Ioavva, I recommended olivebrance31 find you. She's in turmoil over her relationship with her H and her reactions are all over the place. Question; I talked with our former MC Thursday who suggested I send an email with my flight itinerary and ask "Do you want to pick me up or want me to catch a cab?" no response. I called to talk with D15 today. We have caller ID and they don't answer. In the last month we went from my question "do you think we'll ever hold one another again?" W: "Maybe" to "Will you forgive?" W: "Yes" and gives me a kiss and hug. We exchange friendly emails, friendly chats and then BOOM, the proposed settlement! What's she thinking?
You CAN do it, Johndad, that's the whole point. Anyone can do anything they want if they want it badly enough.
Be prepared for it to take ages, but you'll get there. The way I look at it is, what's 3 years fixing a M, when I promised him my life? When I succeed and move in with him (and I will, you always have to say that to yourself: I WILL SUCCEED!) then I will have another delightful 50 or 60 years of my life with him, which is well worth these past few years when things have been painful - that to me is not even a sacrifice, it is an honour.
And if you think of the things this situation has taught you, for instance you now know DB'ing, so you can go into your R's with people having much more chance of fulfilling R's - not just sexual ones, but platonic as well with friends.
So whenever you get really down, just think that.
Jo.
PS: thanks for your kind comments re my development. I was in such a state when he left, I wouldn't even eat. So if I can do it and rise up from that, so can you and Tag and everyone on here!!
Ioavva’s correct and fantastic! I’m nowhere near depressed as she was earlier and she’s been here to pick us up when we are down. Not only do I have my own demons to exorcise, I have the fear of the unknown, and the counsel of most who say “You’ve changed so much for the better. You’ll make another lucky women a happy wife!” I guess if it comes to that I can but I don’t want to lose the wife I have, or had.
I think you shouldn't have sent that email. You want to show her that you CAN live without her and act as if you're happy to do so.
If you tell her your flight times etc then there is no mysteriousess about your life. You have to get her wondering what you're up to and wondering why you DON'T need her (of course you do, but you mustn't let her know that).
There was no response because you've probably freaked her out; she's thinking 'omg, he's acting like I'm his W' and she's scared of that atm.
Rule number 1: let her come to you and ASK for your assistance or offer to help you. If she doesn't to start with, don't get discouraged, just keep plodding along.
If you are going to instigate contact, then at this early stage I would suggest just discussing something benign about your children.
Make her feel that you are independent of her and fine ad she will feel as if she's missing out on your life. Wait for her to call you etc. When she does, act nice and pleasant and sound interested in what she says, but be the first one to end the call.
For instance, my H is on my msn messenger and I usually wait for him to IM me. On the ocassions when I message him first, I will usually not reply to him straight away, then he types
'What are u upto?' - so I've got his attention.
It's reverse psychology - people always want what they can't have.
As for your questioning your W, don't do it. It's a death sentance because it's pressure from her point of view. If there comes a point where she feels comfortable enough to hold you, let it be her choice, not because you've mentioned it.
NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE SEXUALLY. Let her come to you. If she does it first she cannot blame you, she cannot say it was you pressuring her. It will then be her responsibility.
Even now, I don't make first moves on my H sexually, I let him come to me. Sometimes I help him along a bit by wearing nice clothes. You should do that, just look gorgeous and stylish and confident whenever she sees you and then the issue of whether or not you will have a physical R will not come up, because it will just happen naturally.
As for her saying she forgives you, I'm guessing she may have meant she doesn't bear any grudges. The D thing will hae come up because she panicked and backtracked. Questioning never helps in this situation. I remember dozens of times my H backtracked, usually because of too much pressure from me.
But don't worry, just chill out, look great, act like Mr Nice Guy whenever she sees you, and go out with friends etc so you start building a life, one that she wants to be part of. Don't get upset if she pushes the D through, she sounds confused and as I said, a D is not the R.
Your R can still survive if you play this right. My H is still my H and a tons better lover in spite of D.
See, one of the adjustments for me is to realize that I've screwed up by not really understanding DBing no different than many here. Maybe by recognizing it I'm on the first step of the cure? I was just going to show up but MC counseled otherwise. Everyone has varying opinions. Many like NOPS or geneva think I should be in California all the time. I figure by being here I put distance and show independence. I agree with you. As I shared on an earlier post. I'll wear my new suit and catch a cab. I'll build my D15 a display case for her recent ballet performance. I'll golf with my friends and go to D15's two performances Saturday. Otherwise I'll work in the yard. That will drive W crazy. "Why work on the yard if we're seling the house?" I'll go see a few PAC-10 tournament games. W will tell me "Identify what household items you want" and I'll say "when the time comes I will. This is not the time." Make sense? Tell me, what do you mean by atm?
Awww, poor Tag. I've done a year of no sex so I know how you feel.
You could go and get one of those lovers guide films and watch that for a bit of relief, and learn some new stuff so you can treat your W when you win her back!
You can even get a pop-up version of 'Kama Sutra' now!
I tell you, my sex life post-divorce is amazing now (was always good but is now even better than good) because all that time apart, and the fact that I learnt new things etc mean that my H loves it.
Because we separated, we are also extremely direct with each other which also makes it tons better.
Just hang in there, Tag, and think what you have to look forward to!
Well he seemed as if he was suffering a bit and I've already been at the phase he's at now so I figured I could use my experience to help.
All I had at the time was people telling me to 'move on' etc which is the most patronizing rubbish and not remotely constructive when you're in that situation.
Tag and other people on here had meaningful R's with their H/W's and I'm not about to minimize that by telling them to get over it. I wanted the people that read these BB's to know that there are active things you can do to help yourself and your R with your x partner.
I also thought by posting my story and my progress I could show that even the most hopeless case such as mine (my atty said it was the most vicious D she had known in her 25 yrs as an atty), there IS hope, and my R with my H is proof of that, even if I'm not out of the woods yet.
