Darren, I wish I had done what you did. You have much less of an uphill battle than I because I waited to long. My W found out from someone else.
I to had an affair on my wife, it was the first time I cheated on anyone in my whole life and it made me sick to my stomach the whole time the affair was going on. I put my wife through hell because of my stupidity. you did the right thing.
I severed every tie with the ow. I couldn't tell my just married wife what I did because I to couldn't hurt her. This whole situation destoyed her and I was destroying myself when it was going on. I just a week ago moved back home for the first time in 5 months just as a roommate sitch for now and we are trying to make things work. the fact that I didn't tell her and the fact that I left we the worst mistakes of my life.
I left before she found out because the guilt that I felt was to much for me to bare. thinking back I wish I had never left, I wish I had ended it before we got married and I wish I had been the one tell her.
You are so doing the right thing and you are right it will be an uphill battle, now it is up to you to show her in every way possible that you have severed all ties, with my wife, she will have 100% access to my cell if I get one my bank account everything to ease her mind that I have truely changed and I am not doing anything that she would see as Questionable.
I am very happy to see that you came to your senses before it was to late. I wish I had found this site before I left I would probable be in a much better place as far as things go. There are alot of great people here and alot of help if needed.
If you would like the whole story check out my W's posts under NEWCOMERS married_three_months.
Yes three months
Hope all goes well please don't hesitate to ask me anything, I will help if I can. Good Luck you are in a good place.
Yay Darren, way to go. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!!!!! I know it will be hard to let go of the excitement of the ow, but I bet you will find a lot with your wife if you can get some alone time together. I cant imagine having 3 little ones so close together, you have to be very busy as parents.
I want to second what Trying said about ow. I would guess that she will try all kinds of things to suck you back in. be on guard. DON'T give in. YOU CAN DO THIS!
As for the guilt you feel for hurting ow, give yourself a break. I think it's really important for you to realize that unless she didnt realize you were married, she freely chose to get involved ( encouraged you, maybe???) All of us make choices every day in our lives, and for every choice there is a consequence. If she failed to consider the possiblity/likelihood of her house of cards falling down around her, that is her problem...hopefully she will learn from her mistakes and be a wiser and more honest person the next time around.
Remember, there's a lot of truth in that old adage "it takes 2 to tango"...if she hadnt been so willing to put on her dancing shoes and take to the floor, it couldnt have happened, could it???? so, sure, some of it is your responsiblity, but certainly not all.
Hello all I very much appreciate the positive comments it makes me feel a little guilty since it all stems from doing such a bad thing, but I decided not to beat myself over it anymore and focus on the positive things I have going. Your support for me for ending it helps alot. You are right too that she knew my situation before the A and I never led her to beleive I would end up with her, but that didn't stop her from trying.
It has been a good start I really don't feel guilty about the ow after thinking about things and you helping me see her true colors I have no feelings at all for her anymore and having no contact should be easy. I'm going to get some books and work on myself too if this happened once I want to make sure it doesn't again, so i appreciate your suggestions on what will be helpful reading.
I feel better than I have in months I feel so much more optomistic about everything, the guilt is still there deep inside and it does burn, hopefully it will lessen but having it there will help me be and stay a better man.
M3m you said you wished you would have told her, is it because she found out from someone else? If she didn't know right now would you tell her or hope she never found out? I just can't see anything but disaster coming out of telling her, but I also know it would be disastrous if she found out from someone else. I read in some coloumn where a women told her husband some 20+ years after the A had ended, that she had an A and it ruined what was very good marriage. I guess I just worry that my M would be ruined if she found out from me or someone else so I don't want to risk it. Is that bad of me?
Hey Darren! sounds like you are doing well. i'm not going to tell you much about the telling, because I don't know what to advise you, except to say that I'd be surprised if you W didnt feel something was "different" with you/between the 2 of you.
I'm glad to hear you say that you have no feelings for ow, that will certainly make it easier for you to disconnect. However, I have to warn you, from my experience, she will most likely do all kinds of weird things to keep you in her orbit...playing on your feelings of guilt, especially. So, be careful, be ready, be firm.
Hey Darren! sounds like you are doing well. i'm not going to tell you much about the telling, because I don't know what to advise you, except to say that I'd be surprised if you W didnt feel something was "different" with you/between the 2 of you.
I'm glad to hear you say that you have no feelings for ow, that will certainly make it easier for you to disconnect. However, I have to warn you, from my experience, she will most likely do all kinds of weird things to keep you in her orbit...playing on your feelings of guilt, especially. So, be careful, be ready, be firm.
