Quote: We all grow and change. When we hold our S to their past behavior we limit them to that behavior.
What if we liked our spouse the way they were?
Quote: Really learning to accept the other person as they are (like it or not we married it) is huge.
Are we supposed to accept our spouse AFTER they change to something we don't like? For example, I married my wife because I liked the way she was at the time (HD). But now she is ND which means a complete personality change which is NOTHING like the person I married.
Alas! Life! People do change. Often sex drives change especially as people get older and hormones change.
Did you marry her for just her HD? If so, I am sorry. Certainly there were other qualities too. Perhaps if you appreciate those other qualities, then she will come to the place to be like Mrs. Nop and make love to her husband because she loves him and choses to do so. NOt just because hormones are there. That to me is a much greater love and should be appreciated by the HDH. That is, if they can get together and have sex.
I guess that if we meant your vows till death to you part then we have to figure out how to make it work.
I look at it like "I made this bed and I have to lie in it". And not just survive but be happy. And MANY days that is a choice!
I am a LDW and we do have our issues too. We all do.
I've got a question for you that a friend of mine asked me (who is studying to be a sex therapist). This directly applies to you viewing your wife by her past behavior ok?
You know as well as the rest of us that people do change as time goes by...it's inevitable right? You've changed, I've changed...everyone on this BB has changed in many varying ways. You are who you are right? As someone once said..."you are the sum of your experiences." What if what you are seeing now in your wife's behavior IS who she really is?
I know you say that she was a different person years ago, I accept that...so was I, so that's completely reasonable to me. I've changed though in the last 5-10 years...I'm no longer the same person I was...but this IS me NOW. I'm willing to bet you aren't the same man you were when you two met either.
So...what if, what you are seeing/experiencing truly is who your W is NOW? What then?
My friend brought this up to me about my LDH. No, I don't like the thought that our SL may not improve drastically...but that is a possibility in the realm of things that I must consider. If this is truly who he is, if this is truly a part of his personality then for me I will have to find a way to live with and accept him for the person he is...why? Because I love him...it's that simple. This is truly the only area of our R where things are difficult for us. Do I know how I'll learn to cope if this is the reality of things? No. But I do know that for me, losing him...the man I love and the father of my son is not an option. Is it for you?
Here's something to add on for you to think about. How would you feel if your W came to you and said..."I want the man you used to be back, that's who I fell in love with. If you can't be him then I can't love you". Because in my interpretation of your posts...that's exactly what you've said to us about her, time and time again.....think about it.
I had envisioned you with your flowing cape flying into the sunset with your gal by your side, thanking God whenever Friday came. Don't tell me you've met your Kryptonite?
But seriously, I look forward to hearing of your exploits.
Quote: like some of us, you're probably getting tired of the place CeMar is stuck in...
bingo...but only because I care.
I wish, all the way down to the pit of my soul, that CeMar will find a woman to have a physical affair with. It would even be better if he got caught. A situation like that would torpedo their gridlock overnight and he wouldn't need to muster up the strength to have a serious convo with the W...it would just happen.
Call me an immoral a$$, but If I didn't have the type of progress I had within the last year, I would probably be posting this from my mistress' home instead of mine (where my wonderful naked wife is sleeping after having hot, acrobatic sex with me an hour ago. btw I didn't abondon her...she asked me to clean my office before the trash guys come tomorrow).
Actually, this whole process was a calculated move. I knew my dad was going to die last year and that it was going to be very stressful. They say that a death of a parent, a divorce, and a new job are in the top 5 most stressful things you can experience. My new years resolution for '04 was to.... 1. Get the R back or get out 2. Make my job fun again or get out. 3. Spend more time with my parents. I wanted to lump it all together into 1 nasty, crappy year so that I could simply get it all over with.
The reason I'm telling this story is that I think this might be a good strategy to break the gridlock and grow by using other life events to affect change in other aspects of your life. When a parent dies, you are going to change whether you like it or not. It's like trying to push a heavy box..once it gets moving it's much easier to turn it and manipulate it in other directions.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: The reason I'm telling this story is that I think this might be a good strategy to break the gridlock and grow by using other life events to affect change in other aspects of your life. When a parent dies, you are going to change whether you like it or not. It's like trying to push a heavy box..once it gets moving it's much easier to turn it and manipulate it in other directions.
I think this is true and it doesn't even have to be a conscious decision. I know that my resolve to work on my marriage was in part due to the fact that my father died, I was turning 40 and anticipating an empty nest in 5 years. Times of growth and change will come whether or not you plan for them. I guess I feel like there is still a certain quantity of "kid glue" holding my relationship together. I don't know if I'll feel truly successful unless I can envision my H and I happy together once the kids are gone. Regular sex is just a bare minimum requirement for acheiving that vision.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
My H "accused" me of suddenly wanting him when my dad became ill a few yrs ago. As JJ pointed out, a couple of changes were going on simultaneously which made me feel the void in my marriage. My H was resentful because I acted as though I didn't need him all these yrs, but he chose a wife who would let him do his own thing.
After trying to analyze my feelings, medicate them, even try to escape from them I have realized that this is who I am now and I want the intimacy of a relationship...the safety, sharing, closeness, fun, etc. It's like a wall came down and I was able to feel my needs. Even Gloria Steinem got married. The difficulty was that I was already married and my changes were forcing "us" to change.
You live, you learn and you grow ( although my dad says you don't get older and wiser, you just get older). I could never have anticipated 5 yrs ago that this would be me today. I walked into Border's yesterday and they're promoting a book ( with a book signing next week) called How To Tell A Naked Man What To Do by Candida Royalle, a porn star/director, and I thought " how cool." I told H about it, how sex now just seems to follow me around, and he says "that's because you are obsessed." I told him that one person's obsession is another person's passion. I feel so good about my sexuality now and the intimcay we're creating that his negativity doesn't throw me. I guess I have become more differentiated.
And guess what? It works. Early this am I tell H ( in bed) that I was feeling shaky and we talked about it a little and then ML. It was so nice.
Your needs are your needs no matter where you were before. The only thing you can be certain of is change and you just have to go with it.
