Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy What happens now?

I'm trying to be strong, but it's getting so very hard right now, you know?... I'm actually crying right now. I haven't cried in at least 6 days. Every time he says "ILY" or "IMY", it's killing me inside. Here I am, trying to fight the urge to say it back, and he just keeps tugging at my heart.

I know, I know. Your heart aches to touch his face and look into his eyes and tell him everything's OK. That time will come, just not yet, you just don't want to jeopardize anything right now. I honestly don't know if what I'm telling you is proper... I'm basing it on what I read... and reminding you of what worked for others in your sitch. You can do it! The idea is you don't want to start a pursuit like action because he could distance again. Just hold off a little while longer, love. Monday morning will be here soon.

I just don't get it. He wants to stay, he wants to go, he wants to stay, and now he's not sure. I'm not sure if he is still talking to OW or not. I wonder if they are, is she telling him he deserves to be happy, and saying it in a way to benefit herself? H has always been pretty decisive. Once he made up his mind, that was it. But in this case, it seems almost like a tug-of-war. He pulls for me, he pulls for her, and so on, and so on.

Let those thoughts go. They don't matter right now.

how should I act when he gets home? After all the "ILY's" and "IMY's", what if he wants an intimate embrace/ kiss when he walks in the door? I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I don't know sweetheart, I just got here myself. All I know is the books say DON'T BE ENTHUSIASTIC. What does that mean? A "warm" embrace? A "warm" kiss? I have no idea.... but judge from the results. You can't go wrong if you err on the side of mercy, I think. Start reserved, tweak it from there if the results don't jive. Maybe let him set the pace, and match his intensity. Don't rush things. It can't be you give him a "warm" hug and he sulks, and so you say to yourself, "Oh! Bad result!" and grab him and suck his face off in a passionate kiss, right? GO S-L-O-W. Remember, he has to be in the cage all comfy cozy BEFORE you close the door.

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After all the "ILY's" and "IMY's", what if he wants an intimate embrace/kiss when he walks in the door?

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Geez, jump on him!!!!

Ellie

Believe me, Ellie, I do want to jump on him!

OK, when he gets home, I will pleasantly greet him with a smile and a hello. The kids will probably get to him before I do (depending on what time he gets here), so after they get their love and hugs from him, I'm guessing (and hoping) he will make his way over to me. This is how it usually happened in the past. If he doesn't, ok - no big deal. If he does, I'll keep my cool and just go along with whatever he initiates matching his intensity. I don't think I can go wrong with this.

H called this morning. I only answered because I was expecting a call from my MIL about picking up S5. He said he wanted to call me last night, but his boss had just got into town (they are in Portland now), and he couldn't shake him to make a personal call. He didn't want to call too late and wake the kids or me. H said he had a miserable night, couldn't sleep, and could only think about me. I, on the other hand, had a good sleep for once despite the fact that I was crying earlier.

Sorry. Just rambling on. Thanks for listening.

Hello, everyone. Here's an update:

I haven't talked to H since yesterday morning when he called. I know I'm not supposed to have R talks, but H was really pushing it. H was telling me, again, that I deserve to be with someone who will love me. Does this mean he doesn't anymore and is leaning towards not staying together?

H went on to say that he misses what we had, and since I've been acting like a different person (being brief with him, acting like nothing's wrong, etc.), he feels like I'm moving on without him. Well, here's where I backslid. I got a little emotional and told him that I miss what we had together, too. I recalled the last time I felt he truly loved me was when I was 7 - 8 months pregnant with our last child. He'd be gone for 2 weeks at a time and as soon as he walked through the door, I was right there to greet him. He was all I wanted to see, he was all I wanted to touch, and he was all I wanted in my life right at that very moment. When we would hug and kiss, I knew he felt the same. I told him I miss that love. He asked me to stop before he would start to cry, so I did my best to pull myself back together. We talked for a few more minutes. Then H had to get back to work, and he hasn't called me since.

I'm feeling very unsure and almost nervous right now. H will be here in less than 24 hours, and I don't know what's going to happen.

Thanks for listening.

What Sage is describing, I believe, is that one needs to be loving, validating - but stay indifferent. In other words, don't think of the person as your spouse, think of them as a close friend. "Pursuit" could be defined by anything that puts pressure on the WAS. Your post suggests that your spouse was feeling guilty over your sadness, and that's pressure.