Hey Darren! sounds like you are doing well. i'm not going to tell you much about the telling, because I don't know what to advise you, except to say that I'd be surprised if you W didnt feel something was "different" with you/between the 2 of you.
I'm glad to hear you say that you have no feelings for ow, that will certainly make it easier for you to disconnect. However, I have to warn you, from my experience, she will most likely do all kinds of weird things to keep you in her orbit...playing on your feelings of guilt, especially. So, be careful, be ready, be firm.
no, I don't think that it is terrible but the question is can you live with the fact that this has happened and you are the only one for the rest of your life that will know this. I ask because I couldn't, so I lift instead. this was the wrong move entirely. What do you think prompted this wamon after 20 years to tell her husband? It was guilt if you ask me. the reason why there marriage became a shamble was probably because he may have felt that they were living a lie for the past 20 years. she may not have thought that but you really have to see through the eyes of the one who would be hurt. better you say something before someone else says it for you. this is right from the heart trust me. it may make things worse in the beginning but if things go well you will feel better that there are no secrets and she knows that you did hurt her but you were truthful when it really mattered. It's your choice, looking back now I know I would have told my wife everything.
Hope everything is still going good for you. I think m3mH is right coming from you it will be better. But you do what you feel is right. If you think that it will never come out then I pray you are right. Work on you and becoming the person you want to be.
Darren, I going to jump in here. I am M3MH wife- Brandon and I kind of have an agreement to not to read each other posts- But I fell on to your thread because your title caught my eye. So, Brandon please do feel like I am stepping on your toes here- I really do mean too- First of all thank you for posting- Your first couple of post really helped me- B told has told me many of the some things that you said in your post, and I have had a really hard time believing it- Hearing it from someone else in a similar sitch helps. Second, B has said to many times that he has tired to break it off with many times with OW- but she would not let him- again I have a hard believing this- so my point is YOU HAVE TO BE FIRM and strong- Cut the tries and not matter what suck to it- This is going to be harder then you think- My take on why B wishes he had told me is because we could have started fixing our R quicker- because as soon as I found out about OW she was not as important to him - But to tell you the truth I wish he would have not told me, I wish he would have been strong enough to end it and start fixing our R- I knew something was not right between us- and I chalked it up to stress, we had so much going on it our lives, that I just kept thinking things will get better once the stress of the wedding is over, once this and that is taken care of. Your wife knows something is not right. So what do I think you should do? Stop your A, read DB, and work really really hard on your marriage- If you think there is any chance of your wife finding out, then it is probably better you tell her. But if you do - YOU MUST SHOW REMORSE- No one told me B was cheating on me, and people knew. People who were at my wedding. No one told me until after he left me. Nice hey. Do what you feel is right!
Hey all things are going well. I haven't had any contact with OW and it has been very easy so far and think it will stay that way. My view of her after coming to this site have totally changed I had trouble ending it before because I didn't want to hurt her and she was a master at pulling on my heart strings and making me feel sorry for her and that I put her in this situation and how much she needed me..... Well she didn't care that I was being hurt by the A as much as "she was" She is still pissed and left me a message that she is mad about the way I ended things via internet and not in person or with a call. Oh well I knew I couldn't hear her crying over the computer so that tactic and other tactics wouldn't work.
W M and kids or going great. The guilt is still there but I'm not worrying about it or focusing on it I hope it lessens? Will it? However I have decided I'm not going to come clean with W I'm not going to put her through that pain to possibly help my torment I don't think it would anyway. I understand that being truthful and having a clean slate could be helpful to our M in the long run but I think it would just leave her with constant doubt about me that she would have to deal with throughout our M. She is the most wonderful women in the world and I just could not bear that she knew I betrayed her.
I guess there is no full proof correct way to handle this other than not getting yourself in this situation in the first place. So, I respect everyones advice and hope it is not taken that the way I'm doing things is because I disagree with the way others have handled it or suggest I do. I fully respect B for having the manhood to tell the truth because that must have been one of the hardest things you ever had to do. It shows me that you really love your W and want to be honest with her and for to have trust and faith in you. I hope she can and that your M is stronger for it.
I'm just moving forward with my W and Fam and making it the best it possibly can be. There is nothing else I can do about the bad things I did other than make sure they don't happen again. That part of my life is over and that person who wasn't me does not exsist anymore. I know it is not as easy as that, but that is the attitude I am taking.
m3m and married_three I guess you try not to be on the same posts but both your input is so helpful I hope you both continue to give me feedback and advice. If there is anything I can provide you or ?'s you want to ask me please do.
Trying and Debcb what section of the bookstore do you find the books you refered too?
