When we first went to a marriage counselor around Oct. '03 (at H's suggestion), I told her about a vision that I had a few times. My H, me, his friends, and his family were all on a boat, and it was sinking. As it continued to sink, I realized that I could only count on myself if I didn't want to die. H was interested in saving his friends and family. This wasn't even a dream; it was something that I could just picture in my head.
When we were first dating, H told me that he would NEVER put me before his friends and family. Although he now says this is not the case, this is something that he still does. Our marriage is secondary to him.
An exercise we did early on in counseling was to identify our values. I had a selective group of things that I deemed valuable; H selected almost every word on the list. Conversely, my word means something while H's is just whatever the other party wants to hear and may or may not be something he intends to honor.
Even though I've forced H to take financial responsiblity for some things (car payment, cell phone) by refusing to cover them, he doesn't contribute a cent to anything above and beyond those items. He promises and promises but, as stated above, his word doesn't necessarily mean anything.
The worst part of all is that I don't even trust him at all, which makes me really sad. He's betrayed me on so many levels that I don't know if trust is even a possibility anymore.
Of course, there's still the sex issue. More empty promises on this one.
I can't think of a single thing that I'm getting out of this relationship, aside from stress and unhappiness. I'm not even sure WHAT I'm hanging onto here.
I'm sorry to hear you say things like that, it's got to be very painful. It sounds to me that he's not really a participant in a "marriage".
Have you answered the question to yourself yet of how long will you live this way? I'm not an advocate of divorce, although I have been divorced, but there are those people who don't really take you seriously or begin to listen for real until you do something drastic...such as a separation and moving out.
Now before I get slammed by other people....this doesn't work for everyone, I'm just saying that there are situations where this is necessary. This was the case with my ex. He really didn't think I seriously meant I couldn't live with a alcoholic...the day he took his last drink was the day I moved out.
Unfortunately we went straight to divorce, rather than a separation...otherwise we might still be together today. But at the time I was far too angry, I just couldn't see that I would ever get over that anger, which I did when I realized he seriously had straightened up. Fortunately we are now friends, and we didn't have children.
This is just something for you to think about...and also for you to know we're all here for you.
He moved out for a month last year...that move coincided with me telling him that I was not going to cover his truck payment, cell phone, etc. (all in MY name but he uses) anymore. I would do so then have to hound him for months to get any money back; I was also having to resort to credit card advances to do so. It's not like I'm sitting here making a huge salary with money to spare. I was willing to let the truck be repossessed and take the credit ding. He has been paying those bills and that portion of the car insurance but doesn't contribute to anything else at all, including groceries.
Out of the 3 kids (2 boys-41,39 and 1 girl-37), only his brother is a responsible adult who pays his own way. His sister has never fully supported herself. My H doesn't seem to have any desire to even be a partner in our marriage in any way. It's always "I'll give you money later" but, as I mentioned, his word isn't worth crap.
We don't have kids; I do have 2 teens from a prior marriage.
Have you checked with an attorney yet to see perhaps what could be done about the things that are in your name? I really don't know if anything could be.
But, I know this is going to sound harsh....you do know he's going to continue this behavior as long as you let him right? His moving out previously (to me) doesn't make the same statement as you doing it. To me he was running away, or punishing you. Also, and this is just me speaking from my POV....if I were paying on a truck for someone else, he wasn't contributing diddly squat, and wasn't even present in the marriage....I'd be taking that truck with me and selling it. Then if you feel he can't live without a vehicle purchase something with the money left over and let him drive that! I mean, he can't expect you to foot the bill for everything, so give him what is actually affordable. I know that sounds very mean, but it makes a point.
The truck is too "upside down" to do anything about. I could possibly pay off the load partially with sale proceeds but would still be liable for the balance. There would be no leftover funds to provide him with any type of vehicle. Besides, I did that for my 16-year old daughter; why should I do it for my almost 40-year old husband?
I owned this house before he moved in, so me moving out is not a possibility. I could certainly tell him to move out but would still have to monitor his car payment, cell phone, etc. like I do now.
I honestly don't know what it is with him; he isn't lazy. His brother (now divorced and the only responsible one) sort of did this with his ex-wife. He would give her money for half the mortgage, let her cover everything else, and buy toys (jet skis, cars, etc.) with the rest.
Ok...one question. If you have to monitor that he pays his cell phone...why does he have one? To me, if he wants one and you can't count on him to be responsible for it...let him get one of his own, on his own. If for some reason his credit won't allow that...he can get a pre-paid cell phone.
As far as the truck goes...ok, that I understand. And selling it and providing him with a truck out of the proceeds...was only a suggestion if you felt you absolutely had to do that (personally, IMHO....he can ride the bus to work.)
Since the house is yours...pack his crap and put it outside. To me that would be as effective as you moving out...which of course if you owned the house previously, I wouldn't do either ;-)
My main point is, whatever you choose to do, you're going to have to do something to wake him up. Perhaps he won't wake up. Here's something our C has asked me before and it's a good question that applies to you as well...."if this doesn't change, if he can't/won't do what you need him to do how long are you willing to live this way?"
Unfortunately there are times we have to cut our losses and move on. I'm hoping this isn't one of them for you.
COGal, Why did you marry him? I'm not trying to be critical, but there must have been something there in the beginning that allowed you to look past that huge red flag of him telling you that wou would always be second to his freinds and family.
I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself that same question:( I'm just not smart when it comes to picking husbands.
The issue did get better between the time we first started dating and when we got married. However, it's instantly obvious whenever we're around his friends or family. They (and he) expect me to fade into the background completely. I feel uncomfortable in my own home when he gets a call from anyone (cell); he takes off for another part of the house. He'll even let calls go to voice mail and say something like "It's dad...I'll call him later" but not do so when I'm home.
He's been working temporarily for FedEx while looking for another job. He tells me that he can't call me while at work due to the noise while his cell phone bill (I pay bills) shows multiple daily calls to one of his friends; we're talking 6-10 CALLS A DAY.
Ok...you are enabling him to continue this behavior. He says he can't call you while he's at work, yet calls his friends on a cell phone you pay for?! Now really, I'm not trying to bust your chops here....but you do see how you are allowing him to continue this behavior right?
If you're footing the bills....stop paying for the ones that he's abusing....i.e. the cell phone.
This is just an honest question....do you see the ways you are enabling his behavior? Of course he's not going to change what he's doing or how he's treating you....YOU are allowing him to treat you this way, and by doing so...you're inviting more of the same behavior. It's a mistake many, many of us (including me) make or have made.
Hon, put on that stylish stilletto you have in your closet and put it down firmly! He needs ground rules and you need to enforce them. Now I'm not saying be a bitch, but do stop allowing him to use you...and unfortunately that's exactly what he's doing.
Sounds harsh, I know....but you do need to set clear/firm boundaries.
Nope; I'm not paying it at all and haven't for some time. However, it is in my name. I have to collect $$ from him to pay it on time, or he'll just let it slide. I told him that I wasn't covering this stuff AND I haven't been doing so. Getting him to step up and make sure stuff is paid is a different story.
