Just wanted to post my 'minor' success story of relationship with my ex after divorce. I married Andy (the love of my life) at 18 years old and we were together 8 years. Then he left but never quite properly - still maintained sexual relationship and to some extent friendship. He said he'd come back numerous ocassions and then backtracked. I hit the floor and got depression pretty badly. I was having a baby in the middle of all this (his baby). He took our older kids (without my permission) and started up a custody battle. Then I found a counsellor similar to this divorce busting stuff and he basically saved my life. Taught me '180' and other things like that. Ex was interested straight away and we got into this relationship which lasted several months, then he backtracked again and I hit the floor even worse. Went to court over the kids - I lost because of the depression (but kept the baby). As you can imagine, this didn't do a thing for the marriage. I then decided to do a complete 180 and I walked out of his life completely - including the children's - some might say this is bad but I had to as our lives were in total tatters, court action, my family disowned me etc. So I said 'fine, I'm going' and I did. He got another woman straight away (I knew for concilation purposes) and I did my best to ignore her also. It was AWFUL having this woman come to my house to pick up the baby, knowing she was with MY husband. I tell you, I was in bed, sobbing for 2 days when I found out (another thing, I lost my virginity to my husband and he did to me so this was really major). Carried on ignoring him, then 2 months after the final court hearing, he turns up on my doorstep, saying 'I miss you, I miss your friendship, I miss your sex' etc. He hugged me and cried (he doesn't cry hardly at all). Then at Christmas last year he turned up again and said 'Happy wedding anniversary' (it was 9 years married, 11 years in relationship) - this was just before the decree absolute came through. He'd come round for 'chats' 2 hours at a time (he instigated it). I have started seeing my other kids again and I am now sleeping with ex. He says he is thinking of getting back together but he isn't sure. We were divorced on 21st December 04. He was talking about hand-fasting ceremonies and getting a vasectomy so we don't have anymore kids. He texts me all the time and goes on msn, but when I suggest something he gets scared. This marriage is definitely not over even if the paper says so. I need moral support from people to get me through these next few months of uncertainity.
Jo
In relationship since February 94 Married 16 December 95 Divorced 21 December 04 Still seeing each other. Mother of 4 girls.
Sorry to see you here, but glad you're working on your sitch. We share the same year of marriage and nearly the same length in our R's.
Have you read DR? If not, do so to more quickly catch on to the techniques. Try to commit one way or another regarding your R, then go at it systematically. Figure at least 9 mo of hard work. Yours is a bit unique, and things may have marinated a bit with H, but viewing it via a longterm lens may be best.
Tell us a bit more:
What goals do you have for your R? How are you doing? Any GAL work that you're involved in? Also how are the kids with this backnforth?
By the way, I'm starting to believe that ML is an awesome DB tool that female LBS can use wisely to draw the WAH back.
I am sorry you are on here also. My aims for the relationship are to get re-married and live happily ever after, lol. But right now just getting him to admit he loves me and getting him to at least commit to the R would be great. We have been having this on-off situation for a couple of years now (he moved out the house in April 02). He just goes back and forth all the time. He asked for a divorce so I started the paperwork and then he flipped and said I 'stabbed him in the back' (after he asked me to do it). So I stopped the papers and he said 'let's wait and see'. The GAL got involved and she's what killed it. She asked him questions about why he left me, and then repeat stuff he had said to her, to me. I'd then get upset. Every time I saw her, I had to endure two hours of verbal abuse. She never believed anything I said and told me it was 'just sex' (as if you can have 'just sex' with your husband! He's only the most wonderful person in my life). He told me if it wasn't for her, he would have moved back in with me then, but she kept pointing out all the negatives. That's why he insisted on the big D. Luckily now I walked out of court (decided my R was more important to me than fighting a custody battle for children which will always be mine anyway, no matter where they live) and since then she has been gone and it only took him 2 months to come to me after that. The woman he was with rang me up and said 'He is still in love with you, even if he thinks he isn't' and she ended their R. She is on a housing list to move back to her home town - so technically still in his house - but she now has a 24 yr old boyfriend who also stops there sometimes and my kids live there too and my ex doesn't mind because he's dating me - it's very complicated and the kids are probably confused by the bf being there but I haven't said anything because it's a hot potato I don't want to touch. I am thinking of the end result - getting my ex and my kids back with me so I try not to get bugged along the way. My eldest dd is fine (always a daddy's girl and I wouldn't have it any other way), my 5 yr old suffered a bit because she was with me, then he took her - but it seems to be mainly her toys she's bothered about. She thinks her little sister stole them and gets upset when she visits here and has to share her 'old' things with her. It's my 7 yr old I'm worried about. Like me, she had had this vision of us getting back together and she keeps talking about weddings etc. She said the court should force us to get back together and when that didn't happen, she was crying and saying we HAD to get back together because she ORDERED us to. I felt so guilty I cried myself. They knew we were dating previously which made it harder for them to cope with when he backtracked, but this time we are hiding it from them to protect them. When they are here too he just acts friendly but formal and when he started visiting last Christmas he told them it was because it was Christmas. He goes out of an evening, like 3 times a week so he'll come round at 10pm when they are asleep and chat to me for hours - then leave in the middle of the night. Or he'll turn up at 1am, make love with me then fuss round me like I am the center of his universe and then he'll leave. We sneek a secret kiss when the kids aren't looking and then pull away. I laughed at him the other day, saying that it's normally kids who hide their love affair from the parents, but with us we are the parents, hiding it from the kids. He laughed back. It was the same with the OW. Most men cheat on their W's to be with their girlfriend's and he cheated on his girlfriend to be with his W! - which is why she ended the R. He also doesn't say he loves me (although he acts like he does). He says I'm gorgeous, clever, funny etc but never actually the big Love word. All I want is for him to admit it and marry me! but the most I have got is 'we could have a hand-fasting ceremony' and 'maybe we could get back together, maybe' and 'we could have an R in 2 different houses'. This is difficult for me to cope with which is why I want to make some new friends on here, who know what it is like to be divorced from the love of their lives. I have not read DR - I'm in UK here. My life-coach did a divorce-busting technique with me and told me about this site. Can I get that off Amazon?