We all backslide, and I don't want to seem like a harda$$, but even though we forgive ourselves for backsliding, we oughtta at the same time whack ourselves good and hard with a 2x4 for fear of getting into a habit of backslide/forgive, backslide/forgive, instead of backslide/not much backsliding anymore. Otherwise we're shooting ourselves in the foot by possibly cultivating a mind set that defeats our purpose.

When your spouse mouths statements such as "you deserve to be with someone who will love you", that's a variation of the "ILYBINILWY", and that's only how they feel right now. But feelings can and do change, and rest assured every reconciled couple at one point had a partner that adamantly believed it was over for good. And that's why we're told NOT to believe what they say when they say these things. The WAS has not any better a picture of the future than you do.

He should feel like you're moving on. That's what you want him to feel! That's what may compel him to reassess whether he really wants to lose you. For a while, the WAS walks around with the knowledge that their former partner will take them back, they have that security net. When you take that away and make it very real that they can and will lose you, then deep inside, their feelings start to be touched about that possibility. So, his feeling that way was a sign that what you were doing was working. No need to backslide, you're on track.

Thanks for your input, Sage and NY.

I think because I've been trying so hard to avoid R talks with H, yes, I may have been trying to detach too much and have shown little warmth. Need to work on that.

H called a little while ago. He has to stay one more night in Portland for a morning meeting with his boss and co-workers (I believe him), so he'll be home tomorrow night. Before he could start another R talk (I felt it coming), I asked him how his day went. We finally had a conversation about something other than our dilemma. H told me about his day. They made good numbers today, but he had some really tough sells. I took this opportunity to tell him just how proud I am of him being out there working his butt off for us. I told him, "I know it's not easy for you when you have to deal with impossible people. I just want you to know how thankful I am for all you do." He said "thank you", and I could hear in his voice that he felt really good. Hmmm... "Words of Affirmation"? Can you tell what book I'm reading now?

Thanks for listening. Hope everyone had a good weekend!

Hi there. H surprised me today by getting home this afternoon. I wasn't expecting him until tonight. As I had predicted, the kids got to him first! H then came to me (no expectations) with a very warm embrace and kiss. I told him I'm glad he was home safe. H wouldn't let go for a good 10 minutes! No kidding!

After spending time with the kids and after dinner, I was cleaning dishes. H comes and stands next to me. He's just staring at me, so I ask, "Do you want to talk?" H says, "Not really." I say "ok" with friendly warmth and continue washing dishes. After a moment, he leans over and gives me a kiss. I give him a smile.

Over the next couple of hours, I go about my business of picking up baby toys, putting away laundry, etc. I stop every now and then when H wants to talk about things that went on with work or whatever else. Again, I have no expectations of him wanting to talk of his decision about reconciliation. I know I want to talk about it, but I'm waiting for him to start when he's ready.

About 40 minutes ago, H takes my hand and leads me to another room. He begins by telling me that when he left for Seattle a week and a half ago, he was planning on moving out when he got back. He went on by telling me about his feelings of guilt and self-loathing. H said he wished someone could walk up and tap him on the shoulder to tell him what the right thing to do is because he just didn't know. He's done a ton of thinking while being away (especially during his drive home), and he knows now that he does love me and wants to work things out. He wants to see how things go for a couple of months. He said, "This marriage is going to be what I make of it." Then he asked me what my thoughts were. I said, "First, this marriage will be what WE make of it. We are a team, and if we want this to work, we both have to make an effort to make it work."

Will post more later. H is coming through the door.

Woohoo! We were only off by a few hours!!!

Remember! don't get enthusiastic.... he could change his mind and retreat. Keep doing what you've been doing - that seems to be working in conjunction with whatever he's going through!

BTW...what you wrote here:

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H then came to me (no expectations) with a very warm embrace and kiss... H wouldn't let go for a good 10 minutes!... he leans over and gives me a kiss... H takes my hand

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Reads to me like his love language may be physical touch too.

JV,

That is awesome. I'm very happy for you! I would just add to what NY says in that you should take it slow. You are where I'd like to be in a couple of months. I'm praying for you and your H (success).

D.