Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Communication skills need some improvement...

Sage...thank you so much for stopping by...you did answer my questions even though I have a MILLION more!

Well, honestly, we recovered our m with the liberal use of DB'ing (me) and lots of luck (both of us). h worked extremely hard on the M but in his own (wonderful, but sometimes unrecognizable!) way. IOW, we never went to MC (well, after the fateful first time when he told me and the MC he didn't know if he wanted to be married and the MC told us that he couldn't help us then ), he never read any books (to my knowledge) and we rarely, rarely talked about our R. He never said "I want to work on this marriage" (which is something lots of LBSes on the board seem to be waiting to hear) but he did work on it.
Yes, that is us and my H said the exact same thing to MC too. I have finally come to the realization that he will not ever come out and say he is or wants to work on this M, but I think I am able to tell just by his actions.

Doing lots and lots of "what works" (quality time, hiking, hanging out, movies, dinner, quiet times, chatting about fun stuff, etc) got us lots of good feelings between us. Doing hardly any of what doesn't work for us (big old R talks, assigning blame, etc) also helped too. There were many times when I got stuck in cheeseless tunnels thinking "we SHOULD be able to have R talks!" and nearly lost it...you know what? our R talks last 2 minutes at a time, are not done in an angry state, and can take weeks to finish...that's what works well for us.

This is what I am doing now...lots of what works and no real R talks. I am learning to go about any type of discussion in a different way..such as not reacting or yelling or accusing, but listening and just stating how I feel. It is making our conversations so much more enjoyable.

-- will TELLING h this work for you guys? I am not sure...I guess I can just keep suggesting things to do together like I have been doing. And H does seem to respond when I ask for things I need...

I read DR long time ago..probably about year ago when EA first started...but I guess it wouldnt hurt to look it over again, huh?

I guess I just need to be patient and stop having so many expectations...that is my biggest problem..I like to see results NOW and when I dont see any improvements in us in a while, I get anxious.

Thanks Sage for stopping by...and yes, I am going to try and post positives each day, just so I can see that we are moving forward...

Hey Mel--I do think it might have been a little easier that H's affair only lasted 6 months and also no sex was involved. But you know how I got that feeling back..by doing things that I knew would make my H feel good and happy and eventually I started feeling it again and then I was doing those things because I wanted to and I knew I loved him.

He still hasn't done the one thing that would really matter.
And sorry to say...he probably won't do the thing that matters the most, or at least what you think would matter the most. My H has not done any of the things that would let me know that I can feel safe and not be afraid he isnt going to do this to me again. But his actions are showing me...just like some of your H actions are showing you...especially by asking you if you can imagine having a life together again.

I agree with Sage..if your not comfortable with the sex, start small..simple hugs, hand holding, small kisses....you will be amazed that by showing your H loving actions, you will start to feel that love come thru again.

Yes, you will have to make up your mind to ML again..sometimes I still just do it BECAUSE I know it makes my H feel loved and makes him happy and in the end..I end up feeling loved and happy too!!

It's just that the last time we ML, he was still involved with OW (still is) and he would turn away afterwards like it was our dirty little secret, a release for him and that's about it. I did not feel better afterwards, I felt cheap and easy. So our last encounter, (August, ugh) was memorable only for how unsatisfying it was. I did it all, I took the lead, I came on to him. I know I can do it, but selfish me, what's in it for me?

Can you tell I'm a little preoccupied lately?

Just thought I would share this with everyone....
April 15, 2005
A Matter Of Choice
The Law Of Attraction
One of the most wonderful abilities we have is the ability to make choices. We can choose to think positive thoughts or negative thoughts. Likewise, we can make an effort to ensure all our actions contribute to positive outcomes or we can convince ourselves that negative outcomes are inevitable. Such choices can then have a profound affect on your life, for they are the seeds you sow in the universe. Your words and deeds, even the thoughts kept hidden in your mind, contribute to your experience by attracting similar words, deeds, and thoughts because of the Law of Attraction. It is a natural law, as easy to understand as "like begets like" or "what you sow, so shall you reap." It means that what you give to the universe will come back to you, giving you a huge measure of control over the direction and quality of your own life.

If you are patient, you will no doubt be able to see the Law of Attraction at work in your own life. To give a simple example, a smile freely given to a stranger or coworker often nets a smile in return, while a scowl directed at the same individual will most likely cause them to scowl back. On a larger scale your thoughts, feelings, and reactions to people and situations subtly change your aura. These changes in energy can act like a magnet, pulling similar energy to you, be it positive or negative. As you walk your path, you can use the Law of Attraction to help you create the life you want to live by making a conscious decision to emit positive energy. If you are experiencing unpleasantness at home or work, perhaps analyze your own treatment of others. If you find yourself under a great deal of stress, ask yourself if you have been focusing on the expectation of stress. Remember that your thoughts, too, can attract positive or negative outcomes.

