The coach basically counselled me first on the principles of reuniting and then after that on G A L. He gave me moral support when the court stuff was happening. I don't have any contact with him anymore but he was helpful at the time.
The 2 year old is my H's - I was 6 months pregnant when he left. (she was planned, I had no idea the m was in trouble).
I went into extreme shock at the time because there was no rowing, there was no problem and then he just turned around one day and said 'we don't work, I'm leaving' when it was him who told me not to take the pill. I couldn't believe it and so had depression for a long while. I saw a dr once a month until Feb or March of 03 and then was pronounced well.
Then he said he wanted the baby after I gave birth so we went to court over that. I won because she's always been with me and there was no reason to remove her. He got to keep the others because of my record of depression after separation and the fact they'd been at his house so long anyway.
There was basically 2 years of hearings for that, including a court ordered psychological eval of both of us and I came out better in mine than he did. She said I was just utterly lonely from the breakdown of all of my central relationships and that I was not depressed. She said that both me and H were 'emotionally dependent' on each other, i.e, him as well.
Interviews were up to 7 hours long (very draining). Even the GAL interviews were 2 hours and I was never listened to.
I used to have my kids 2 days a fortnight, but every time I had them, he would use it as an excuse to yell at me, tell me what to do etc and tell them messages to pass onto me (not always nice). I thought he was trying to control me through them so that is why I quit.
When he came back round last June he seemed different in the way he behaves so I thought maybe it's okay. I sussed him out for a few months to see if this behaviour change was geniune and when I figured it was, I invited the kids round for Christmas. That is how the contact was re-established.
I actually don't regret my decision as I needed space after all of that, although I do regret how it must have made them feel.
As for the rest, I just don't have a feel at this time. But I do know this, if you are emtionally dependent on each other, it is a recipe for disaster. And WTF, a 7 hour interview...someone has a screw loose and I don't mean you.
Keep posting. And remember the key is to be the best you can be regardless of anything else. Your goals are for you. You can't set goals for someone else.
Well, the court ordered eval (to establish whether he or I had depression) was massively intense. It was 7 hours one day, 3 hours next day, half an hour day after, plus looking at home videos of us together etc. They basically wanted to know my whole life from when I was born so it took ages to tell them everything. I only got one cup of coffee all the way through, no lunch break. Everything you do is on stand, like I bought a new computer and that got mentioned too. Her report came out in Nov 03, and I had a year totally without him between June 03 and June 04 and I managed okay, I was lonely but I did other stuff. I even dated a bit but didn't like that much. I'd just got to the point where I thought, right, it's over and I took my business back etc but then he contacted me again, and I don't know, he just seems different this time, even with regard to the kids. Before he was like 'go away and just have a baby with someone else' and then, I don't know, he changed his mind and wanted me to be involved and he seems to have changed his mind about me also, so I am just trying to hang in there and see what happens.
One thing I will say is that dating, in my mind, is not the solutions to anything. If anything being able not to date is a positive qwuality. I have been divorced for almost 4 years, have dated, but find myself taking long periods of time off and am actually happier in those times.
Make sure (as best as you can) that the difference is real. Taking things as they come seems to be the way to go.
Yes it was like abuse all the way through. The GAL was even worse and on the 2nd interview I asked my friend to be present as a witness and the GAL was questioning me about why I went to the seaside for a weekend without telling H, and my friend started crying and saying 'will you STOP bullying her' - I had to comfort my friend rather than the other way round.
Every bad point of the M was dissected and put in front of me, all medical records were public knowledge, even my diary was court property. Our M stood no chance at the time. GAL told both of us if we got back together it would never work etc etc.
I had roughly 6 court hearings between Oct 02 and April 04, 5 GAL interviews, 3 Psychological evaluation interviews, and at least 50 attourney letters and meetings. Even our sex life was up for discussion - the judge got to read about times we had slept together after we split up.
I couldn't wait to be out of the whole situation. Now I feel happier and he's acting like he cares and like he's sorry, but as you said, I am so wary in case it's an act.
I dated mainly to see if I was still sexually attractive to men and then when I did date, I realised I was, so I quit. I got bored after 2 hours of their company and didn't think any of them were particularly interesting. I prefer celibacy in this situation as I think that sex should really be for committed relationships - so sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but when he starts mentioning hand-fastings I think, well, that's a good sign.
Ioavva, just read your story. Only one suggestion as work is begging to get done. I work from home repairing copiers, fax machines and laser printers.
