Something clicked in his head recently which made him pursue things in an individual, unilateral way. In his mind (and I emphasize this), he probably felt justified for the stupid moves he's making. I know the feeling. I've had moments too where I feel like asserting my individuality to the detriment of the "us".
If I thought my marriage had some uncertainty in it, and I wasn't 100% into it anymore, I too would pursue the high-paying job. It's a calculated move - "If my marriage falls apart, at least I'm captain big-shot" versus "I'm going to turn down an opportunity to be a big-shot in favor of my sketchy marriage...where, if the marriage falls apart, I'm going to be a 2-time loser". It all comes down to his willingness to fight for the R. I'll be honest...I personally don't have much fight left in me but thankfully we seem to be maintaining enough airspeed to stay aloft. I'm glad a huge opportunity hasn't presented itself to me right now because I would probably take it too. Yes..I'm a f'in bastard too.
He's operating like he's separated / divorced from you. You have a couple options. You can do what my W did years ago and "go silent" but continue to pretend to be the happy W and wait for him to get a clue. Eventually, when his career stabilizes, he will miss the "happy homelife" and start be focused on you guys. My W made life so comfortable for me during the past 9 years, that I didn't really think about leaving her and now I'm completely focused on the R and respecting her etc. Sure it's been a rocky start but we're setting a great example for our D6 now. I guess the other way to handle it is more confrontational. I'm not sure if he would simply retreat into his job or not. He's probably going to do whatever he wants at this point. He probably has a bit of the hyper-focus/compulsiveness problem that I have where he doesn't look at the clock, is 110% engaged on whatever is in front of him at a given time, makes unilateral decisions because "in the moment" with his boss.
Not sure if this helps anything. I'm sorry that things really suck for you right now. You might ought to save the energy you expend here in your posts to confront this issue with your H. Doesn't he read these though?
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I'm going to have to play devil's advocate (Corri's H being the devil).
I know two things about your H. He likes sex and lots of it and he enjoys his job. You would like him to spend more time at home. What specific activities do you imagine him participating in when he is home more? Are these activities that he enjoys or just activities that you enjoy and think he should enjoy more?
I've been thinking more about the issue of intimacy. You made the following statement on my thread:
Sex doesn't lead to intimacy. Intimacy leads to sex.
I don't think this is exactly true. It depends on how you define "intimacy". I think you are defining intimacy as "time and attention given to the relationship". That seems like the logical way to regard it, but it just isn't right. For instance, my baby sister gave me a phone call on my bday. We are both busy people, live at a distance and sometimes we will go for monthes without talking with each other, but anytime we do interact, we instantly fall into a comfortable loving repoire and enjoy the interaction a great deal. I would say the reason this is true is because we are "intimate" with each other.
Sex is an activity that can lend intimacy to a relationship if both people enjoy it and believe that it can. Conversation is an activity that can lend intimacy to a realtionship if both people enjoy it (like me and my sister) and believe that it can. Bowling is an activity that can lend intimacy to a relationship if both people enjoy it and believe that it can.
You see where I'm going with this. I'm a bookworm. My H isn't, therefore my solitary activity of reading does not lend any intimacy to our relationship because my H doesn't even enjoy discussing books. Your H is a bit of a workaholic. This activity does not add any intimacy to your relationship because you are not directly involved in his work and do not take any great interest in it (like you might if you were very materialistic). In both our marriages, sex only adds a limited amount of intimacy because one spouse only takes limited enjoyment in it and doesn't believe that it increases intimacy as much as other activities might.
I guess I'm wondering for both you and me, what are the activities that will increase intimacy in our relationships?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I agree completely with everything you said. In fact, I could have said them myself. I just know that I have the tendency to let the provider function take over. My natural inclination is to be the provider at home and the go-to guy at work. But I’m also well aware that there is big trouble down that path. But since I know that I have this tendency, and since I understand it all too well, I just wanted to try to explain those feelings to Corri. Maybe I was a little too strong; IRL I really do think that I do a pretty good job of balancing - most of the time.
I will turn 50 this year. I am in excellent physical condition, so unless something goes wrong, I figure that I have at least 15 years left on the planet.
15 years is really a short time. I will be spending this year winding my primary business down and bringing up a secondary business to functional levels, but at a far less demanding pace. I will no longer be strapped to the needs of a business 24/7.
Your husband is 56 years old. If he is in excellent health, his anticipated life time is already shorter than mine. If he is aware of his own mortality, I find it odd that he would devote another 5 years of his remaining life to busting his ass for someone else. If he were single, maybe I could understand.
I do plan to work until the day I die, but I plan to do it a lot less hard than I have previously worked.
Maybe your questions to him should be directed toward understanding his need to work so hard, and helping him understand why you think he shouldn't.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I'm sorry for your pain. Your H would certainly benefit from a few lessons in communicating.
I think you're both looking for the same thing, but trying to get it in different ways. Respect is big for you both. He's trying to get it by being the successful executive for you. You're trying to get it through communicating about things important to you.
He will feel respected when you greet him at the door as the sexually-smitten maiden waiting for her big, strong hero. You'll feel respected when he opens his heart to talk to you about his feelings, dreams and desires, and find out about yours.