Will you choose to focus on beauty, peace, happiness, and love, or to dwell on the faults of others or the world? It's up to you. Because of the Law of Attraction, your focus can easily become your destiny. Learning to alter your reality by attracting only positive people and situations, or, indeed, anything you desire, will open an infinite number of doors.

Thanks Ang for the positive influence. B

Last nite H and I went out to eat. It so nice that we have that at least once a week. It does give us some time to communicate....even if its only about everyday things, but believe me..its more than I used to get! Here's a positive too...last nite I asked H to watch CSI with me and he said he would, but when it got close to 7pm..he said...maybe you could come in here and watch it with me (computer room) because I need to lift. I thought about it for a while and was angry just for little while..thinking.."he had whole past hour to lift if he really wanted to watch tv with me." Then I thought..he didnt have to ask me to watch it with him in computer room, but HE DID!! That meant that he did want to be with me, but also wanted to do his lifting too...I guess that was fair enough and is a positive for us!

I have been handling our disagreements differently lately and I think it is quite a change for me. I talk calmly and state my feelings and also try to ask H to do the same. He always jumps to conclusions about things and gets angry, and I know I cannot change him, but I have changed and I hope that in doing that...he might start to calm down a bit too. We are both very strong and stubborn individuals who always like to be in control. That is one thing that I have tried so hard to let go of...the things I have no control of.

This morning I had to make a call to the IRS...H was trying to tell me what to do the whole time I was on the phone..I said to him calmly...."we both have different ways of handling things..this is my way and I will get the same results, it just might take some time, and if you want it done differently, than I suggest you do it yourself next time". Then we were done..he didnt say anything after that.

Another positive...H was leaving for work today and just walked away and said, "I am leaving" and I said "wait, I wanted to give you a kiss first"...so he waited. Its a start... I am trying to show more "affection"...the stuff that it seems we are both uncomfortable with in hopes of it becoming more comfortable over time.

So even though these are tiny baby steps...they are something for me to focus on and help me stay positive about our M!!

Last night, we were watching a movie together and H phone rang....of course he answered it, because he ALWAYS does! Ok..so it ended up being like a 20 min phone call ( I know it was a friend of his)...so I sat with movie on pause for 20 min, getting more and more angry. He talks to his friends DAILY if not more than that..so I knew it couldnt have been anything too important. Why could he have not at least say, "hey, we are in the middle of a movie, can I call you back in a bit?" At least that would show me that I was a little more important than his friend.

So, when he came back, I thought..ok, I am angry, I need to say something, but in a calm voice. First of all, I didnt use the right words and realized that afterwards. Here is what I did say, "You know maybe next time when you get a phone call and you know its not real important, maybe you could just let it go and then call them back after the movie or at least tell them we are in the middle of a movie and you will call them back"...well, he didnt take it so well. He seemed angry, withdrawn...and would hardly touch me or let me hold his arm. I could just feel the tension in him, so I asked him, "Are you angry? Whats wrong" and he said "Nothing" so I just let it go..I figured the more I talked about it the worse it would get.

He did get another phone call about 10 min later and he did answer it, but was only on for like 1 minute. I did notice that he did check to see who it was at first when they called and hesitated to answer it, so maybe that was his way of trying to show me he WAS okay with what I said.

Well, the night ended ok then, we went to bed together..I tried to make conversation to "test the waters", but it seemed so forced, I just quit and kissed him on cheek and said good nite..and I did thank him for watching movie with me.


If I am spending time with my H and I know its not an emergency on the phone, I do not answer.

A- It may be a touchy subject for you, and maybe you already have, but can you try to let this one go? It was a buddy, he took the call, didn't hide it from you. Next time, get up and take a break, or get on the phone yourself and go call a friend or someone.

My H probably got about 20 calls from ow this weekend, while he was here at the house. He answered most of them by jumping up and dashing outside or downstairs. Humorous actually. Anyway, it may be rude, but a minor offence in the overall scheme of things, ya think? I know, I wasn't there, but you have so much going for you, try to see the positives. A movie with your hubby.

Hang in there, B

Thank B for the advice....and yes, I have let this go many, many times. The thing is that in the past 6 yrs since H and I have been together, I have always been second in his life. His friends have always come first and been more important. It just really hurts sometimes. I would just like to be the most important thing in his life, just once.

Last night I had a wonderful dream. H has started showing affection and being so nice to me and showering me with love...too bad it was only a dream...but maybe its a sign of whats to come!

I just found this on a dream intepretation site

To see a couple in love or expressing love to each other, indicates much success ahead for you.

yipee!!

Think about this....if you needed him, really needed him, would he be there for you? I'm thinking the answer is probably yes.

That said, I know what you mean. You'd like to hear, "hey, can I call you back? Me and 2Much are watching a movie." What if, next time he gets a call, you whisper in your most seductive tone, "Honey, tell them you're busy..." Add a little eye brow wiggle and see what he does. Or just unzip his pants and get his attention....