I guess that is where I am at. I ask him to leave when I am very emotional or very angry. Usually afterwards I am glad that he doesn't. These last few days have been a little different though. I can't seem to let go. I am angry or very sad. I seem to be moving towards forcing the issue with H and OW. My hold up is of course the kids and how I will handle it. I am a teacher and am not sure how I will cope once H goes. My plan was to wait until spring break and see where we were. If it was the same, then I was going to force the issue and make H choose. I would have a week to not deal with work and maybe pull myself together. Spring break seems like a long way off, too far off. I am also scared if I force and he chooses OW that I will not be able to take him back when the A fizzles. By that point the kids will know, our family and friends will know. Right now no one knows except for one very close friend.
My other issue is ML (if you can call it that, we do the deed but I wouldn't say it is ML). H initiated a few quickies in the beginning but has not recently. I picked up the ball and have initiated most since. That was one of the problems in M. H felt he did not get it enough. So that became one of my 180's. I know when we ML, his heart is not in it. Don't get me wrong, he does enjoy it, he does what men do. But he hardly touches me. I have had doubts whether I should continue. My other fear is that if I stop, he will turn to OW for physical too. But it is the one 180 I have not backslid on. Any advice on this one?
Still trying to sort things out. I appreciate all the advice and support. Sherry
If he's having sex with the OW, he may be putting you at risk for sexually transmitted diseases.
His heart isn't in it means that he's not connecting emotionally when ML? That's because he's emotionally divorced. He's being perfunctory, giving it the old college try, but sex isn't what will bring him back. As a guy, I've found it difficult to engage sexually with other women like I did with my wife. Didn't use to, but then again, I've never been as emotionally connected to someone as I was to my WAW.
He's sitting on the fence because there are things about you he wants, and there are things about the OW that he wants. She's filling some emotional need(s).
Having a date in mind as to when you're taking action is a good idea, but his timeline is different than yours. Also, you can't expect an overnight change at the 11th hour. Perhaps it's better to set little goals in the interim.
"After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring is a good work that delves into both how you and he feel, and what is needed from the two of you to reconcile. But it takes two to reconcile, you know. So set goals in that direction: cutting off contact with the OW, enter marriage counseling; start discussing problems. "Her Needs His Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. may provide some insight. According to that book, men typically need:
Sexual Fulfillment Primarily He Needs Her To Engage In Recreational Companionship He Needs Her To Be Good Looking He Needs Peace And Quiet He Needs Her To Be Proud Of Him
Remember not to get enraged, accusative, defensive, offensive, nasty or off-topic. Don't be pleading, begging, crying in front of him. Get counseling yourself if he won't go. Share how you feel with your girlfriends, they can be your support.
H says what you say about ML. He is conflicted there too. But, my concern in that area is in him going back to OW for that need. I don't want that. That is one area which H has stopped. He just talks to OW. Obviously the emotional attachment is still there. Last night we had a R talk that started out good but went on too long and H got angry. I said something I shouldn't have this morning too. So.... not a good night or morning. The weird thing is when I am there having the R talk and it goes bad, I can't seem to stop. I know in my head that I am pushing H away, but my heart is so hurt it wants answers and resolutions. I want it now. Why can't my head and heart agree? H even says the things the book say. "It will take time. I have spent time building up resentment and you havent given me what I needed. It will take time for me to believe the opposite." One good thing did come out of the talk last night. He did say that he has had a few serious (his words, not mine) doubts about this R with OW. He would not give me any details at all, that is all he would say. Still not willing to end it though. So, I am slowly coming out of my slump. I am going to hang onto those words to help me. Also, on Tuesday evening when I was really down, he did try and comfort me. He hugged me and rubbed my shoulders, offered to fix me something to eat and asked if I needed anything. So with those two things I am plowing on ahead, my goals are
NO R talk NO OW talk or questions GAL time Be happy and positive at home (maybe aim for at least a week - 4 days is the longest I have gone without backsliding) continue 180s that I am doing look into therapy BE PATIENT (hard one) I want it now
Your head and heart will never agree. Your head will be the one moving you forward and giving you all the reasons to do so. Your heart will drag from behind, citing all the emotional reasons not to. Your heart will have you make decisions based on the way you feel. That can go against most every time. The way you feel at any one moment can change, so decisions based on that would be an error. Your H has been making decisions based on his feelings, and you can see the results of that.
