You may be right NY. I haven't looked at it like that. There may be some baby steps and actions I have missed because they are just that, baby steps.
I am still not sure what I am going to do at this point. I know ultimatums are not good but I am not sure I want to keep living like this either.
Spring break and summer (esp. summer) when we both have time off really worries me. I can't expect him to stay home all the time but I don't think I will be able to trust him if he still has contact with ow. I can't live all summer that way. This whole thing began in the summer. So.. I have some serious thinking to do between now and then.
I am glad I was of some help to you. Sometimes I feel like I am so confused myself I certainly can't be of any use to anyone. You are right in that it helps to read and know you are not alone in this, to see other people are experiencing what you are experiencing.
Ultimately, it has to do with whatever brings you happiness.
But if it's impatience with the situation that you base the decision on, you may want to rethink that. Your ability to be patient may pay off. You don't want to give up 5 minutes before you would've gotten results. These things take a far longer time it seems than we wish them to.
OK, so last night we had a talk and he said our therapist told him to not talk to me about the OW. H goes to see him again day after tomorrow and he says he'll talk to him about me asking the questions about the OW and what he's supposed to say. Wouldn't the therapist tell him to be honest? He's lied enough about how many times he's talked to the OW. I just don't see how he can act that way and then get in the car and call the OW. H says, "it's not like I'm calling her every day or anything". Well, what a comfort. Right. It was late when we talked last night and we agreed to talk tonight when the kids went to bed. Now I'm rethinking if I want to know how often he's still talking to the OW. I feel like I'm just avoiding the inevitable. I just don't get how he can be acting the way he is with me yet still not know how he feels about the OW. I feel like it's always 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I fail to see the "exceptions" and accept them as what they are as opposed to telling myself, the other shoe will fall soon enough. It has many times so why not again? I'm just afraid I'm the fool here again believing him. He's the one who bought DB to begin with and was reading it but if he's still calling the OW, what the hell is he doing? I don't want to push him for fear I'll push him away, yet I don't want to act all loving and sweet so he'll think that he can have his cake and eat it too if ya get my drift. I'm in such limbo. How do I get past this? Help anyone?
Sun-I've read all your posts, I applaude your efforts and can't believe your stamina in all of this.But I'm curious does your H have a job?It seems he sure has a lot of time.If H doesn't have a decent job and seems like your doing everything, I think your nuts. Sorry.
At this point I will try to be patient a while longer and see what happens. The fact that I haven't brought up ow or R in about 3 weeks seems to be helping. H acts more like himself. He left a vm while I was at the gym today. I leave my phone in the locker. He responded to an email I had sent ( a friendly one) and then went on jokingly about where I might be, then said he would call home to see if I was there. He left another funny message at home about where I was.
Yes this is very confusing. Like I have been told many times, you have to decide what you want. What will make you happy?
Have you read the DR book yet?
You might want to think about detaching. Live for you and your kids right now, not your H. Try to treat your H like a friend and have no expectations. This is hard because you are not used to treating him that way. Don't ask about the ow or bring up the R. I have learned the hard way. That doesn't help, it only hurts the situation.
The question about being on this board, was asking if you have your own thread and if it was on this forum (infidelity) or a different forum.
Let me tell you something Sherry. Our walkaways went for a long time bearing up with stuff they didn't like about being in a relationship with us, a long time of pain dealing with us. They leave and we burst and change and right away say, "Look! I've changed! Come back!" and get impatient because they don't return in a few weeks or a few months. Well, hell, it took a few years for them to go through enough that they walked... we can't be impatient. It took a long time for everything to fall apart, it's going to take a long time to repair.