-------------------------- Quote: The definition of insanity is doing the same behavior repeatedly, yet expecting different results. I don't know about all of you, but my head has had all it can take from banging it against a wall that refuses to budge.
I'm not heading to D-Court, in case any of you might think that. I don't know what to think or do, actually. There isn't much I can do, except take care of me. And the kids. And the dog. And the cat. -----------------------
Welcome to my world. I went from HD to ND. Since you say you're LD, I guess you have a shorter distance to go.
Slept on the couch last night. Fell asleep there reading my book and just got too comfy and warm to get up.
H wakes me up this morning and says that he wants to talk through the 'job' with me. Says ILY and heads on out the door.
Just to clear up some things some of you have alluded to: I am 38 and my H is 56. Because of our age difference, he can be, at times, very patronizing. I had to learn to stand up to that.
H started working full-time at 21. He retired from his job 3 or 4 years ago and was rehired the next day in the exact same job. He's pulling in retirement and salary (this made the most financial sense for him to do, otherwise, he was losing money staying in his job). The plan -- at the time -- was that he would work for another 3 to 5 years, and then call it quits. Between his retirment, what I can earn in my profession, and a job that is far less demanding but certainly rewarding for him, we'd have minimal adjusting to do in terms of standard of living (which is a whole other issue, don't get me started).
In short, we have lots and lots of options open to us. But the plan keeps changing because he keeps changing it. Instead of working less, he is working more. We have two young sons who are also being deprived of his attention. And quite frankly, I am lonely as hell. When we spend time together, we talk about his life. His interests.
JJ, you asked me what I'd like to do with him if he were at home more. I don't know, but I'd sure like to find out.
Do you all realize that H and I are in a position that we could throw a dart at the map and move to any place in the country we wanted? We could open a suntan lotion hut on the beach, and rent out boogie boards to the tourists. We could completely downsize our home and spend our entire summers traveling around the country. My work goes with me. I can do it from anywhere, and with a little cultivating, it could grow into something lucrative. He could even help with it while he does some of his own consulting gigs. With a little bit of thought and planning, we could make money and have fun together as a family.
But see, this is too cooperative. I have always fit into HIS life, and for various and sundry reasons over the years, I have been waiting on him to work with me in creating OUR life. You know, there is that old adage that you spend your health making money, and then you spend your money recovering your health.
Two years ago, I quit my dream job. My own star was rising, but it was in the midst of my marriage collapsing and some real stinky political crap going on where I worked. Right at that time is when all of the promotions were starting with the H. I took a long hard look at my life. If I stayed in my job and fought the good fight and put in 90% of my energy riding my own star, there was a good chance my M wasn't going to make it.
I asked for a D in Oct. 2001. I found Michele's book in April 2002. Between Feb. and April, shitola was really hitting the fan at work. I was afraid of giving up the security of my own job, but someone had to do something or it was all going to fall apart. H and I discussed it and I resigned in May. I walked away, figuring I could freelance if I needed something to keep me busy during the day, feed my creative needs.
In the midst of all that we had made, for the first time, what I thought was a joint-long range plan for ourselves, which was outlined above.
I have not regreted my decision (especially in view of the fact that the atmosphere where I worked only continued to get worse and worse. A few months ago, the managers that were causing all the political bs where I had worked were all fired). Over these two years, I've grown and learned quite a bit about myself. I could not have done that if it weren't for my H.
So maybe I am asking too much of him. Maybe not. Since I don't really know WHAT to do, I'm not going to do anything for now and just see how things unfold.
Corri, I am a workaholic too. For me to feel good about myself I have to get a certain amount and quality work done every day / week or I feel like a partial failure. MY W's opinion is to work just enough to get by and depend on others if she needs help, after all It's the H's job to support the family and my mental state is to do the best and most I can. I am learning to balance my work and my R better.
Nop has a very good idea, considering Mr corri and I are high achivement workers. This is something I have to consider myself. ------------ Maybe your questions to him should be directed toward understanding his need to work so hard, and helping him understand why you think he shouldn't. --------------
Corri: Suddenly I don't feel like such an old fart.
You said:
Quote: Since I don't really know WHAT to do, I'm not going to do anything for now and just see how things unfold.
Now, if I'd said that, you'd praise me for what I am about to praise you: Not doing anything is a decision, too. And, given the circumstances, I don't think it's a bad one. I think it's a good sign that he want to talk through the job with you, even if it's a bit belated. Maybe, if it turns out that, in the "talking through," it starts sounding like a bad choice to both of you, he can go to his boss and say, "Ya know, I've spoken with management, and she said, and I agree with her, that this being the autumn of my years, I should spend it renting boogie boards at the beach instead of on the phone, riding a desk. So, take this job and shove it."
Just be the loving, compassionate ball-buster we all know, and all will be right with the world.
I spent xmas break one year in Florida. I stayed with a friend at her grandparent's house. They lived in an area developed and designed for wealthy retirees. One evening her Grandfather took us out for a drive to see all the Xmas lights in the neighborhoods around him. It was quite a display and we indicated that we were impressed. He said "Yeah. All the old guys around here like me used to be executives. Now that we're retired, the only things we can compete at are golf and xmas light displays.". Maybe this is what your H fears. He won't lose his competitive drive when he retires and he will only have limited arenas in which to express it. For example, he doesn't want to be the "Boogie Board King".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
