You posted to me giving me support when i first got here, and I remember reading your sitch. Let me just say that this could not have happened to a better person. I am happy to see things turned around for you. You and your H will be in my prayers tonight.
Awesome, Crushed! I am so happy for you. I remember when you first came on this bb, how truly crushed you were. And now, lookit! Crushed, no more, I think, 'eh?!
Just be patient where the trust thing is concerned. That is my mantra at the moment. I know how you feel about that, but I think it comes back eventually. At the moment, I can see that there will be a time where I will be able to trust my H, if we continue to progress as we are now.
All the best!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Darn........I'm not doing well today. I am sooooooooo strugling with the trust issue. The R talk that lead to my H telling me that he still loves me and he is confused and doesn't know anymore if he wants the D (that's a convo we had a night befor he asked me for another chance) was prompted by me using his computer and seeing that he renamed the file with OW's pictures to her initials only instead of her name (couple of days earlier I told him I knew he had her pictures on the comp). At that time I asked him what was the point of renaming - it's not for my benefit because it doesn't matter anymore, it only shows how un-trustworthy he is. He told me at that time that I can just delete the file, I said I won't do it cous it's not my place to make that move plus he probably has the pictures saved in his e-mail anyway. He said no.
So, this morning (it's my day off) I decided to do a little test of his trust. I went down to his studio on checked his computer - the file is not only still there but on Sunday in the PM (the day when he asked me to work on M again) there was a zip file created with her pictures in it. Now, I don't know anything about MAC comps (that is what he uses) but my feeling is he created a back up so he can take the folder off the computer but still have the pictures.
That was a small thing that would show me that I can START trusting him again and he failed. What hurts me is that he KNEW how I felt about that folder, we talked about it, he told me to delete it yet day later he was fiddling with it (can't claim that he forgot to delete it) and making back ups.
What sucks is that all day yesterday he was e-mailing me being supportive about my work sitch (I had to let go 2 people) and once I got home we were kissing and hugging and ML in the kitchen (something he always wanted to do) and later again we ML in bed. This morning as he was leaving for work he came over to kiss me and tell me he loves me (twice) and this is what I'm faced with now.
I don't know what to do...do I wait and see if the folder will get deleted (although I will never know if he made a back up because he has so many disks and CDs) or confront him about it in a civil way. He is not giving me anything to build my trust on, quite the opposite - I keep sinking deeper into the hole of no trust. If I'm his back up plan, if he is just worried about finanaces (MovingForward's sitch opens that posibility) or he is just plain confused and doesn't want to commit to either choice but once I move out he might have to and he is stringing me along until he figures out what he really wants.
I'm tired. Cut the crap and let me move on because I was in the good place before he asked me to reconsider. I was hurting but at peace with it. I was ready to start over. Now I'm feeling more pain, doubt and anger. That's not healthy and no R can be build on that.
H called to see if the person that was supposed to work on the house showed up. I answered the phone still teary eyed (I have been crying since seeing the folder with OW's pictures still on his comp). He asked what's wrong I said nothing, he kept asking, finally I said that I don't think I wanted to talk to him about it at this point. He gently asked me to do so anyway because he knew I was really bothered. He asked if it's something he did. I said yes, and I told him about my discovery. He was silent for a while, he admitted that he was doing a back up (AHA!) but he got distracted and did not finish. He said he doesn't know why he was doing it, he was trying to make a light out of it saying that I know him, he never throws anything away. I told him that I feel that I can't trust him still, that the sitch that we are in with him working with her is not helping and that something I have to struggle with. He told me that he hasn't talked to her in over a week, hasn't seen her for that long as well. She is a part timer and works on a different floor, he doesn't have a need to go there anymore so he is not. He told me that he has been so happy and radiant that his co-workers were surprised and asking (he did not tell anyone but his brother so far that we are working on our M again).
I had to get off the phone for a while but he called back and I just finished. I was brave and asked him to tell me about the OW. He admitted to kissing her (mid November), going out with her to Starbucks (hm...) on Sat night when I was gone on the cruise. He said at that time he already started to question if he really wanted that R, he did not see in her what he had with me and he started to value those different things (that he had with me).
I said to him that he might be done with her but does she know that...he said he doesn't even know if she was that much into him to begin with. I don't know...she was calling him a lot, she kissed him (I would hope the girl had more morals in her not to kiss someone she did not care for at least a little but then again, she was going out with a MARRIED man so that should give me an answer) - I'm not so sure.
The bottom line is: he loves me, he is happy now, he desires me, he is excited about our future together, he is looking forward to exploring the love with me. He said I will not be sorry and I will see how serious he is about all that. I asked him about MC - should we go again, he said tha if I wanted to he is game but he definitely wants to keep up with the one on one therapy as well.
Crushed--the bottom line is the most important thing. He might be having a little trouble letting the pics go but he is with you and he loves you. Please remember this is going to take time and lots of work. Please remember that he may not always work as hard at it as you want him to.
Please stop snooping--it is only causing you more pain. Try to act as if you believe OW is gone and there is no more reason to even talk about it. I never bring up my Hs former OW. I don't ask questions because I really don't want to know anything about it and he would probably minimize things because he doesn't want to hurt me anyway.
Trust is hard but without it you will have nothing. Just keep working at it. Keep DBing and acting as if you are feeling good about you and your life. Try not to let him kmnow when you've been crying, try to smile and be upbeat whenever you talk to him. Keep the pressure off.
There is no way he can convince you that he is trustworthy. No matter what he says you are still going to wonder. You have to come to that place on your own.
Keep reading your "bottom line" over and over--it says it all. Keep up the good work!
I am sure it is hard. I have read lots of threads here in piecing seeing people put their R's back together. I don't beleive any of them would tell you it hasn't been worth the work and effort.
You have to chose if YOU want the marriage. Then if you do you chose to trust because trust is for yourself not for him.
You trust that either way you will be ok, but your choice is to save your marriage if you can.
It takes them a while to let go of OP the same as it took time for them to be willing to let go of us. But, he is making all the moves now. He needs understanding and time.
Do you read Sage's current thread? She is awesome to read and the R she has with her H now is just unbelievable! Another lady that I talk to via e-mail from the bb that saved her marriage said just the other day her H thanked her so much for not giving up on their marriage.
It is worth it I believe, if you want it.
Go for it girl!
Besides part of the tears are just lots of jumbled emotions and stress.
{{{{{{{Crushed}}}}}}}
PS I got the puppy!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I cannot tell you how happy I was to hear from you. I don't know, maybe it's because you've seen me when I'm down, you helped me to get up so many times...It seems that I'm going somewhere really wonderful if I can only find the strength to get there. I needed to read your post to reinforce what I already had in my head: I am strong, I wanted it to work and I knew it will be a hard work on my part and his. What was true before is still true now: I cannot control his actions, I cannot be responsible for them. I can choose the response to his actions though and it will either make me miserable or happy.
And like molliew advised: I got to give him benefit of the doubt, stop snooping (why do I keep telling myself that I'm doing it to find that trust? It's only bringing me pain and doubt!) believe that he has nothing to gain if he stays and therefore he does it because he really wants to.
Pam - I want to see the picture of your puppy!!!! Is it boy or girl? What about the name? Wait a minute! I thought the puppy was for your neighbor not you!!!!!!
Okay gang, time to go get a haircut and run some errands. I"ll be back in the PM! Working on my PMA and doing some GAL...
(something he always wanted to do) and later again we ML in bed. This morning as he was leaving for work he came over to kiss me and tell me he loves me (twice) and this is what I'm faced with now.
