Quote: I think this is true for most HD folk. Regular sex with someone we love is one of the top reasons we want to be married.
I have always worried that the only reason H married me was because of the sex. That he saw it as an easy way to get regular sex without all the work of dating. When I ask him why he married me he says because I was fun and we had sex a lot, he never says because he fell in love with me.
If H wants to be desired by me why then does he not put the effort into making that happen? He wants me to want him but he doesn't want to do anything to change the situation? It doesn't make sense. If he were single again, wouldn't he have to make an effort to meet someone new and start a sexual relationship with them? Why not devote energy into our sexual relationship one in which we have at least a base to start from?
When men are dating, they work hard to impress the ladies, but only because they want sex from the ladies. But if we KNOW they are LD, then why waste the effort? I now know that I would NEVER, NEVER again date a LD women. The same is true in marriage, I could divorce my wife and then spend the effort to impress the next lady, and I would have a 50/50 chance that my next women is HD. But if I spend the same effort to impress my CURRENT wife, my chances on her being HD are practically 0! Why would a man want to spend the effort to impress a lday that he already knows is ALWAYS going to be LD!!! Somehow, you need to indicate to him that if he does try to impress you, that your desire level will TRULY increase!! No matter what I do, my wifes "Desire" never returns.
Quote: When men are dating, they work hard to impress the ladies, but only because they want sex from the ladies.
That makes me sad to think that the only reason H was treating me so well was so he could get sex. It had nothing to do with me and who I was or am for that matter. It all has to do with a physical drive. It makes me feel like a piece of meat. That unless I "put out" I'm not worth the effort.
Quote: When I ask him why he married me he says because I was fun and we had sex a lot, he never says because he fell in love with me.
And: That makes me sad to think that the only reason H was treating me so well was so he could get sex. It had nothing to do with me and who I was or am for that matter. It all has to do with a physical drive. It makes me feel like a piece of meat. That unless I "put out" I'm not worth the effort. ------------------
ccc, Don't take that as a personal affront. For many HDM, the way to their heart is through sex. IOW, the only way they feel loved is by their sexual interaction. Having sex regularly makes their partner special to them and their love for the partner grows.
Perhaps you feel loved when your H helps you around the house or by giving you a gift. It doesn't mean you don't love him unless he does, just that you FEEL loved by him doing so. And aren't you willing to please him so that he'll "help" you or "gift" you? He's not just a piece of meat that's only good for "helping" or "giving". It's just learning to communicate in the special way that makes each of us feel loved.
Boy I'd certainly love my H to "want me" too. Unfortunately I've come to understand that one simple word "want" can mean soo many things to each of us. In your H's case he probably means he wants you to desire him physically. What he probably doesn't understand is that by not doing those things that you used to find so attractive and endearing (flowers/dinner..whatever) that he's making himself less attractive to you.....and that's where the downhill spiral takes place. He stops doing what you like...therefore you eventually stop doing what he likes....then feelings can change...resentment takes the place of appeal/attraction etc.
This will not turn around overnight. Just like right now you can't snap your fingers and suddenly make yourself sexually attracted to your H. My gut is telling me that MUCH of this is a communication issue between the two of you.
I think you'll find through reading through many of the posts on here, especially for those people who have had any degree of success...that communication is the first thing that needs to be worked on before a couple can achieve true "intimacy". Have you and your H considered counseling? If not I would highly suggest it. That impartial 3rd party can come in so helpful when it comes to teaching the two of you to communicate clearly with each other...and hear each other.
I really do suggest this...put some thought into it.
I totally agree that it is a communication issue. That and the fact that we are both quite selfish at times. Neither one of us wants to give more to the other. We seem to have these mental scorecards in our heads as to who has done the most (or what we perceive as the most), even if it means it will make the other happy. I mean our vows said to Love and Cherish not Love and Cherish but only if the other gives you everything you want when you want it.
Yes sir ree Bob, I think Greeneyedlass has got it right. I think (and hope) there's another dynamic in play. About the only thing that keeps me going is an old phrase I coined over a quarter of a century ago "we only remember the good and see the bad." What has thrown me for a loop is W remembers not one thing good and back before DB I offered her assistance in remembering and POW! right in the kisser! Last night I read some old DB stuff and right in front of my nose was "they won't remember any good times." Back to my old phrase, given time, the good will return just stay the course. Oh yeah, one more thing, You might help yourself by remembering the good too!
You do realize that this problem won't improve until one of you gives up keeping that score card, right? One of you has to start the ball rolling and you cannot count on the other person to take charge...you are here, you are posting for suggestions....you need to start the ball rolling.
okay so H and I talked again last night and I think it was the first productive talk we have had in years. We were actually listening to each other. I tried to explain to him how my sexuality was directly into how I felt about our relationship. I apoligized for ignoring his needs and pretending that mine had any more importance than his. It was really the first time that we had spoken about our R where we didn't end up yelling at one another.
So, we have decided to set a small goal right now. We are going to set aside one night a month to go out together alone. I know it doesn't seem like a lot but it is what we feel right now we had actually achieve (part of our problem before was setting goals we just couldn't make then giving up). So, tomorrow night we are going to dinner alone....at a restaurant that doesn't have a "kids eat free" policy. We are going to start simple and see what happens.