You can't seem to stop when you know you're approaching the danger zone and about to do something that will set you back? You can stop. You wanted to vent, though. Vent in private. Say to yourself, when you feel like venting at an inappropriate time, "Yes, I feel terrible, angry, and want to vent. I'll vent later." and set aside some time later to explore your feelings. Count to ten. Walk away. Think if this will work for you or against you. When you vent in front of your spouse, it feels good, but it does damage, and convinces your spouse that his decision is right. The OW isn't venting at him, you see. If you slip up and vent to his face, thank him for listening to you and for letting you vent, but don't make it a habit. Though it feels like a release, its effects are temporary and fleeting on you, not him, and sooner or later you'll want to vent again. Set aside a time every morning or evening, perhaps 30 minutes, where you can write a letter about how you feel to him, a letter that you will NEVER have him read or know about. It will help you release your pent up frustrations.
Hi Sherry, thanks for visiting my thread. You are in a tough situation and you know by reading my thread that we do hav a lot of similarities. My H is not physically involved so the STD thing is not a factor. I would be careful about if you think he may still be doing that with OW.
This is not an easy decision, I questioned wheter setting a time limit was good DBing. I did set a limit....I am not saying that if we aren't "happy" that I'm done but at that point I am definitely going to re-evaluate where we are and decide from that point what I want.
The problem is this, and Michelle states it clearly in her books....DBing is against human nature....our H's are being Aholes and we are supposed to act happy???? But it makes sense, I've read the same type of stuff in 3 or 4 other books...the other books just don't give the techniques.
What I really want to do is tell my H that he is a f'in ahole and he is being completely self-absorbed, childish, selfish, disrespectful and sometimes down right mean...but the question is this: WILL THAT BRING ME CLOSER OR FURTHER FROM MY GOAL?
My H said the same thing about give it time...it took 7.5 yrs it is not going to go away instantly.
You are here because you believe in your M. When you wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, look yourself in the eye and say "I will make it no matter what." And you will...whatever way your R goes you will have to live with yourself, and you should love yourself. Make changes in you, for you and your kids.
I agree with you I want to yell all those things at my H too. But, I also know it would not do any good. I have actually called him a few choice words in last 2 months and it only made him angry. Your right this is against our nature. I guess that is why I keep fighting it. I am still not sure how long I can or will keep this up. I keep replaying what he said " I have had some serious doubts about my R with OW" Still don't understand why H won't end it though. But I also know if I keep attacking him (his words) and getting all emotional it will not bring him back to me. He pretty much said that. You want me to come back to THIS. Working on my PMA. Have a GAL Friday night. I am excited about that. It has been a long time. In-laws are also visiting this weekend and they do not know, so that should be fun. Thanks for the advice, it is what I needed to hear. Sherry
Hi Russ, Good to hear from you again. How are things with you?
Yeah, I am slowly realizing I have to take care of myself and the kids. My focus has been on H and everything else has faded into the background. I am going to stay for now. Like I said before that changes from day to day. But for now I am hanging onto H's words and reassurance and am going to try and be strong and definately build up my PMA.
Any change in your sitch? Keep Dbing and keep up your PMA, Sherry
No, have the kids more which is good. I eat and play with them. but reminds me of what I think a family should be. WAW very mad I called OM. She does not think he was that because we were separated....
Kids are great and number 1 in my life, all else can wait.
I will miss doing family things but it is for the best.
Hang in there. If you focus on you and the kids, WAW may notice. She will get over her anger. Have patience. I tried to call OW in the beginning and H was furious with me. Fortunately, OW did not answer her phone. Focus on your PMA. I know the feeling of missing doing the family thing. I have started taking the kids more and doing more without H just to keep from going crazy, but I do miss H not being there. It is hard. But we have to think about ourselves and what we need. I am starting to do that. Try staying positive. Do you have a thread? I havent been able to find it. Sherry
if you think he may still be doing that with OW.