i am also sry you are here, but it looks like all is not lost for you by far.
it sounds like he still has some great feelings for you, and it also sounds like you have gotten yourself together nicely.
i know your goal is to have him say ILY and to get remarried, and live happily ever after, lol. it is my goal toooooo. but do u have any smaller goals to help you get there?
for example, goal 1. have him take you out on a date. then set a date you would like to see it done by, maybe by 3-20-05.
you get the idea. these small goals and baby steps really add up. and it is so much easier focusing on tiny things then the big prize.
there is a wealth of information on this site. post often, it really helps.
Your situation sounds promising. I am glad to see that his other relationship is over. That is a huge plus. Now having said that, the best thing I can offer is that you need to continue what you are doing. And remember he was dumped so a man will look to his last woman in that situation. Make sure he is sincere. Make sure he understands the ramifications of his action. Make sure you really communicate. And this is big. Fix what you have to fix in the relationship before you jump headlong back into it.
Well, my small goals are to have him visit more often (he does about twice a week) and have him visit when it isn't his contact time with our dd. Atm he has only visited outside those times if it is night and he's visiting as a lover. I mean, he does talk to me for hours as well and he's done helpful stuff like fix my computer and lift something heavy I couldn't lift and he does text me etc but I have got upset twice now - mainly because the sex opens me up in an emotional way and then I kind of expect him to move faster with the R than he does and when I don't get the response I want I think maybe he's using me for sex. All we've done outside of my home so far is go and pick up some photographs, go to the supermarket for a cooked breakfast (I paid) and go and get chips from the local fish and chip shop - fries, sorry, keep forgetting this is American! So we haven't really had any 'dates' as such since he started visiting the middle of December. So I think that really I want him to take me out somewhere, even if it's just once a month, because then the issue with the sex wouldn't bother me. I did ask him if he wouldn't mind NOT sleeping with me until after he has made a decision and he was fine about it, said yes ok, whatever you think (which is different for him, in the M he would have been offended if I refused sex) and he was still being friendly towards me, but we ended up in bed anyway after only having managed 1 'platonic' visit. I feel in a catch 22 situation because I want to draw him closer and I think sex does make us close but then I think if he's having that, he doesn't have much incentive for an R. Also, it's really good sex (tons better than in the M) and I whenever I have contemplated giving it up, I make myself cry (lol - daft idiot). We were always a high-drive couple (like about 4 times a week in the M) and it's about once a week now. I have no idea whether I'm playing this situation right or not with the sex. I did apologise for the times I got upset (that was 180 for me as I ever admitted when I was wrong in the M) and I try my hardest not to contact him when he isn't here. Usually after 4 or 5 days of 'going dark' he will contact me. Atm I am 'going dark' waiting for the next time he contacts me. I find it tough because I'm so in love with this man and never knowing what is going to happen makes me feel insecure. I think it's because we've been apart a long time and he has told me he wants to get back together so many times before, I am wary. It's like exhiliaration and wariness at the same time.
There are a few rhings I see. So I'll address them one at a time.
Quote: my small goals are to have him visit more often (he does about twice a week) and have him visit when it isn't his contact time with our dd
I have heard things like this a million times arouns here. You can't set goals for someone else's behavior. You can set a goal to ask.
Code:
kind of expect him to move faster
If there is one thing I have learned, it is not to expect. Expectations can drive someone nuts.
Quote: fish and chip shop
um...we understand!
