says, “As much as you don't like to hear it, Mom is going through with the divorce. As unfortunate as this may seem, I think that the sooner you accept this the sooner (believe it or not) your relationships with mom and D15 will heal. Again this is what I think, not that it is necessarily right.” Can anyone here explain that to me? I fly back home Wednesday. Taking Ioavva’s advice I’m looking sharp in my new suit. After that I’m lost. I’ll be pleasant. I won’t ask anyone to do anything because they think its all a game. I’ll see my D15 perform at ballet Saturday, build her a display case for her Nutcracker performance, golf with friends, garden, and run with my dog. I might even see a few PAC-10 games, alone of course. But what if they ask to do something? Do I gratefully decline or accept. See, I’m so lost; I’m like Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady. In his book “Beyond the Summit” Todd Skinner talks about “operating outside the boundaries.” I’ve done that all my life in business and endurance sports and you’d think I’d be prepared for this D but noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I appreciate you three Wonder Women; Geneva, Ioavva, and eyesopened. Please stay by my side however this turns out? http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB44&Number=863171&fpart=&PHPSESSID=
Hang in there Tag - keep on with the DB'ing, GAL etc or you will just 'prove' her point that it's a game. Keep going and eventually she will realise this is you reforming your character, maybe too late for her.
You can cope and you will cope. If this D goes through, don't hesitate to talk to me. Consider me your online agony aunt - you are not in this alone.
Everyone else on here is in the same boat and they'll help you too, won't you guys??
Keep your chin up and don't go into freak-out mode, they are your emotions and you can control them even if it's difficult - I know that myself as I had to work really hard tonight to control my emotions. Emotions wreck DB'ing so you must keep a check on them.
Jo, You truly are a doll. It's not a game. I don't play games. I've lost at sports, college, and even lost a job but this is one loss I'm really struggling with. In the movie "Million Dollar Baby" there's a sign on the wall that says "Winners are simply willing to do what losers won't." I've been doing all that I, counselors, and y'all can think to do and I'm turning up goose eggs. I'm struggling with giving it my all and losing the most important person in my life. Regarding GAL I'm exercising, reading, I'm already looking at homes and planning remodeling, just like you. I'm in limbo right now, by myself without my tools and without my dog. Forget the family. If I just had my dog and tools I could burry myself. I'd spend less time whinning here. You, eyesopened, and geneva have such open hearts and my W's is stone cold toward me. It kills me!
Quote: "Obstacles are what you see when you lose sight of your goal" Glen Heggstad
Well, my kids are watching 'Antz' and I need to de-stress so I'm sending my next installment.
H was late but rang me to let me know (180 for him) and said he wanted to go to the park as it was sunny today.
We went out to the park and myself, him and our 4 dd's had a walk around the woods and fields. He took some pictures of the girls together.
He talked about this programme he'd seen where they found bones of a dragon. I laughed and said there's no such thing as dragons. Then he and dd1 proceeded to tell me why they believe that they existed, like dinosaurs.
I said what scientific evidence have you got? He quoted the programme where they were supposed to have dug up the dragon skeleton. I asked why it wasn't on the News. He said he didn't know.
We talked about myths and folklore and how many of them we actually believe in (he is more open minded than me).
Every so often either him or me would have to say something to one of the girls about not playing in mud or going near steep ravines etc. Ocassionally H would interupt me or contradict me which I found difficult. I said nothing ad kept smiling.
He has a dominant role with the kids and it sometimes feels when I am with them that they are 'his' and I don't have much of a say in parenting. I don't know how much of this is my hurt over the court stuff, though.
The thing that really bugged me, though, was that we called our dd3 Lulu (a nickname for Lucia) but when I referred to her as Lulu in front of him, he said he has changed it to just Lu, as he says Lulu is babyish, and that he calls her Lucy as well.
Her full name on the birth certificate is Lucia. I felt really sad that he did that without saying - and I have never called her Lucy before. I used to have custody and was her primary carer, a stop-at-home mom while he went out to work and I breast fed her until she was a toddler. As you can imagine, this just compounded my sense of loss and anger at the situation.
I was DB'ing like crazy and controlling my 'jack-knife' emotions so I just carried on smiling and telling myself that this was our first ever trip to the park as a family since the split so it was bound to be challenging.
We found a hill with an amazing view of the town, so I climbed up this tree a little way and sat on a branch to look at the view.
Then I got stuck, so H helped me get on my feet again.
We went to this little shop and H bought me bread, eggs and chocolate cake. I asked if they were his, he said 'No, it's yours.' So that was really sweet of him. I thanked him.
We went back to my house and I got lunch for my dd's and then baked him some bread for his lunch because I figured it tastes better out of the oven than cold out of a packet. I said I'd run out of coffee and for some bizzare reason he said he'd got a jar of coffee in his car (strange man!?) so he sent dd1 out to get it.
Made coffees and drinks for the girls. He asked me whether I am sending dd4 to nursery. I said I didn't know so we had this discussion about that and whether or not I should home ed. He is trying to convince me, I am not sure yet.
