Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy new and backsliding 2

Hey JVJKB,

Thanks for replying.
Are you saying that you asked H to leave or you just GAL and that brought H around?

I have taken steps to GAL. I have joined a gym. I have left the kids with H on weekends and on a Friday night and have gone out. H will watch the kids, weeknights are just hard. I am just not sure if he views any of this as me moving on or just giving him more freedom to continue. We have no family close by. We have not lived here to long so ... it is hard to find a sitter.

Thanks,
Sherry

Hi Sun,

Yeah, this is very frustrating, confusing and unfair. I guess it is hard because I don't know if I am making any progress or just going in circles here. Most of the time I feel like I am not making much headway. With the brunt of the responsibilities on me, it just gets very frustrating.
I haven't mentioned ow or R in quite awhile over 10 days now. So I wonder what H is thinking. I know I shouldn't, but lately I just wonder if it is too easy for him and if I need to move on. I know only I can make that decision.

Sherry

Sherry--a couple of weeks ago I posted that I was preparing to give an ultimatum and not move with him....now I'm ready to move tomorrow...I guess my point is you are just as confused as your H. Keep detaching as best you can try to find things you can do for you...ask your H to watch the kids tomorrow because you have plans with some friends...will that be a 180? Start doing for you and do things that make you happy!

If he really wanted to be with ow he would have left when you told him too....yes, he's confused and it sucks for you but you need to be patient...you (like me) are not truly ready to end your M that is why you are still there doing what you are doing. However your M ends up there will be two things you can be sure of: You will love you and you will have done everything you could do for your family.

Unsure

keep detaching. Does that send a message like you dont care and dont want the R? It could

If that's the message you think you may be sending then something's wrong in how this is being handled. The message you want to send is this:

I really love you and care all about you, but I'm not crazy "in love" with you anymore. Nope. I love being with you and around you and when we share time together it's great ans wonderful, but... It's not that I don't want the R, it's that I don't really need to have this R. It would be nice, but, hey! It's not going to be, and I'm OK with that. I've got things to do, places to go, people to see. I love my life. Everyday, there's something new and wonderful added to it!

Sherry, JVJKB got her life going and was cheery, positive, vague and indifferent to H, who started seeing her as a changed person he didn't recognize anymore and he was losng her. That reality touched something inside him, and he decided he didn't want to lose her.

Sorry, I just realized you said that weeknights are hard to go out. How about having all your daily duties done and dinner ready for when your H gets home. Then when he does get home (and you know he's staying there for the night), act as if you are in a bit of a hurry to leave because you have plans. Tell H you'll be back in a couple of hours or so. Even if you don't really have any plans, he'll start to wonder. And don't forget to thank him and let him know how much you appreciate him staying with the kids. While you're out, do something for you. Go shopping and buy yourself something really nice. You deserve it! Something that I did which was actually suggested to me by someone on this site was I went out and bought some new lingerie and very sexy panties. Even with things being on shaky ground, boy did my H ever notice! I even bought some revealing blouses. Not skimpy, but enhancing. We went out one night, still unsure of our future, but all I could remember was that my H loved the way I looked in that blouse!

Keep going to the gym. If you haven't already, buy yourself some new clothing. Stuff you know will catch his eye. Fix yourself up everyday - hair, makeup, etc. I have to admit that I kinda let myself go after having the baby, but now that I'm keeping up my appearance, my H touches me more and more everyday.

I hope this is somewhat helpful.

Thanks for listening!

Maybe a definition of what detaching is would be helpful. It does not mean we don't care or don't want to work on our marriage. I actually copied this into my old thread from another, but here it is:

Quote:

---

II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them.

---

Unsure

Thanks everyone.

I had been detaching and GAL, but for some reason this week I starting questioning everything.

I have been doing a lot more things without H. I have no idea how much he talks to ow at this point (havent checked cell phone on-line in a loooong time). I really don't care that much anymore. If that is what he wants, then fine. I can't change it.

The being happy and positive around H has been harder for me. With most of the responsibilities falling on me, I am not always cheerful. I think I am acting like myself most of the time. I guess that is one thing I will work on is trying to be more happy when H is around.

I have bought new clothes and undies. Actually, H helped pickout the undies. That was a while ago before I pushed him away when my emotions were out of control. He has commented on the jeans I bought but that is about it. The way I dressed or look wasn't the problem. He always complimented me.

I guess, it is that time of the year when transfers start happening for teachers. I want to transfer out of my school (very stressful). That got me thinking, should I transfer and stay here or see if I can get back at my old school and move back to Pasadena where I have family and friends. I know I would move without him. He hated it there and that is why we moved. No chance of him following me there.

Still a little torn but will continue to detach and act happy.
Sherry

I keep noticing how you mention the responsibilities are practically falling all on you. Ask your H to help out! I would tell him how stressful work has been (with your transfer, etc) for you, and if he could help out with something, it would be very much appreciated. Don't talk about stresses in your R because you know that won't help. Slowly try making one request per week and go from there.

Sherry, have you read The Five Love Languages by Chapman? I would suggest it if you haven't. You need to try communicating with your H in his love language(s).

When those thoughts of OW come about, do what Michele says. STOP! Immediately think of something else. That's what I had to do for awhile, and the more I did, the less I have had those meaningless thoughts.

Thanks JVJKB,

I have the 5 LL book. My H's LL languages are physical touch and affirmation. The physical touch one is hard, because he has basically stopped it altogether. I usually iniate a hug and a kiss in the morning and he will respond. I initiate ML every so often and he lets me (I wouldn't say he responds a lot). Other than that, I am at a loss as how to work on that one. I will sometimes brush up against him or scratch his back but that is about it.

For words of affirmation I was writing notes on index cards( from our dating days- we used to leave them on each others cars-he started it way back then and I started during this) trying to affirm him in ways I haven't done over the years. I stopped for awhile but have started doing it more over the last few weeks. I am not sure if he is ready to hear my words yet so I am holding back on that.

Your thought on getting him to help crossed my mind today. I told myself this is ridiculous, if he is going to stay here and not make a choice then he has to help.

I actually told him that about a month ago. Obviously he didn't take me seriously. I will take your suggestion and ask H, at this point it can't hurt.
He knows how stressful my work is, he knows I have the kids going and coming home from work, I have them on errands after work. He has heard all this before. He sees everything I do and how I rush around and how I stressed I am. I think at this point he doesn't care. I will try your suggestion of one request a week.

I have also done a lot better with not thinking about the ow. I don't do it nearly as often. I pretty much tell myself she is not worth it. She doesn't deserve my emotion, energy, or time. That hasn't been as much of a problem lately.

BTW, today I texted H and said going on some errands, then getting burgers. When we got home H wasn't there. This where I usually slip up and call. Today I didn't call He called on his way on home and wanted to know if and where we had gotten burgers. (we had already gone and were already home) When he finally got home I was on the phone and in a good mood. I said hi when I got off and asked no questions about where he was. He was in a mood I could tell. Had a sourpuss look on his face. I just ignored it and went about my business. He took some pills then went to bed. Poor baby, if he felt that bad he shouldn't have stayed out so late. Sorry I am really not that mean, just venting here. Lately, something always seems to be wrong though, head, tummy, etc. I think it is more related to stress because of what he is doing.


Thanks,
Sherry