You are doing better than you think. Have you thought about making a list of positive interactions? I think at the stage we are in we tend to focus more on the negatives than the positives. I think I'm finally starting to make that turn, just a tiny bit...you will get there too! Eventually his R with the ow will get old, it is not based on reality. You and your kids are. Keep the PMA and you are doing a great job on the no R/ow talk. You can still GAL...just give him notice and ask him to watch the kids.
Quote: Unfortunately I think backsliding hurts us big time.
No thinking about it...I have to say it's proven! Have a good night! Unsure
Yes, we all backslide. I have to tell you that my streak of not bringing up OM is over. Brought it up tonight. Supposedly it is over (I'm not betting the house though). Since I have not brought up Mr. Wonderful in such a long time I am sure that the W was much less confrontational about it. Anyway, I did bring it up for me and no it didn't accomplish anything so it is back to DB'ing.
Sherry, Have you ever read Chapmans "Five Love Languages"? If not, I would highly recommend it. You will find some ways to help connect with your husband in that book.
H seems distant. Yesterday he came home early and talked about his day. I was in the kitchen putting up groceries and I jokingly asked if he wanted to cook dinner. (it was throwing some already cooked meat in the microwave and rolls in oven - not too hard!) He said yeah, I can, in a bit. I looked at the clock and said okay it doesnt take to long anyway. (one of our problems, I am a schedule person and he is not). He played with the kids a little. He seemed fine. He went to the back of the house and come out a little later and something was definately wrong. I asked what was wrong, he said nothing. I dropped it. I let him cook. I was working on paying some bills. We started eating and I could tell something was obviously wrong. I just ignored and starting talking about my day. Eventually got him to laugh. After dinner I am cleaning up and finishing bills and he goes off and reads by himself, then gets on the computer while I got the kids ready for bed.
It is driving me crazy wondering what made him change moods so fast. A text message he read????? Another thing that bothered me was he turned a corner to come into a room then when he saw me he turned and went another to the kitchen. I only saw him out of the corner of my eye. I did not look at him so he doesn't know I saw this. This was as he came in to finish dinner and was a major grump.
I am starting to doubt what I am doing. I know not talking R and ow are good. I am not sure he notices my 180s. They are not real obvious ones. In a R talk early on, I asked have you noticed that I haven't.... and he said no but now that you mention it that has been nice. He does not pick up on things and even has said that to me many times. You have to tell what to do, what you want.
He did not email yesterday or today. I hate that. He is there with ow. I know we are to give them distance and time. But I just don't understand how he will think about me during the day when I am not there and ow is. I am so used to emailing him little goofy stuff or when I need to vent about work. It is hard not having that outlet.
Getting frustrated. I know, patience. I just hate not knowing what is going with ow or if I am making any progress.
The LL thing is ironic and funny and sad. We took a course on it at our church years ago. We did it for awhile, but obviously didn't keep it up. I have looked for our books but haven't been able to find them. H's LL is physical touch. How do I do that when it makes him uncomfortable? His other LL is (if I remember correctly) praise. I have done that sporatically. I started in the beginning leaving index cards around the house for him trying to build him up. (the index cards goes back to our dating days. We used to leave index cards on each others cars--goofy I know.) I stopped awhile ago when I was really down and torn about wheter I should let him stay or make him go. Anyway, this week I have started the cards again.
It is just so hard when nothing is reciprocated.
Well at least I made it one week with no fights (which always result from ow or R talk)!!!
Try not to worry too much about H not emailing you, I know it's hard. You will have good days and bad days, it is to be expected. Try to think of something outside your R that makes you happy...go out with your kids, mine always manage to bring a smile to my face!
Quote: I am not sure he notices my 180s. They are not real obvious ones
Have you read the threads on 180's? This might help give you some ideas. They don't necessarily have to be BIG...
Quote: It is just so hard when nothing is reciprocated.
That is why so many people have a hard time with DBing...it's not natural. We want to to feel loved and appreciated. I wouldn't say that the things we do go unnoticed, I feel as if the WAS thinks "it's about time!" or "she should be doing that!" Not appreciative...that hopefully comes with time.
You really need to find a way to GAL...even if it is once a week. Take a class or join a "group." Go for a walk at night. Especially when he is moody...get out of the house or at least go into a different room...avoid him. I have a tendency to ASSume that if he is tired, crabby or quiet that he is pissed off and automatically it is about me....Don't try to figure him out, act happy and if he is being a jerk avoid him.
