Quote: We are all going through something similar. Was he ever physical? How about before you married? Did he change after the wedding?
Annette
Yes, he was physical before we got married. We had an amazing sex several times a day. He would not let me get dressed - that is how much we enjoyed each other. I would never ever even imagine that he would stop wanting me after we get married...
You definitely aren't alone. I'm 37 my H is 43...and what you've described, minus the affair (although I'll admit I've been very tempted) arguments & abuse is our life to a "T".
What it took for me to get through to my H that I was serious about our situation is this....I had to tell him that we either sought out counseling or we wouldn't have another anniversary. I meant it too. I was willing to back that statement up.
IMO you need to tell him what the consequences will be if this issue is not addressed. The physical abuse is completely unacceptable however and scares me...this type of thing never gets better without help.
Are you willing to stay in this marriage if he doesn't agree to help?
"It just didn't seem right to read such a small snippet of what's going on in your M and then tell you to run for the nearest exit."
Ordinarily I would agree with that. I am very suspicious of anyone who gives sweeping relationship advice based on a tiny, one-sided version of the story (yes, I'm looking at you, Dr. Laura!).
But for physical abuse, I make an exception. No excuses, get out!
Yes, we kind of discuss it. When we were apart, he asked me to stay "faithful" and wait until we get back together... I did - for a year. At least then I thought that long waiting would be compensated once we are married.
Nicegal, no, he has never been married before. He told me he was waiting for the "right" girl.
Wildebube, I understand that you are here to try to save your marriages, and God knows I want you to. I just do not know where else to go for help. I try to be strong, I bury myself in work, but every night when I come home, I see my husband who is very happy with the way things are... And who does not hear me when I try to tell him how unhappy I am.
Greeneyedlass, I applaud you. I wish I had guts to confront me husband they way you did. Maybe that would change something, but right now I think it is not necessary.
Paul, I know this sounds terrible, but I forgave him for being abusive. That happened when I still hoped that oneday our life will change for better. That does not mean that I forgot the pain though...
Physical abuse? Out! Out! Out! Less than five percent of abusers reform and only if they are highly motivated. Just go! Be safe, that is the most important thing. In years down the road, if he got help on his own, maybe...but go. And then work on yourself. Find out what part of you needs to change to attrack a healthy person into your life. Good luck. Be safe
Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless. (Byron Katie)
Well, at first he told me he was either: tired, stressed, sick, not in mood... etc. Then, when I waited for the right moment when he was healthy, rested and cheerful, his answers were: I am not attracted to you, I don't feel like doing it right now, I do not like my body, I do not like your body(!!!), etc. Later, he told me that he did not think that sex was something people need (!!!), that he is not going to EVER have sex with me or anyone else at all, that I should buy a plastic toy and help myself in the bathroom. I could not understand where that attitude was coming from. I kept asking myself "Did he really mean that? Or was he just trying to shut me up by insulting me? What did I do to deserve it? Is there really something wrong with me?"
The way I presented it to him... I tried to be nice and patient in the beginning. I tried to initiate sex in many different ways. When that did not work, I started giving him "hints" that I was unhappy with our sex life by buying a "toy" (yes, I did that) and stopped taking birth control. Since I work out regularly, I felt comfortable with going around nude in my apartment - that did not affect him anyway. When I watched different TV shows about sex problems and ways to improve sex life, I used to turn the volume high enough so he could hear it in another room (I am sure all neighbours could hear it too). When all that did not work, I tried to talk to him. I just refuse to believe that he did not see how bad I felt about our sex life. Yes, we argued and yelled at each other too. I went to sleep on the couch several times, but each time he insisted on me coming back to bed with him, since "it is not normal for spouses to sleep in separate rooms" (!!! And not having sex is normal!!!!).
