This is my first time posting on this Board. I have mostly posted on the Newcomers Board and it helped me a lot. I need help from those of you that have had your spouse return.
Her is my sitch so you have the overall picture as I now know it.
My H moved out on 8-24-04. We had been in C and he had been having an affair. He is a military officer and he was having an affair with an enlisted soldier that worked for him. I know now that they were at a conference, he had to much to drink and it happened. It now makes so much sense to me because I kept saying he went to this confernece and came back a different person.
The Affair continued for quite sometime until he eventually told me about it. When he did he said he wanted to work things out. Well we tried that and he began the affair again. It was like an obssession. I have seen the phone bills. They would call each other 35 times a day.
Anyways, he moved out on 8-24-04. I was devastated. We have been together for 15years and have two beautiful children S7, D3. I had a really hard time at first. This site and the support that I got here from all of you really helped get me through all of this. The funny thing is I started to do really well.
I GAL and ejoyed it. I Lost 20 pounds and look great and feel good about myself. He really noticed and kept telling me that he wanted to come home, and that he needed more time. I finally got to the point where I really just didn't care anymore.
I realized from all of this that I have great friends and a great support system and they were all there for me. He had no one and I thought how sad. I was really starting to do good on my own, actually, I was doing better. I was accomplishing more, I was taking care of me. I was enjoying myself and my children. I had made a New Years Resolution to my self that I was getting of the emotional roller coaster and that it was time to move on.
Everything came to head on New Years Eve and he ended up telling me everything, including that they had been living together and that he had been trying to come home but he was waiting for her to leave for a school, so that she would be gone. For some reason I said. Well if you want to be with me, you have to tell her that tonight in front of me and face whatever the consequences are, no more lying. I really expected him to say no, but he didnt. He said we will go out there together and tell her right now. I want to come home and I don't care if she takes my job. So we did. She has been sort of fatal attractionish since.
That was totally not the outcome I was expecting. He has been home for 20 days now. He is doing really good, seeing a counselor, being very patient and apologetic and attentive. I am not doing so good. I had so prepared to move on and this was so abrupt and I am so confused.
There is so much hurt. The places he took her, the gifts he bought her, the time he spent with her. All of the lying and the secret life, I knew in my heart that I did not want this man back. I didn't know him. The man I married is a loving, attentive, honorable person. Now it appears that person is back and I am very cautious.
How do you get over all of the hurt that is done during that time frame? How do you trust again? How do you feel safe again? I feel so violated, he was the only man I had ever been with and I feel like everything special betweeen us was crushed.
I have so many doubts that I wonder if this is really what I want? Anyways, Thanks for listening, if there is anyone out there with some advice I sure could use it.
If you think about the whole thing, it gets rather enormous. So, try to focus on what you are doing now. Make sure to take time for yourself. Make sure to do some fun stuff together.
It is possible to work through the pain. (My lived with a FF, although has insisted there was no PA, and she turned out to be a nutcase, too, BTW. And I'm 99.9999% sure he's not lieing, since he confessed when he really did have a PA. But anyway...) Just worry about today today. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
Thanks so much for the encouragement. It's so hard you spend so much time doing everything that it takes to save your M and then when you finally get what you want you figure out that it may not be what you want.
I don't know maybe I am just depressed. Part of is I was doing really well on my own and now for some reason I have stopped taking care of me.
What have you stopped doing for you? WHy do you think you have stopped? Is it a case of sliding back into the old life and old roles because you are back with the same person? Do you feel on some level that H won't LIKE the new you and since you just got him back again you don't really want to drive him away? Are you waiting for answers to all of your questions now...maybe waiting for him to voluntarily put these on the table in front of you (I mean MORE thatn what he has told you already)? Are you just waiting period...waiting for him to change his mind, push you away, go running back to OW, waiting for him to beg at your feet, apologize profusely, express his guilt-ridden soul, tell you all of the gory details?
Don't worry...we all feel a lot of that at this point...find ourselves in a similar sitch as you. After all of the hard work of getting to the reconcilliation point...the reconcilliation and afterwards are almost a let-down. I think a lot of us build ourselves up to some kind of grand affair and what actually happens is very quiet and understated. One day they aren't there( literally or figuratively) and the next their shaving cream is on the bathroom sink again or they actually speak to you while you are in the room together. We run on an emotional and dramatic high the whole time we are striving to reach this point...once it happens then what are we to do with all of that emotion and drama that has been driving us? More often then not we reach a new level of fear and a fair amount of anger and resentment. We start looking back over our shoulder again and think " I did x,y, and z...I MADE myself into a new person...and THIS is all I get??"
We forget the basic steps of db'ing (at least i know I did)and end up falling on our faces...we backslide. It's KNOWING that you are doing it and catching yourself that helps you get further along the road. The R doesn't become easier at this point...heck, it still isn't easy a year down the road ...but it is easier to put all of those things you learned back to work quickly. It is easier to pick yourself back up again and it is easier to recognize when you are screwing up. Personally...i don't think the R ever becomes easy...it always remains a work in progress.
For what it is worth...I have wanted to walk a time or two myself. I get so caught up in the memory of all of my repressed anger and I think it isn't worth it anymore. Despite all of the "good" that has come of my R...sometimes it doesn't seem to be enough for me. So perhaps it is some comfort knowing that you aren't alone in your feelings?
