Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy What happens now?

Thanks, Sherry!

Hey! So is that why S9's teacher is always in a hurry on report card day?

Ok, this is probably a dumb question. I know I'm not supposed to say "ILY", but if H says he needs to hear it from me, is it ok to say it since he's telling me what he wants and needs?

It is okay to say ILY!!!

The reason not to say it is when THEY aren't saying it, us saying it makes them feel pressured because they aren't sure how to answer. (I used to cheat sometimes and sneak in an "ILY,Bye" at the very end of a phone convo just before hanging up )

Ellie

JVJKB,

There are some threads around here somewhere about 'coming out of the dark'. The most important thing to to truly listen to your H. You can easily test the waters and say ILY, and see how much is too much or too little. BTW, that's a great step foward.

That is so good to hear. Thank you, Ellie and Ohio! The reason I was asking is because H had left several messages throughout the day ending with "ILY"s (I was in and out all day), and in his last one, H said, "Please call me back when you get in. ILY.....I know you haven't been saying it much lately, but I need to hear it from you." Well, I did call him back an hour ago, and I did say "ILY" after he said it again.

Ok, back to the unexplained calls made by H to OW that I discovered 2 days ago. Does anyone have any tips, advice, suggestions, etc (other than staying calm) on how to approach H with this? I have been thinking, and thinking, and thinking about what to say, how to explain why I felt the need to check his cell phone records again. Basically, how can I start this off the right way? H has always had a bit of a short fuse, so I really want to have this thought through before H gets home which will be in 6 days (or even less since some deals fell through).

Thanks for listening and your help.

You know, I would just drop the subject of the phone calls for now.

Even H's who are definitely reconciling often go through a period of having trouble letting go of contact with the OW. In my H's case, he was home, writing me incredibly loving letters, telling me how sorry he was - yet still took a couple of months to send a letter to OW telling her not to contact him anymore. It's almost like it's their security blanket - just in case things don't work out with us - or some of it is they just can't face telling the OW the truth. After all, he's just spent all this time telling oW his marriage is over and how much he cares for her - now he has to tell her it was a lie, he loves his wife??? It's just hard to do.

I'm not saying to accept ongoing contact - he DOES need to stop communicating with OW - but just recognize that it does take some time. Focus on YOUR R right now - you can call him on the contact issue if it hasn't stopped in a couple more months.

Ellie

My take is that when you stop the ILYs, he goes back to pursuing you again. He needs to hear it for reassurance that you're there for him. But he's cakewalking by still being in contact with the OW. It may very well just end soon if he's trying to end it. Or not. You need to keep your eyes and ears open.

The reason they say not to say ILY, is because by doing so you've made the WAS think again of why they don't love you, and that's not the thought you want a WAS to be reflecting on. It's also pursuing behavior. That doesn't sound like it's material to your situation at this point. He's the one initiating the ILYs.

About the phone calls... has your H told you he has stopped contact with the OP some time ago? If he hasn't said so, why not ask? If he asks why you ask, you needn't tell him that you've been snooping. You could tell him that you do not want to have maintained a wall of secrecy and wish to know details as you feel the need to.

I have seriously considered dropping the calls issue, but what's very troubling to me is when I asked him on Feb. 7th (could've been the 8th) when was the last time he had talked to OW. H said it was the past Thursday or Friday which would have been the 3rd or 4th, H said there would be no more contact, and he said that was the truth. H claims he was only calling OW back to tell her to stop calling him. BUT, as I found out, he called OW on the 6th before 1am while we were in Reno. I want to know the purpose of that call! He had NO incoming calls at all that day, so the "she called me first" excuse is out the window. H did call OW before on the 3rd as he said he did, but this call is questionable, too. It was actually a series of 3 calls, one right after the other. It was as if his signal kept dying so he kept calling back, or possibly OW could have been upset with H and kept hanging up on him for which reason he continued calling her back. Who knows? Then of course there's the 2 incoming calls which were after 2am and while he was in Seattle and Portland just 2 weeks ago. I know it wasn't me calling him!

H was going through many uncertainties while he was in Seattle/Portland about us and our R, but decided he didn't want to call it quits by the time he got home. During our convo about trying for a couple months and evaluating things after the first month, I reminded H that any and all contact with OW had to stop - no excuses! H agreed and said it had stopped when he said it did (on the 3rd or 4th).

Like I said at the beginning of this post, I have considered just dropping it..........but can you understand why I'm really having trouble with that? He lied. The deception is still there. How am I supposed to rebuild our M and the trust that goes along with it when there's still this wall of secrecy obstructing my view? And if I do ask H if any contact has been made by OW or himself without bringing up my evidence, and he were to say "no, not at all", then what? How do I handle that? I know I won't lash out and accuse him of lying (although he would be lying). That got me nowhere last time.

Thanks for listening.

J, the problem is that in answering your questions about the nature of the calls, he may lie to you if he's covering up the continuation of the A, or he may lie to you if he's having a problem ending the A on account of his inability to do so at this time, and so on. Like you say, "who knows?". It could be anything.

During our convo about trying for a couple months and evaluating things after the first month

That's a rather short time limit. Don't put time limits on these matters. They are not on anyone's time schedule.

but can you understand why I'm really having trouble with that? He lied.

Sure, anybody would be upset over that situation. I wouldn't call his breaking a promise to not call the OW a "lie". We don't know why he's contacting the OW after he promised not to.

How am I supposed to rebuild our M and the trust that goes along with it when there's still this wall of secrecy obstructing my view?

Darling, not all marriages get salvaged. You must always consider that it may not work out.

And if I do ask H if any contact has been made by OW or himself without bringing up my evidence, and he were to say "no, not at all", then what? How do I handle that? I know I won't lash out and accuse him of lying (although he would be lying).

It sure looks like you're not going to solve this thing by asking questions. Instead, you have to take a giant step back and again be the person you became and do the things you were doing that worked to have him turn around. I'm guessing that things moved a little too quick and he either lapsed back into the A due to the reassurance he had from you that he wasn't losing you, or he's not sure where he wants to lay his head, or the OW owes him money and he's been trying to collect... who knows, right?

No more ILY's back to him. You know what to do. And this time, pull away further.