Hi, I am new to this. I have been reading some of the posts on the backsliding in this forum. I can relate to a lot of it. My husband is living at home with me but is still continuing talking to the OW and maintaining an emotional R. I know I am supposed to be positive and act normal. I can do that for a few days. But, after that I backslide. I don't know how to deal with all the emotions. How do I deal with the pain of knowing my H is still talking to the OW and seeing the OW at work. I know doing the same thing isn't working but it is so hard to not talk about my feelings especially with my H. I know he hates it. How do you ignore things that hurt like getting the cell phone bill and realizing all the things you were paranoid about were right on the mark. I also have 2 small children and am pretty much responsible for them on my own. I can't go and do things for myself like the book suggests. I am a teacher and my son goes to my school, so right after work I have him. It is impossible for my husband to get him after work. I take my children and have started doing things without my H. Is this what I am supposed to do? I worry that I am just giving him the time he wants to talk to the OW. I am very confused. I have good days where I think I can do this and horrible days where I just want it to end. I want my H gone so I can move on. Sometimes the pain is just too much. SherryL
Are you separated? Could you? That is what has happened to me. we are writing out a time table for the kids to be at each home. Then you can have some you time. Try to stay positive, and strong for the kids.
what are all your details? Married how long? and more. It helps, you are not alone, I have a WAW 5 months now, she does not love me..
Got to go, write some stuff, I'm taking the kids B6,G4 swimming. Back 6ish pacific time. I will look for updates.
Dont worry as I responded to you on my thread, these are all of the things that I go through everyday. The backsliding, acting as if...I often think if I start doing things with our Daughter without him it just gives him the time to talk on the phone too....It hurts. My H who had stopped hiding the cellphone bill for months even tho they were damaging, has since taken up hiding it and paying it himself. He thinks I dont know, but I do. He is paying it with our joint account...Duh!
I usually last about 2 weeks before I backslide. IT sucks because you know that it is not right, but you want to shake your H and tell him what the F? When I read your post I am reminded of myself and all of the emotions that not only I go through but everyone else here go through. They are normal and you need time to process your feelings. With H living with you it doesnt allow you the opportunity to breakdown without H seeing it...and as we know these breakdowns only hurt the DB effort. When you are feeling sad and confused, etc come here. Post 50x if you have to...That is what I try to do. Right now I feel like my sitch has started all over again with my H's impending departure from home. I know I will go through all of the emotions I did the first time and maybe worse. I hate that my H's relationship is thrown in my face. I just got a phone call from H's mom and she wanted to know where he was, he left 15 minutes ago to go over there...She lives 2 minutes away...that is being thrown in my face, he had to call OW first. It really hurts. Sometimes like you I think that I would be better off without H and then I can move on just like you said, but they get to move on without the daily responsibilites of the kids, etc. Where does that leave us. I just know that since my H has been home, I am better, I have less breakdowns and it gives me the opportunity to show H how much I care. But I hate this...Just like you.
Have you and H talked about seperating? How long have you been married?
Russ, No, we are not separated. Today, no I don't won't to be separated. Now ask me on another day and the answer could be different. I have asked H to leave several times but he has not yet. Right now that is good. I think it is easier to work on DB with him here. But on the other hand, it is hard not to show emotion or react to things with him here, which always sets things back. I seem to take steps forward, then slide back a few paces by saying or doing something I know I shouldn't. My heart just doesn't always agree with my head.
We have been married 12 years. We have two kids (B9, G4). H is involved with OW. H has stopped the physical part but still very emotionally attached. H is very conflicted about what he wants. I think H is scared to stay in the marriage. He says he cant see things ever changing. I think he is also scared about leaving. He says I have planted enough seeds of doubt about it working out with OW that he is also afaid to take that leap of faith, too.
At this point I am very unsure about what to do. I am trying the 180 in certain areas. The hard part is shutting off my emotions and not letting H see me upset. I am starting to do things on my own. Like I said, it is hard with the kids though. I guess now I am taking baby steps. Some days are hard, though. Some days I just want to give up and move on.
What about you? Are you DB on you WAW? Anything working?