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Zoo offers a lot of good advice and good observations here. I would only add that if you need to vent, do it here. I'm anticipating being in your shoes before too long , perhaps, and I think I will probably be going through some of the same. Although there was no affair involved, I still have a sense of betrayal.
Hang in there, and come here to vent, as often as you need.
Thank you so much for the time you took to help me out. My internet was down for a week and I am now just catching up.
I am trying very hard to take it one day at a time. I couldn't ask for more from him, he confessed everything, is extremely understanding and fills all kinds of guilt and anguish.
We are in counseling and that is helping. The hard part for me is that he may lose his job. That opens up a whole new set of anger and resentment in me. I keep thinking we worked so hard to get where we are today and because of your stupid choices it could all be blown away. The kids and I didn't have any choice in all this and yet we will still end up being the ones to suffer.
That is what I meant when I said I am so confused. I had gotten to the point that I was no longer thinking about a reconcilitation. I had found peace and now I am back in all of the turmoil. I am trying to give up on anger and resentment for lent...lol that's definitely a sacrifice!
Our counselor's say that I need to feel those feelings and not repress them. I need to share them and he needs to hear them so that he can see the consequences of his decisions. They said he needs to hear them from me and I need to hear his feelings as well. We are doing a pretty good job of that, it is just so hard.
Sometimes, I just get so tired of holding it all together and being the "strong" one. Well I never asked to be strong, I didn't have a choice. I feel myself starting to withdraw and I am scared. I am scared that maybe I was happier without him, maybe I was better off without him.
Now I am supposed to stand by his side while he tries to save his career (in the military) that I put all of those years into supporting him to get him where he is today and then I will end up supporting him when he loses his job.
It's just not fair!!! I know, I totally sound like a child when I say that. It's just that I need to say that here so I don't say it at home. I am afraid that I am in a funk or a depression or something. Or maybe it's that I am just allowing myself to feel to much. Am I crazy, did I work so hard for all of this and in the process find out it is not what I wanted at all?
Thanks so much for your support it is what help me make it through the days.
These are all perfectly natural feelings. We all go through this. Trust me.
Your C is right. The last thing that you want to do is suppress your anger. It's normal--and healthy!--to feel it. Can you find a good outlet for it? The gym, and old dirty room in the house that needs cleaned? lol
I was angry for months. Griped and b!tched and the whole bit. Then...one day...I just wasn't anymore.
Quote: Sometimes, I just get so tired of holding it all together and being the "strong" one.
I still think this!
It means that you need to take some time just for you. Go to the tanning bed, buy some new clothes, have a girls night... But make sure you take care of yourself, too.
Quote: It's just not fair!!! I know, I totally sound like a child when I say that. It's just that I need to say that here so I don't say it at home. I am afraid that I am in a funk or a depression or something. Or maybe it's that I am just allowing myself to feel to much. Am I crazy, did I work so hard for all of this and in the process find out it is not what I wanted at all?
We all think this. After all, our spouses are still a mess.
So maybe the current dynamic isn't what you'd hoped for. Hang in there, one day at a time... Remember, it's possible you will feel completely different in 24 hours. I know I often felt radically different just throughout the day. (Still do, sometimes. )
And make sure you do some fun stuff together!! Build new, happy memories. It's a good way to get through this period.
Thanks. Don't you ever get tired of feelings so confused? What is scaring me now is that I am starting to feel indifferent. I now he feels me withdrawing, but right now I feel like I just want some space.
Quote: Don't you ever get tired of feelings so confused?
LOL! Yes, I do.
Quote: I now he feels me withdrawing, but right now I feel like I just want some space.
Doesn't this sound familiar? I'm not saying it to be mean--just that this is a good opportunity to understand why your H may have felt the way he did, and why backing off works so well.
I went through a period where I withdrew. I really, really, had to think about things. I had to decide, on my own, that I was staying because I wanted to--not because it's what I was supposed to do, or because I was obligated.
Take some time for yourself. Seriously. When you are ready, you'll be able to open up again. I think all of us who have been in piecing for awhile will tell you that they've felt this way before. And it's just part of the cycle...
I can also tell you it helped me when I stopped pressuring myself to feel "better." Here my H was being incredibly nice and understanding, and I was acting like some selfish, self-centered jerk. I hated the fact that I reminded myself of how he had acted before.
You'll feel better when you feel better.
I can also tell you that, for a couple of weeks, we actually hit a point where we felt like everything was okay. I wasn't thinking of it; he wasn't thinking of it. We had a great Christmas, and we were both really enjoying ourselves and each other again. Unfortunately...we did go back down on the roller coaster. But, my point is, with patience, I was able to get some really good time in with my H.
Not sure how much help this is. But I want you to know that I've been there. That you're saying stuff I've definately been through. I know that was the biggest relief for me--knowing I wans't crazy, and that the things I was going through, others had been through, too.
But anyway...) Just worry about today today. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
...but it is easier to put all of those things you learned back to work quickly. It is easier to pick yourself back up again and it is easier to recognize when you are screwing up. Personally...i don't think the R ever becomes easy...it always remains a work in progress.
