The fact that your h's are questionion what you are doing to me just says they are not ready to give you up, they still care about you are doing and that's a good thing. They are confused...
Just keep trying different things. If you come home from somewhere try, "Hi dear Hey, Where were you yesterday after work? Beat him to the punch. Then he is put in an awkward sitch. May not ask where you were and might have to wonder. If nothing else you are changing the dynamics a little. Just a thought.
Not a good day yesterday. Cell phone bill came. More minutes not less. I didn't DB very well. I knew I needed to get away and cry my eyes out but of course I had the kids. So I thought I will take them to H at work. He had writers club from 4-5 (now he is supposed to share this and do it every other week but he has been doing it every week or that is what he tells me anyway). So I get there about 10 till 5. He is not there. At this point I am freaking out on the inside. I had already left a text and phoned him and he had not responded. So I head home very upset at this point. I even called ow cell and left message for MY H to call me. So he finally calls. Says he did the club but not alot of kids came so they let out early. At this point I don't know what to believe or what to do. so I get home act somewhat normal, feed the kids. I take a 30 minute walk. I cry and walk, cry and walk. I came home to a long hot shower and cried some more. Thought I would be ok. Wasnt. Explained what happened and about call to ow because she will tell him. I asked were you really at school, can I believe you. He said "sure" I dropped it. I was determined to not have this get ugly and turn into a fight or a long drawn out convo. But I did cry more. Do you ever feel so alone? The one person I want doesn't want me. I had a hard time dealing with that last night. He came in at one point when I had called him. I could tell he was mad and looking for a fight. So I just said "sorry I am having a hard time coping here. I dont want to fight." Told him to go take his shower. I know from the point I called him on the way home, he thought we would fight. So I was just as determined to not fight, to prove him wrong. He said that last time we fought. He said he knew the minute I said ---- we would be having a fight later. So, didnt want to go there. Wrote him a letter this morning. Know we are not supposed to, but felt like I needed to. Sometimes he has responded to a letter and it means I can talk and not have a long drawn out convo.
Very confused. Part of me wants out again. Part of me wants to have support and not watch this anymore. I am tired of being alone. The other part of me wants my family to be whole.
AAGGGGGGGGGG. This will be a long weekend. I am going out tomorrow by myself. Will look into gym membership too.
I am sorry about your day...Believe me I know what the cellphone bill does to you...It does it to me everytime too! It is just a painful reminder that H is still having an A with no signs of stopping. You did the right thing by not picking a fight. He was waiting for it, but you were strong...pat yourself on the back for that one.
I also know the feeling of being alone. It sucks and you feel the brunt of the responsibility with the kids. Sometimes I wish that daughter wasnt there, because I feel so burdened by the whole sitch, but I know in the end she will be my savior. There is a song I have posted by my desk at work by Martina McBride called "In My Daughters Eyes" I found it inspiring...Hope you do too...Here goes
In my daughters eyes I am a hero I am strong and wise and I know no fear But the truth is plain to see She was sent to rescue me I see who I wanna be In my daughters eyes
In my daughters eyes everone is equal Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace This miracle God gave to me gives me strength when I am weak I find reason to believe In my daughters eyes
And when she wraps her hand around my finger Oh it puts a smile in my heart Everything becomes a little clearer I realize what life is all about
Its hangin on when your heart has had enough Its giving more when you feel like giving up I've seen the light in my daughters eyes
In my daughters eyes I can see the future A reflection of who I am and what will be Though she'll grow and someday leave Maybe raise a family When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me For there I'll be in my daughters eyes
When I read those lyrics, I immediately hung it up to keep me going each day....Whether you have a son or a daughter, it still applies. Find strenght in your children through all of this...I know you need time alone too, but dig deep and find strenght in them. I know I will be doing that over the next few days too (read my new thread and you'll see why). But we are all here together...
Hi Sherry---sorry about the cell phone...unfortunately we continue to snoop and it only causes us pain. Don't have words of encouragement today, if you read my thread you'll understand why.
Thanks. It must be close to that time of the month because I am on an emotional rollercoaster right now.
H just emailed saying that some people from work are going out afterwards. Don't think ow will be there. I don't think he would flaunt it in front of co-workers. He also sent the original email from his co-worker about the get together. I just replied, have fun. I want to scream NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to go drop the kids off on him while he is there and say it is my turn. I want to drive by and see if he is really there or just lying to go see ow. I certainly don't want to be home when he gets home. But I am also tired of all the responsibility of the kids too. I can't GAL right now. My kids are my life.
I will go out tomorrow for a long time.
I am afraid I am going to say something or do something. I seem to be either mad or very upset today. Almost cried 3 times today at work (not what you want to do with 20 first graders staring at you).
Oh well, enough venting for now. Will post later to let you know how I do this evening.
Okay, so I decide since H is going out for drinks with friends from work, I am not going home to just sit and wait and go CRAZY. I decide to check the movies to see if anything is playing. That would kill time and distract me. Turn off phone and go check out the kiddie selections. Unfortunately we missed them. So we get back in the car and head out. I decide to take kids back to my school and let them play on the playground for awhile. Turn phone back on in car. Two missed calls from H. He wants to know what we are doing for dinner. Asked if I got his earlier email about dinner. (I had emailed him to see if he wanted us to wait on dinner or eat without him--he suggested grabbing something at home and waiting). I said yes I had got it. He wanted to know if I was going home like he suggested. I said no, the kitchen is a mess and I am not cleaning it then cooking to clean it again. (lets back up-- a few nights ago I cooked and asked H if he would clean up--trying to be more assertive and tired of doing everything--he said Yeah, maybe not today though. Well it is still not clean) He said, oh well what are you doing then? I said I haven't thought that far ahead yet. So he suggests us meeting after he finishes (said he wouldn't be that long) to eat somewhere. I said ok.
I am so confused at this point. I just want to scream. I know we are not supposed to understand what is going on.
He acts so normal at times. Then so distant. I really do hate this.
I thought about this day, if this ends, at least I know I have done everything I could possibly do to save our M. He will have to live with the fact that he didn't.
Sorry for rambling, thoughts are everywhere. Right now trying to decide how long I can live with this.