I agree with Unsure on this one...Its not that they go unnoticed, for some reason, they feel that you should of been doing that stuff all along, somehow justifying their behavior and looking outside the marriage. Dont get frustrated, like I did, it hurt my sitch alot. Keep DBing. Tonight I joined a gym and guess what H had plenty to say about that...Kind words, advice for working out, etc. This is my plan to start GAL...You have to pick something that you would like to do and if it is a 180 than all the better. I didnt have the money to spend, but said I HAVE to GAL somehow. So I did it, and even tho it is only the first day, it feels great to know that H knew I wasnt sitting home. Get out sometime this week ok????
I know all about that feeling down thing. It's okay... keep in mind that there will be a better tomorrow. Okay to get down, just don't stay there long.
Remember, stay with the 180's enough to tell if they work. If not, discard and try another one.
Think of a time that he expects you to be home and then don't be. When he asks be somewhat evasive. For instance you might say "I had to buy something". Let his mind wonder. He certainly does't mind that your mind does gymnastics does he? Just be creative and not so predictable and that might help. I no, not easy but it feels good at least for a little while if you can get them to sit up and take notice.
Hey Sherry--hope you are having a better day today. You are doing great, H is still at home and that means more than you know. Keep making home a happy place for him...eventually he will have to come out of his funk and realize what he has. Have you done anything this week to GAL??
Thanks everyone. Last night was better and today has been better.
No email, though. I think that is what is bothering me. He used to email me all the time and now he hasn't. It makes me sad. I am not obsessing about it. It just hurts. Anyway, I guess I am giving him space. I just find it hard to believe that giving him space will make him think about me, esp with ow there at work. I still don't think he has much face to face contact or for any length of time with her. But ow is there and I am not.
Boy, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this board.
I have tried being evasive about what I do. H won't let me. He keeps questioning, so I usually give in and tell him what I did trying to avoid conflict. Ironic though, I can't question him.
I also don't always come straight home after work with the kids either. Last week, I took the kids to a book store and we sat around and read for awhile. Yesterday we went and picked out Valentine Day's cards for school parties. The problem is I can't do this everyday or stay for any length of time. It interferes with dinner, homework, etc. And, yesterday we got home after H and he asked so where did you go. I have to pick D(4) by 4:45, so he knows if I am home later than 5ish, I went somewhere. Lately I have been doing that, just going to the store, mall, anywhere to kill time so I don't go home and go crazy wondering and waiting for him to get home. Just keeping busy but it is with the kids. On Fridays I have been taking the kids to the video store to pick out videos. He always did that or we did it as a family.
I do plan on going shopping or to the movies this weekend without the kids. I will tell him ahead of time so he can't surprise me like last weekend.
I am also going to look into a gym membership. Just not sure if we can afford it right now.
GAL is still hard, we are new to the area. But will work on it.
I am reminded so much of my sitch when I read yours. H and I did not email each other during the day before all of this started, but we did send silly texts to let each other know that we were thinking of each other. When my sitch started, the texts stopped. During the past 10 months they were on and off again, even yesterday, he texts me all day, today nothing until I ask about dinner plans.
Its funny how you say that OW is at work and you are not there. Before all of this craziness, you had no problem being seperated from H while he was at work and you were at work. But NOW, every minute away from you is a minute that he could be spending with OW. I know that is how I feel. Exspecially since H moved back home and OW found out, she went from not talking to him during the day (they would only use their unlimited night minutes) to knowing that he could no longer talk to her at 1 in the morning to calling him all day at work..God the man is at work. But for me the fact that he is at work makes me crazy because then he is talking to her. I cant put the blame on her, because he calls her too. Where as it used to be me that he called during the day. My H used to call me everyday when he got him from work to check in, that hasnt happened in 10 months. So believe me I know how you feel.
You are doing a good job at trying to remain busy. Keep it up, and I too understand that H is questioning you and you cant question him...It still happens to me...I have to tell him where I was if he asks, but he doesnt have to answer to me. The only solice I can offer you on that on is, they are buttheads right now...
I was worried about the money too to join the gym, but then I said what is $40 in the grand scheme of things, so I did it. think about it, ok
