I'm sorry to hear that she has started pulling away again. Is it possible that she's putting attention into the kids and not you, and that is what you are feeling? I hope that makes sense.
I know that in my M, there were often times when other things in my life (like kids, career, education, etc...) consumed most of my thoughts. My ex wasn't always the first one on my mind, and he didn't always know what was going through my head.
Although looking back I think he should have been a higher priority more often - lessons learned.
Sometimes we get so caught up in the day-to-day stuff, that we don't take enough time to appreciate each other.
Aside from the kids returning, has anything else been happening in her life? Just wondering what would trigger the change.
Also, what did you mean by seeing the writing on the wall now that your D has moved back for the semester? Is that a separate thing from feeling her pull away? I wasn't sure what you meant there, or if it was just the way you worded it.
I'm sure some other bright person (aka Ellie or Z) will be by to offer their input and ask their own questions too.
We're here if you want to talk. Okay?
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
It's tough to explain. But much like watching a rerun. Only difference is I didn't know what was going on before. It was hard enough to be patient when it looked like there was some progress. Then it stopped, now it's in reverse.
I've mentioned it, she doesn't want to talk. So I don't bring it up. She's even hung up on me a couple of times when she didn't get the answer she wanted...and I think you know how I feel about that.
That's the funny thing. She starts the conversation, then gets mad and walks out of the room. Been there already and don't want to do it again.
Well, I gotta go. You take care...and don't you dare make a list!
1. Good to hear from you. 2. Sorry to hear about the recent changes. 3. Yes, I know how you feel about hang-ups. 4. I wish I knew how to help. 5. Chin up and hang in there. 6. Have a good weekend.
7. With that kind of challenge, I just couldn't resist.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
You obviously have a problem following instructions.
Not really much anyone can do. I wish I had an answer but I've never been able to get us over the hump. We go out, usually have a good time, but she sets the boundaries. If I decide not to play along, I get the silent treatment and she sulks for a while then it goes back to normal...never really great...just OK. And it stays that way, until I happen to mention that I'm not exactly thrilled with "OK". Then the cycle repeats itself.
I've tried to wait it out and just be content that she's not flipping out anymore, but I always run out of steam and we'll probably never know if it's just a "very long phase". Now, it's just getting harder to climb back in the saddle once she's thawed out.
I remember a passage in DR about couples being surveyed and rating their marriage a 7 out of 10 after sticking through this. I always thought "7 out of 10 isn't exactly where I want to be after going through all this." But now I'm wondering if that's the best we can do?
I look at where we are and I just don't think she gets it. Which was alright since I always thought I could figure it out and we'd be OK. But now I don't think that's enough. We can get to "OK" but I need her help to get to great...and I don't think she'll ever get to the point where she's willing to make the extra effort.
Sounds selfish and extremely one-sided, I know. But that's where I'm at right now...maybe I'm just tired but when I try to get her perspective(which isn't often. I don't bring up R very much at all), she just clams up (or hangs up...or reminds me that she put up with this stuff for 20 years...or whatever). More than once I've wanted to say "OK, you're right. You are better at this than I am! You win. Congratulations! I'm outta here."
But aside from that, everything else is going well!
Sooner or later I'll figure something out. In the meantime, y'all take care.
You obviously have a problem following instructions.
And you thought that would change? LOL. I can't help it if I'm just as stubborn as I am short.
I can understand what you mean about wanting more than a 7 out of 10. After all we've been through, shouldn't we be able to get more? Shouldn't we want more? Although I'm not with my H anymore, I still struggle with those same thoughts. After all we've done, all we've learned, you'd think we'd be able to make things better.
I remember a conversation you and I had a couple years ago, and we talked about not wanting to settle. Man, I don't want to settle for a 7 either. If that is the guarantee, no thanks, I'll have a companion and do this life thing on my own. I just never thought I'd be a person to think that way, but D, adultery, betrayal, and 3 years of hurt can do that to a person.
From your post, I get the impression that you thought that you'd know enough and be able to get the two of you through the tuff stuff. I used to think that too, but I think I'm finally understanding that it can't just fall on my shoulders. The other person has to do some growing and changing too, or a 7 may be the best we'll ever get.
I think that if I were still with my H, that I'd be walking on eggshells, wondering if this is the day that he walks out, that this is the day I will screw up. And I wonder if he would have been as willing and able to learn and grow as much as me. I wonder if that would have been good enough for me. ??
I just want to know that somewhere in life, I'm rewarded for all the crap. And I don't know that I would have had that if with him.
I look forward 20 years, and I wonder if I will be happy with my choices, and will I feel like I settled for something that could have been better? There is a lot of fear in that. Heck if I know - so I'm going to be very cautious for a very long time -- I don't want to look back with regret, wondering if I could have done better (with GWH or someone else).
So, I guess after all that rambling, I'm trying to say that married or not, I can understand what it might be like for you right now. Although I'm in the surviving D phase, my thoughts are very in line with yours. Whether divorced or piecing, I think our standards are a bit higher than they were before.
If you figure it out, let me know. Okay?
Also, I don't think it's selfish to feel that way - to want more - to not settle for a 7. But that's just my .02.
Hey, at least I didn't make a list!!
Take care Big Guy. I'll keep you in my prayers.
MAL
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Not really much to say right now. I'm still lurking and doing some thinking. So far the holidays are going well, although can't really say the same for the marriage.
Hey JS. Sorry for the slow reply. I don't get here as often anymore, and I didn't see your post.
I'm sorry you are still in the rut, and I wish there was more I could do to help. I just don't know how you do it after all this time. I was thinking about it when I read your post, and I realized it has been 2 years since your W came back home. Wow, that time went by fast.
Also, before I forget, if you need an ear, let me know. I'm here for you old friend. (And I don't mean OLD as in age. LOL. Although I realize you ARE getting up there now. Ha Ha. )
I know YS and D are back home now (I think??). Will you be seeing all the kids, including OS, over the holidays? I know sometimes you go to see your W's family. Making any trips like that?
You know, I notice you haven't been talking about the new job much (not that it is new anymore). How is that going? Do you like it?
I didn't make a list, and I kept this post small. Just trying to catch up with some friends. So maybe you'll reply.
Take care Big Guy. Talk to you soon.
Hugs!
MAL
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