Sun, We have been married 12 years. How about you, how long have you been married? Yes we have talked about separating. Last weekend was really bad. I had a very difficult time. I was anxious and was worrying all the time about the sitch (what he was doing, was H calling OW, meeting OW). I told H I could not continue to live like this. It was killing me on the inside. I was worried about my health. I wasn't sleeping well, waking up to see if he was still in bed or sneaking out to call OW (which I have caught him doing). I was short with the kids (which just kills me- that is not the type of person I am). So I told him he had to choose. I needed to move on. It was ugly and lasted a long time. When I brought up how and what we would tell the kids, he got very angry. I got angry back and said, they are part of this if you leave. We have to think about how we will handle it even if you don't want to think about it. Then he said he was not leaving. I was so confused, I wanted to scream. I asked when I finally calmed down for a 2nd chance to show him that I could change. H said yes. I later realized, because I have asked several times in letters and finally face to face, if my chance was while he continued the R with OW. He finally said yes that was how it had to be. So, that is where we are at. Him still talking, seeing OW at work. Me trying to DB. Sometimes things seem so normal. Then, H gets mad so easily or gets that look on his face. AAAGGG!!! My H also runs errands and they for some reason take longer than necessary. I know he is calling OW. I sometimes wonder if he thinks I am just plain dumb to not figure some of this out. It is so frustrating. One evening we met to eat out after work so we were in separate cars. Of course I had the kids as uaual. My son had to go to the restroom. My H did not know this he thought we had left already. After we leave the resteraunt, we somehow end up behind H on the street (hmmmm, we left after him right?). When I passed him up because he was driving slow which is unusual for him, he was on the phone. Don't have to guess to who. That really hurt. After having dinner with me, he just had to call OW. Even though all this has happened, I am still glad he is here. I know what you mean about going through all this again and it being worse if H leaves. I have thought about that. I have asked H to leave on more than one ocassion and the discussion last weekend. I knew my emotions would be worse than anything to this point if he left. I hope you can be strong and keep DBing. Keep me posted. Sherry
Just about to go update my own post after I finish here. ya, I try to DB, Tonight was different. WAW had bought a separtation kit from Chapters. And had been filling it in while I had the kids for the weekend. I was planning to do the DB drop and go. She wanted to talk. Had to explan my comment to her friend on Saturday birthday, I was asked by friend where Tammy was? My aswner was I do not know, we don'd talk much any more.....I had a dark cloud over my head all weekend.And comment just came out before I could think. I feel like the tears behind my eyes just want to come forward.
I must be strong to DB!!!! I sometimes do not feel strong.
So cleared the comment thing up, i'm a s***. Went on to supper. She saided to tell me about the breathwork healer she went to on Saturday, she said" Arlene wants to put us back together but she does not want to"
We talked about that, I stayed had supper, said good bye to kids and she hugged me goodbye???? She has not touched me over four months. she has said she does not want to get back together. Was that a mercy hug? Is she just feeling sorry for me.
I booked an appointmnet to see the breAahworks gal for Saturday. All the other theripy I have paid for does not seem to have done much,so WHY NOT.
Sorry to rant on your stich. I will update mine after I talk to my kids before bed.
be strong.Live for you. be happy. That's all I trying to do. At least looks like spring could be here, snow starting to melt. Russ
I am sorry about your sitch. Mine is not too different. Fortunately my wife doesn't throw it in my face and supposedly it is over but she works with OM and I suspect the EA part is still happening. I can relate to the backsliding part. I had a bad weekend my self in this regard. My only advice is to realize that we cannot do the DB'ing to perfection but hopefully do it well enough and consistantly enough to make a difference. Hang in there and keep us updated.
Russ, I completely understand how you feel. Knowing we must be strong and being strong are two different things and very hard. Yesterday I felt good. We had a good day. This morning as I was driving to work, knowing H would be seeing and talking to OW, I felt down again. I sometimes get tired of the emotional rollercoaster I am these days. I know about the tears, too. I had to blink them back this morning also. Last weekend was bad for me but this weekend was better. Just remember everyday we start fresh and you can continue to DB and maybe the next day will be better. Dont worry about ranting on my stich. Feel free to do it anytime. I think that is part of the reason we come to these threads. I know it helps me to know I am not the only feeling what I feel. It helps to reach out to others. Maybe the hug could be a positive thing. A baby step. Look for any signs no matter how small. I live in Texas and we do not have real winters, so your comment on spring coming cheered me up. We are looking at temps getting into the 70's this week. Bye for now. Keep me updated. Sherry
Thanks, She wanted to talk to me this morning as I always call the kids at 7:30 pm. How can I go somewhere where I know I will see OM. I'm not that strong, how will I control myself and not run accross the pool deck and beat his sorry ass....Sorry, control, I am not a violent man. I do want to go and show strength of character, I would like to stare him down... Should I go? What will he do? My WAW wants to keep up with him. But if I was him, it could only be for sex. She does not want more kids, and will not( she said) introduce him to kids. She sound like a teenager,(councelors words), Thanks Have a nice day, Temp here is about 40-42 F. Russ
Hi, Thanks, I never realized how helpful this would be (to talk to others in the same situation) but it really does help. My H doesn't really throw it in my face either. When I backslide I usually bring OW up and that is not a good thing. One thing I am trying to work on.
Do you still live with W? Any kids? Is your W willing to work on your R. My H is not sure what he wants at this point. He is not willing to work on R. I guess it is good that H is at home and I have to keep reminding myself of that when I get frustrated. But, he will not stop talking to OW, says he cant do that.
Sorry about your weekend. If you would like to share, feel free. Mine was actually better than the last few, which were pretty bad. My in-laws who do not know will be coming this weekend which will be hard. None of our families know at this point.
back together but she does not want to"