Take / invite H out to coffee, Subway, fish & chips or what ever. Make a deal with him you will only take him out if he does the same for you, that you want to re-establish your relationship slowely and properly so the old problems do not overwhelm the relationship again. I imagine you both might be a little gun shy ( worried old behaviors will come back to hurt the relationship).
About feeling used, the sex coupled with other together time might be what H needs to feel closer to you. Could you incorperate some other good things you two did in the past so it is not only sex?
Reconnecting with the children seems to be the brightest thing in your posts. Because I feel my comments might not be exactly what you might need to do I will only say let your H see how good a mom / mum you can be to your and his children too.
Guys like sexy women but real family oriented men like good mum's better.
Great job about turning your life around. I had to look up hand-fasting ceremony. Never heard that term in the U.S. before.
Re the sex thing. I am in a catch 22 with it because as I've told you, I am HD so I think 'yes, I want you right now' etc but then if he does and then leaves straight away, I feel bad.
I have said no sex for now etc and then after a few days I'm in tears because I want to sleep with him so I never know what to do.
He does do work stuff with me (he used to work with me) and we chat about the kids. I get him books and things for the kids because he home ed's them.
I did used to have all the kids regularly but it got really nasty and he was telling them horrible messages to pass on and telling me that I can't do this with them, can't do that, very controlling. DD2 got badly affected by it and was crying and agressive, so after 2 years of that I thought I'd have a breakdown if I didn't back away.
I suppose I 'went dark' with them as well, which is awful, but at least I managed to pull myself up mentally. I think I'd still be depressed if I hadn't taken a break.
Am seeing them now, but still too tentative to ask for full involvement. I have asked to go along to one of their home ed meetings and he said 'okay' to that, so that's great.
Hand-fasting is a pagan wedding, it used to be legal marriage until 1939 when the church outlawed it. It's where they tie your hands together to symbolise marital union. Some Catholic churches still hand-fast because the priest sometimes ties the cord from his robes round the couple's hands during the wedding. I read that the M is not 'consumated' until the couple have ML and you can't take the ties off until afterwards so I said to my H 'I have only one question, how can we ML with our hands tied together?' He just laughed and said they only bind one hand, not both and 'we can do it with the other hand (!)'
Sorry if that's too racy, but I just thought it was so funny!
Hi Jo, Stay with one thread, would you? Otherwise, folks lose you or some detail.
Five mo is a long time to be dating in "secret." It seems like an odd request, and you are right to be balking at being some sort of "mistress." Maybe just let him know that you're not going to place an advertisement to announce it, but you also refuse to hide your wonderful R anymore.
I'd avoid artificial deadlines - it adds unnecessary pressure and it will violate your integrity now if it is reached and you go against it.
Overall, nice changes though. Keep the Rs with the kids as a very high priority, as separate from your and H's R outcome as possible.They deserve you and you them no matter what. Dont let nasty messages keep you away from them. Kids are smarter than that, and figure the truth out very quickly. Focus solely on them when with them, not on H (unless he's around as well).
Sorry - I wasn't sure if people were supposed to start new threads for new subjects or not. I am on a parenting site as well and you have to start new threads or the moderators get annoyed
I suppose I could just broach the subject when he visits on Saturday and say, look it doesn't have to be an actual deadline, but I want to be open about it soon as actually I find it quite a strain (my 2 best female friends know).
The kids don't know and his friends don't know so if I go round there I have to act as if we are 'divorced' (well, we are but he's still my partner).
He's always been terribly concerned what other people think - especially now the big D is through - and he's terrified of his mother (she IS really scary) so I can only imagine the atomic fall-out when they realise we are dating. I am guessing that may be why it is a 'secret', also that it keeps him from having to make a proper decision so he can 'have' me but not have me, iykwim.
I want this issue out the way so I can carry on DB'ing. I will just try to be gentle and hope no damage was done.
I know what you say is right about the kids, I should just try to focus on now instead of remembering what happened and that is quite difficult. I am hoping things have settled down on that front and we should at least be able to raise our kids.
His over-valuing others opinions, especially his mother's, is a common theme on this BB. My W did the very same, and only lately is starting to break from that by 'rebeling' a bit from folks' opinions (My MIL is very scary as well). Unfortunately, I was the safest, and therefore, first target for this exercise. Did you go through this as well?
Keep up the Get A Life (GAL) work, focusing on improving yourself. I like to use an image of my renewal of vows with my W (or 2nd M if D gets filed and is finalized) as motivation for this self-improvement work, though I hope to work hard enough for it to become a lifelong habit.
so I never know what to do.