Phoenix - thanks dear. I would've never thought I'll be joining you and BeingMe on this forum....quite a weekend!
So my PMA is back up again. Feel more confident and I also think that it's a continuing learning experience. Whatever happens I'll be able to deal with it. I'm still alive and I thought 3.5 months ago (BTW: it's amazing how true the estimate of one month for each married year is) that I would die of broken heart. So life goes on! Sometimes smoother than other times. Sometimes rougher...
Here is a question: Are things happening too quickly for me? He tells me he loves me, we kiss, hug, ML every day. It's like we are newly wed or new in the R that's very intense...I am afraid to cool it down because that's what was missing in the original R but I don't want to screw it up with being too eager...I know each sitch is unique and I'm hoping my really does require a lot of show of feelings but I would appreciate any advise from anyone who has it to offer.
My H came around pretty quickly too when he finally turned the corner. In his case, he had been fighting back his feelings for me, so when he finally acknowledged them, it was kind of like a dam breaking (still took about a month though for him to write the OW a definitive "don't contact me again" letter, so be prepared.)
Crushed--I saw the subject line of your thread and had to read. Congrats, I hope I get there someday. After 3 weeks of not snooping I checked his email and found some porno pics of FF/OW. It crosses my mind often what will I do if we get to the point you are at and he wants to work on our R...will I always be 'snooping'?? How will I trust him again? I will keep reading your thread and hope you can help give me some insight to that...
Sure its happeneing quickly, but I wouldn't try to cool it down if thats what was missing before in your M. That stuff wears off soon enough on its own. Just enjoy evry day you get to get to hug, kiss, ML and even fight with H. Trust is something you feel, so don't rrush it. If he is still having pics of OW naked a month from now, thats a bigger issue.Stop snooping. You are thr only one who gets hurt by doing it.
I am happy for you. I can only hope that my H will turn a corner like yours has. Just don't forget what led you down this path in the first place and be the best wife and person you can be. R's are hard enough and this will probably seem impossible sometimes. But you are definitely on the right path. Congrats!
I am so happy for you! I know things seem hard sometimes and all your emotions are rushing back now that you are getting what you want, but you can do this. Did you ever read MF's threads that I told you about on Hope's thread? Read them. This guy is an inspiration to those dealing with an affair. He has so much strength and patience. It will also show you that you still have a lot of work to do so you need to hang in there and keep DBing.
You have got to stop snooping. Trusting H is not about him. It is about being able to trust yourself and knowing you can handle whatever may come your way. It is going to be a long process, but you can get there.
I had access to every bank and email account of H's and I did need access during our divorce to protect myself financially. However, I still had access when I no longer needed it, and it was destroying my sanity and my relationship with H. No good came out of it. H continued to not be trustworthy because he knew that no matter what he did I wouldn't trust him.
I also thought H owed it to me to prove that he was trustworthy. I now realize that it doesn't work that way. As crazy as it sounds, H needs to relearn how to trust you also. I know he had OW, but he needs to relearn to trust that you trust him. My having access to H's account was making me crazy. It got so bad that I told H to change his codes because I had them, and if are marriage was ever going to have a chance again, I needed to trust him. I don't know if he is truly trustworthy yet, but I know he is cable of being trustworthy. To get there though, I first needed to trust myself. Checking his accounts was like an obsession that I couldn't stop. Once he changed his accounts, the momentum of my obsessing over H's actions stopped. I then was able to concentrate on myself and what I needed to change instead of focusing on H and all of his faults.
I will post more later, but right now I need to get to bed.
Congratulations! Remember life is hard, and it isn't going to get easier. You are doing the right thing by working to save your marriage. If you don't do the work with H, you will just have to do it with whoever you meet next, and they may be worse!
Fortunately there are no nude pictures of OW on H's computer (everything fully clothed and posed - she is such a little prancy thing!) so that's one less thing to boil my blood.
I agree, I need to stop snooping all together and work on my trust issues as well as security. My H told me that he has nothing to gain by leading me on and doing his thing on the side - he really is sincere about working on M full pledge. He keeps telling me how excited he feels about me, something that he admits disappeared the moment I moved in with him over 5 years ago. He is giddy and happy, we both act, look, and feel better since the past weekend.
Thank you for all the advice and encouragement. I will be posting about how things are and hopefully someone else can learn from my story. Please be honest and if you see me slipping (I am too close to the forest to see the trees at times) flag me right away- I don't want to loose what I'm rebuilding.
I have read MF's posts and was very inspired earlier on. I'm sad that the things turned for worse (actually bad) and I'm praying for her. I will be checking out Hope's threads now, I will also invest in books that deal with life after affair.
I am from the MidLife forum. However, I am in a similiar sitch since my H came home last night. He has been away for six months, but he is still living and working with OW.
From what I read, ignore the folder. He is trying to test your relationship right now. See what you two have, instead of don't have. They all do this. One minute say one thing, the next minute retreat into their cave.
Look at the positives. He has come a loong way and it is going to take a looong time to get to that "safe" place right now.
I have to go and read more about your sitch. Frankly, I think a lot of people would love to be in your shoes right now, despite the trust issue. He knows he is screwed up and he will continue to do things like that until he is out of the tunnel, so to speak.
Ignore the OW. Don't even talk about her. Just give him a comforting shoulder and more, if need be , if you feel the time is right. I know how hard it is to not tell him off or confront him, but that will only set him back further.
And, if you still can't control yourself, sit down and right him a letter. Think about it for a while before giving it to him. Then, if you feel that that is an appropriate thing to do, give it to him when you two are getting along. Be there to see his response, assure him that is how you feel, but you do see things getting better and know they will continue. Just let him know by giving him your letter you were trying not to be confrontational and angry at him.
Try reading some Mid Life Crisis posts. This is typical MLC behavior. I think you will find it comforting to see other sitch's.
I will keep checking back with you..THis is a rollercoaster ride so buckle your seat belt. Keep you happy face on and go forth with the positive changes. You might want to drop the R talk for a while. Until you cool down.
REad my sitch..If you get a chance. I have been on a similar ride..
, if you feel the time is right. I know how hard it is to not tell him off or confront him, but that will only set him back further. 