Quote: I feel in a catch 22 situation because I want to draw him closer and I think sex does make us close but then I think if he's having that, he doesn't have much incentive for an R.
I agree. Maybe you do have to have a "date" away from the home.
Quote: Usually after 4 or 5 days of 'going dark' he will contact me.
I had an uneasy feeling when I read this. You should hear from him almost every day if you have 4 girls. This is a red flag.
Quote: I find it tough because I'm so in love with this man and never knowing what is going to happen makes me feel insecure. I think it's because we've been apart a long time and he has told me he wants to get back together so many times before, I am wary.
A question. Are you so in love with this man ot is it something else. I have heard this a million times too and understand the feeling, but you were treated like a dog.
Ok, now here is where the time to get a handle on one's life comes in. Everything you have said is based upon your relationship with the man. Yes, I undersatnd this is the general idea of the board, but there is more. I get no sense of your self without this man. That is where the goal setting comes in.
Well, I don't think he was ever in love with OW - he moved her in after they only met once (she told me) mainly I think for the court so he could pretend to be a 2 parent family. It worked and I was so furious I didn't speak to him for a year. His OW told me that they only slept together like once every month and she felt as if she was forcing him. He used to pretend to be asleep (she was crying on the phone when she told me this). She said he only did it because he wanted to prove he could have sex with someone else (I was his only sexual partner in his life prior to this) and she was on the re-bound from a D, and homeless so she had housing issues also and my H solved the problem for her. I know there was never any attraction as she is 46 and my H was only 29 at the time. He has come to me before when he was still with her and I told her as I don't like dishonesty. I do feel concerned at the way my H manipulated the situation for the court and how he says he's fine for her and her bf to be hanging around his house waiting on the housing list because basically she is a free babysitter. This infuriates me as I am the mother and he took them off me in a lengthy court process only to use this woman as a nanny. However, I have said nothing as I still love him deeply and I feel if I focus on the hurts I will never get anywhere. So I am trying to focus on the nice stuff he does (which he is very caring) and remember all the reasons why we married etc. I have done a lot of G A L work. The first year after the split I was extremely depressed. I have come off the anti-depressants, I have stopped seeing the dr, I have been cleared of having any depression. I got rid of my mother out of my life (long story but very helpful), I had a baby whom I have now raised into a bubbly 2 year old (did that all on my own, even the birth so I'm quite proud). I've re-decorated my house all over, put a new kitchen in, started a new course and gone on holiday abroad on my own twice, I've had life-coaching (like this divorce busting stuff) for 2 years which is great. In fact, my life-coach is the reason why my H and I still have any relationship. Some of my health problems have cleared up. The only thing I will say is, I need to get out of the house more. I work from home so I don't get out much and it gets isolating in these circumstances.
If I ASK him out surely that defeats the purpose of trying to act cool?
The situation with the kids has always been extremely difficult. We have court orders and he generally doesn't discuss them outside of the court ordered times. Also, as I walked out of court what I essentially did was walk out on them too. I couldn't take anymore as it had been 2 years of hearings, barristers, witness boxes etc - 2 whole years and I thought damn it, this is killing me, I am going, so I did. I didn't see any of them for months. Actually, he tried to persuade me to see them but I said no. I told him I didn't want to see anyone in my family at all and that I just wanted to breathe. Between April 04 and Christmas 04, I did not see my children at all apart from to send cards. It has only been since Christmas I have seen them and it's very tentative. All the damage that was done, well, I think my relationship with them is as critical as with my H. I am speaking to them on msn quite frequently now as well so it has improved slightly. It doesn't surprise me that he doesn't tell me about them as when he has tried in the past, I just start crying as I remember the court stuff which was so traumatic. So in the end, I think he just gave up trying to tell me. I have invited them for a takeaway next week so that's a good sign as I've never done that with them before since they were 4 and 5 (two eldest are now 7 and 9). I hope I don't get judged for this post but it really was the most horrific mess. I am writing a book about it, partly to heal and also because I think it's an interesting story. I am aware he treated me like a dog, but I know I still love him. His interests are the same as mine, he says the same thing at the same time as me. He can still make me laugh. We can still chat for 2 hours about nothing after all this, so in my opinion it must be worth something, and I kind of feel that I would get my kids back living with me too if he was. I am fighting for my whole family, here, aside from the littley who is with me.
Should I be more upfront with him then? It's just assertive normally scares him.
The first thing you need to do is reestablish the relationship with your children. If I were they, I would feel that my mother abandoned me. So that is job one. They are more important than your H.
All the stuff with OW matters not.
What's with the 2 year old baby?
What is going on with the coach?
Actually, the more I read your stuff, the less I know. And the more I read, the more I see that you are head is not screwed on properly.
I need more.
IMP
PS - use spacing between paragraphs, it makes it easier to read.