He left (earlier than we originally planned so I didn't get to see that film with him), because he said he'd been a bit tired and stressed the last couple of days and wanted some 'me' time away from the kids. I was a bit disappointed but said okay. He said we'd do the video another time.
After he'd gone, dd1 told me she had a birthday party in 4 days time and I wasn't invited. Naturally, I was quite upset to hear this.
H came up on msn while they were watching 'Antz' and I asked him directly about the birthday party. He said I could come if I wanted, he just hadn't invited me because he lives in a different town, I don't have a car etc etc so he thought I wouldn't be able to come.
I said fair enough but it would have been nice to let me know and give me a choice. I told him I felt that he was more dominant with the kids than me and I was a bit unsure about our dd being called Lucy.
He said that as a man his parental role is that of dominant, kind of rule setting figure and me, according to him I am the nurturer, softer type because 'that is what women do' (his words). I felt better after he said this. He said that he just called dd3 Lucy because her sisters started calling her Lucy and it wasn't a slight on me, so that was okay.
I am going to continue to call her Lulu as I always have.
As a H, he's great, as a friend, yes, as a lover, brilliant, but I still struggle with his father role. I feel cheated out of my family but have to remember that I'm DB'ing for my family, so I was pleased how this conversation went and we ended on the pleasant note.
Ah hah! See my frustration? I'm not trying to control anyone but I can't shake the image. I'd never tell my W "as a man his parental role is that of dominant, kind of rule setting figure and me, according to him I am the nurturer, softer type because 'that is what women do.' not even when I was controlling. Yet she's still divorcing me! Wahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm gone until Tuesday. Ciao
That always was one of his faults, he was overly involved with the kids from the minute I was pregnant and even learnt 'controlled breathing' with me in the labor classes (he was obviously the only man there).
To start with I thought it was caring, after a while it just got annoying, although in the M most of the 'final' decisions around the kids, he let me decide.
Since the split, it is all him him him with them and I have zero say in anything (hence the custody battle and him having custody of 3 of our kids) and although I think he is trying to modify his behaviour, he still doesn't pull it off sometimes.
I just have to have patience with him. It is obvious he cares for all of us so I have to keep this in mind.
I know you are upset, you are now in pity mode. STOP THAT THIS INSTANT. I am going to get tough with you. She will notice this attitude and it won't do you any favours.
You are a lovely guy and she is nuts. Tell yourself that instead of thinking 'what have I done?' - that won't get you anywhere.
Meant in a firm but nice way, as drama never did anyone any good,
Tag after reading your posts, I can really feel your frustration. I KNOW what you are feeling, been there, still there. Its like you wanna shake your spouse and say LOOK LOOk I HAVE CHANGES, Can't you SEE??? WE can FIX this now! And yet even if they DO see, they either do not want to recognize the changes cause it interferes with their path to "happiness", or they are afraid to let their feeling be their guide for fear of getting hurt or scammed, or back into the same rut that made them do whatever they are doing. And no matter how or what they are doing we miss them. I thought I was just lonely, but now I am temporarily living with my sister and her H and their 5 dogs and my cat, and guess what- STILL lonely-for my husband! I have tried not to care, and I am making good strides towards getting a life, and he has been a total butthead, evasive, and sometimes manipulating, but I still wonder if he is alone tonight or with her. Is the new 2000 sq ft home he is planning to buy (way too much space for one guy) for him and OW and her two kids? You can't help but feel frustrated. But you can help your self by trying to counter balance it. Get another dog. Learn something new. Stop beating yourself up. I feel that if you've done something wrong in your R, and you have done the work to fix it, said you are sorry, meant it, and don't do it anymore, if they want to hold the grudge- THEY LOSE, not you. To hold a grudge only hurts them, and takes more energy than forgiving. As for lawyers, we did not use them for that reason, I /H didn't want someone buying an new car on our retirement fund money. Although I think my H got away pretty good, I did not take him for half of everything like I am entitled to in the state of FL. No alimony, not 1/2 of retirement, no pensions, just 10k over my share of the house, and most of the household goods. He makes double what I make, and has a bunch of divorced friends so i am quite sure he knows he got the best divorce a man could ever hope for. I know I will probably be sorry I did it this way, but It wasn't worth paying the lawyer, all the fighting, I was so wiped out by this past 2 years now, I could not menatlly take what dragging lawyers into this would have cost me in terms of my health.
Me again...thanks for letting me ask questions on your thread.
H has said some things like "I can't make you happy, if I'm not happy", "it's about personal growth" (him leaving), "it's not about rejection" (him leaving). Are these just excuses when an OW is involved?
Then at other times H says "I know you think I'm all lost or something but I know what I'm doing" or he assures me how happy he is (he's not happy). We have no kids so is there any chance he will come back after the D?
I just don't see him doing any work on himself and feel he is confused and in denial. He is the type to have to scrap everything (M) and start all over.
How can I remain open to friendship and pull happiness and mystery out of my a@@ while all the house selling and D proceedings are going on? I saw you mention that people want what they can't have. Do you have any suggestions on how to make myself what H can't have when he doesn't want me? Thanks again!
