The kids have been the main part of my decisions. I look at their faces and don't want them to experience the pain of divorce. I was in highschool when my parents divorced and it hurt then even when I understood what was going on. I don't want my children to experience that.
I felt good yesterday, I hope that feeling lasts. Little things that always bother me didn't. This is silly but, we have some tv shows we watch together. Boston Legal is one of them. Last night it came on. H was in the back of the house in our bedroom and I was in the front picking up. I started watching it in the living room while H stayed in our room. Usually that would make me sad. Last night I just didn't care. After discovering this and being happy, he comes out on the first commercial to get something to eat and then stays in the living room. I guess the no expectations thing is true.
After the show, told H I was going to make a drink and he said he wanted one to. Well then he goes into the bathroom and stays there for a looong time. (he does that alot--I think he escapes in there and does texting--although he denies staying in there a long time). So I make me a drink and some nachos and throw in a movie I rented. He comes out, Hey you made nachos then wheres my drink? Usually I wait for him. He seemed surprised.
Anyway I hope to keep things like that up. Last week I started dinner without waiting on him to get home. I will keep doing that too.
I actually was doing a 180 before the bomb was dropped and didn't even know it. One thing he doesn't like is arguing over what is for dinner. We had this routine "What do you want? I don't care. What do you want? It doesn't matter to me" So I just started making the decisions and cooking before he even got home.
Lot of stuff to do today on my day off--let a lot of housework slide this weekend.
The one thing that I truly have learned through DB is that I used to sweat the little things. Get annoyed at stupid things. There are far more important things to gripe about with H than stupid things like "You said you were going to do this". Obviously we all got a taste of reality when we found out about H's and their OW. This is a wake up call...
Do what you have been doing, make the decisions about dinner. Start watching a video without him, H will start to see that you are going to do what you have to do for you...He is already noticing, so keep it up.
My H and I used to have that same convo about dinner all the time...My answer was always, lets go out to eat...Then it turned into where do you want to go, I dont know where do YOU want to go...LOL
H has been under the weather and mooooody. Trying really hard not to react or say anything--sucessful most of the time. Just a minute ago as I was typing on someone's thread, he came in and stared at me. I said "what?" No comment for a few seconds. Then he asked a question--nothing personal of course. I wonder what was going through his head. I am not going to try and guess or assume anything. I am finally learning that lesson.
Last night h asked "Would you freak out if I said I wanted to go for a drive?" (rewind for a minute--a month or so back--I woke up in the middle of the night and found a note on the table that he went for a ride--I freaked--that is when he met with ow was in middle of night) So, I said, no, I won't freak, go and be careful. Then I added (I know I shouldn't have but did anyway ) "Will you freak if I ask you to not call ow while you are out?" he said "no." I don't think any damage was done. He did not get mad, which he usually does when I mention ow. Then, when he came back, he actually told me what he was going to do (which he rarely does at night) before he did stuff (like I am going to shower, shave, etc.)
Feeling better. H went to the store and I am not worrying about him calling ow while out. Can't conrol him but can control me.
I like going to the gym. Wasn't sure if I would, but I do. Not as intimadating as I thought. Maybe it is just guys actually look at me and I am reminded, hey I am not that bad looking. It does boost the confidence especially when your H rarely looks at you or touches you. It probably relieves some stress too. LOL
It absolutely relieves stress...good for you, keep going! I asked my gf if she would be interested in going to the rock climbing and she is really up for it! That will be fun!
You shouldn't have made the comment about ow but oh well...you did can't turn back time, didn't seem to do much damage!
I used to say stuff to H like do you think you could not call OW today too? And he would always respond with I wont, but you know what he always did anyway. So just so you dont get upset, he probably did, but like you said you cant control him, just you and your reaction. So you are thinking on the right track with that.
I hear you about going to the gym. I still feel a little uncomfortable just because I think people are looking at me and saying "She didnt stay on that machine long enough" but other than that, I just think to myself, I am going to be rewarded in the end with a slimmer body and hopefully a bikini this summer...LOL
You are doing very well, and I know how it feels to have H home and still doing what he is doing. Mine wont be home for long, and I am still torn as to what really needs to be done to fix this, but every sitch is different. For Crushed it worked out for her that they never moved out. For me I think it will work for me that he does. Keep doing for you...Keep going to the gym. I am going tonight... Talk later. Sun
It is hard to not think about H and what he is or is not doing. But I think I am getting better. I am starting to feel like I will be okay no matter what happens.
I think it is really hard when your H is home though. It is hard to not react and be happy and postive all the time. They certainly aren't. I am still not sure if I am DBing the right way. In some instances I know I am.
Well I will focus on positives. H playfully slapped my bottom this morning. He hasn't done anything like that in a looong time. I usually iniate any touching (mostly hugging which he will hug back). Won't put too much emphasis on it either, just one teeny tiny baby step, right.
His love language is physical touch. Any suggestions on how to love him that way if he is holding back emotionally. He needs to be loved that way but doesn't want it from me. Does anyone have any suggestions about this?
The book mentions little things like brushing against his arm when you pass by. I remember thinking other things one could do innocently enough is to come up behind them when they're reading or at the computer and massage their neck. When you have a conversation with him, reach out and touch his arm lightly as you speak, as if underscoring a point, or when you laugh. Hugs are good too. Get the idea?
