I have to say my H's remarks rather p*ssed me off but they didn't hurt my feelings. The fight we had about whether or not I was sexy was almost an intellectual argument. I was basically claiming that I was sexy for reasons a,b and c and therefore he ought to be sexually attracted to me. He was making the counter-argument that since he wasn't sexually attracted to me, I must not be sexy for reasons x,y and z. At that point, I tried to prove that my reality was the objective reality by stating that most men would be attracted to me. So, he claimed that I was wrong and I would have to "take my game up a notch" if I were single and looking. Then he said "Of course, if you did that then I would be attracted to you too and regret that we weren't together anymore.". This remark and the way that he said it made me realize that he really was trying to be honest and not just trying to cut me down. Basically, he believes that the fact that we don't have sex as frequently as I would like is 50% my fault because I don't go to enough trouble to make myself sexy or attractive. He acknowledges that he is also partially to "blame" because of his low drive but claims that he can't do anything about that except take herbal supplements or watch porn so it is up to me to take the initiative in terms of sexiness since I am the one who wants more sex.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think that this is a very interesting idea, that is, using sex as a method of coping much in the way the some people use alcohol. I am not sure if sex inside a commited relationship is harmful. After having sex, I feel all warm and happy and close with my lover, and after drinking I feel yucky and want every one to shut up and get away from me. Sex, relieves tension and alcohol gives me a headache.
I think I asked on another thread just what is considered a sexual addiction? Whacky stuff like spending zillions on sex, or doing dangerous things ( like unprotected sex) aside, just when do you think it crosses the line between healthy and a little scary?
Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless. (Byron Katie)
Quote: If she's a sex addict, then a good percentage of us here on the board are, too.
LOL. This isn't a very good argument con, HD.
I don't think I am a sex addict, but this is based on reading "Choke" by the author of "Fight Club". In this novel, the protagonist joins a Sex Addicts Anon. group in order to find more partners with whom he can indulge his addiction. Besides, I am a reasonably attractive woman, if I really was an addict, I could get a "fix" at the biker bar down the road any night of the week.
BTW: I have better than 20/20 vision. Forget about the nerd glasses. I'm sure the sex addicts group that you join will be able to help you get over your "sexy librarian" fantasy.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
An addict to anything isn't necessarily someone who indulges in their addiction to excess. Some alcoholics only get drunk on weekends and never miss a day of work. An addict is someone who uses the activity in a mindless sort of way in order to avoid the pain or the discomfort of living...
After having been accused by my W of being a sex addict and being required to see a sex therapist, I was intrigued by something he said to me. It was similar to LP's statement.
He asked me if I was using sex (porn, cyber chatting) to avoid pain or if the hopelessness of my SSM had caused me to look for sexual outlets. He assured me that neither was healthy, but the difference was huge in diagnosing sexual addiction. The first was classic addiction, but the second wasn't, although if left unchecked could become addiction, too.
The fact that I had gone for years without seeking outlets indicated to him that I was not a sex addict, although my (then) present behavior was similar to one who was. BTW, I cut off those behaviors cold turkey and have continued until today. (Unless you count this BB as "sex addict behavior".)
The sexual addiction therapy created yet another reason for the problem to be ME for a while longer. It sounds like Mr.JJ is accusing similarly.
I read the website about sexual addiction and was bothered because it describes some of my behavior in terms of "fantasy binges". This only happens about once a year and I while it is fairly encompassing, I haven't acted on any fantasies, spent money, chatted, neglected work, etc. but some of the psychological aspects he described felt familiar. I really hope I'm not a sex addict because I don't think I could tolerate a 12-step program. Crap...I think it would be more dangerous for me to be in a room full of sex addicts than have a couple weeks of where I MB a bit more than normal.
But this is currently at the heart of my solo discussions with the C. What's worrying me is that she said..."your obsession" when talking about something (that I'm keeping private now).
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I just took their series of online tests and I realized that I am not in need of any help but that I probably need to pay attention to it. That's a pretty good site.
I was nerdy, am still pretty nerdy and have an SSM. You do the math. It's not really a question of whether I could "get laid". It's more that I didn't do my homework when it came to marrying right.
Regarding obsession, I know I am a product of my family, where there was too much drinking and a lot of depression. Although I don't drink much, I do obsess over, for example, eating. I also obsess over things that are really nothing. I'm am a master of creating the worst case scenario.
A major aspect of an addiction is that it interferes significantly with one's normal functioning.
Isn't it weird that, now that we live in a society that provides such plenty, we should find so scarce something that has been available, and freely given, throughout human history? * sigh *
