I'm not sure if your post is for me or for BeingMe (we are both in the similar situation) but I'll take it and file it under the reference for myself. I definitelly have a lot to learn and still to go through before I'll be completely comfortable with the current situation. It's weird how I fluctuate. When I'm around and with my H I feel safe and I feel that I can start to trust him. But the moment he is on his own the trust issue and the confidence that he is really commited to work on the M is fading. He is weird when it comes to e-mails (no affectionate terms or anything, very court and carrying but that's about it), he just started to say ILY when getting off the phone....it's still early in the reconciliation phase and I think he is embarassed to show those feelings when around other people (co -workers). It's almost like he is still leaving himself a window to get out through if our R does not work out.
I'm the same way though I think. I haven't been sharing what's happening with no one but two people and this board. I continue to be rather negative when talking about H with people who know the sitch. So it will take time for both of us.
I've been asking about you all over the place - you were the first one to respond to my original post and look where I"m at now! How have you been? Where have you disappeared to? Missed you! And your input!
okay, back to my original subject line. BTW: not doing that well todya. Questioning if I want to go through with it....so much pain! Can't push the images out of my head...bad memories....crack!
Like yourself Crushed, most of us fear the work. Before you were in survival mode, now your in clean up mode. The fight of survival mode is intense, clean up is just plain work. As most of us know clean-up is a daily thing. We got where we started here because of some work that did not occur. Now we can either work with our spouse and potentially have something worthwhile or give up and clean up the leftovers for the rest of our life (no joy).
Well that's my feeling on the matter right now. That's what I have to tell myself day in and day out. Right now I am in the waiting to come around the bend mode. She hasn't left, probably won't, but is very reluctantly putting any effort into serious personal change. Limbo-land. If only we had survalience cams, I could use some coaching most of the time. A little pep talk once in awhile too. Kind of like on Letterman.
Quote: ....so much pain! Can't push the images out of my head...bad memories....crack!
Hi Crushed,
I can say from the other side. The pain, images and bad memories don't just go away with a D. I still deal with them on a regular basis. Feel I have them behind me only to have them swamp me again.
I encourage you, do the work, I think it will be worth it.
{{{{{{Crushed}}}}}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I know I need to work hard, he knows he needs to work hard. It's been just so....hard?
We had an R talk last night -my fault. On the way home I called my friend who knows about my sitch but did not know that we started to work on M. Her sister went through the same thing as I did, her H also came back to her and a month later dropped her again. I guess that kind of put a damper on my PMA and when I walked into the house it showed.
He just got off the phone with his mother, he asked her about the picture of OW (he told me not to get pissed that he talked to her about it) and she said that when she spoke with me last she still did not see that picture. I told him that was not the point. I did not care if she ever actually got to see it - the point is she knew about her and requested the visual.
But anyway. We talked for about an hour voicing our fears and hang ups, it put uf both in bad mood but I guess it's part of the process. Now the goal is (for me at least) to act AS IF, be upbeat and carefree for the longest time before another R talk happens (if it happens). He took a day off tomorrow (I have errands to run but we will be spending majority of 3 day weekend together) so we'll be doing a lot of DBing. Wish me luck gang!
I have yet to experience the piecing thing, but it sounds like you and H are both doing the best you can. I guess my best advice would be to limit those R talks, unless it's H wanting to open up, for now. You'll get your chance somewhere down the line to make your fears and frustrations with the past known. For now just sit on them and enjoy the moment. This is what you have worked so hard for and everyone here knows how much this process has helped you to grow.
ShawnL
So if you're tired of that same old story, turn some pages. I'll be ready when you are able, to roll with the changes. - REO Speedwagon
It's funny how easy it is to give someone an advise on situation that you're not in - I remember when just couple of weeks ago one of the DBers (BeingMe) was struggling with her piecing and I told her how much I wanted to be in her shoes and how important it was for her to be strong. I told her to go back and re-read the posts when she was a newcomer and was fighting to win her H back. Now I'm at the stage myself and can't seem to take my own advice. That's why I appreciate when you hit me with 2x4 and remind me what needs to be done and that it takes time. So keep on pounding me with 2x4 each and every time I slip. I really don't want to lose this chance because suddenly I"m the one dwelling on the past.
On the piecing note: got to work and e-mailed H asking how he was doing. We've been e-mailing back and forth for a bit teasing and hanging a lot of sexual innuendos in the air but also talking about future that included both of us in it - both happy and working on ourselves.
I have been following your thread...glory, Hallelujah!!! I am SO happy for you!
Once again, don't beat yourself up too much. This fight wouldn't have been winnable if you had thrown in the towel. Instead you have chosen to keep fighting, and now your odds of success are infinitely better.
You DO get it, Crushed. This is NO time to backslide, and because you realize that, you WON'T.
I think it's great that your H is taking a good hard look at himself. I wish my WAW would do the same, but alas, it sure doesn't look that way. See my thread for further details.
And finally: whipped cream, eh? Too much of that could be bad for your cholesterol. Still, not a bad problem to have...
Take care, Crushed, and keep on leaning on us here on the BB. We'll keep drawing inspiration from you as well!!!
Sorry so late to congratulate you...But oh my god...I am soooooo happy that you made it to this point. To think that just a few short weeks ago you were ready to give up! Yes it will be a long road for you in the trust issue, but take it one day at a time and you will be fine. I am so happy for you I cant say it enough!
Still, not a bad problem to have...