I was thinking, JJ, that this last go-around really made me understand and feel what you have been going through, the assault on your self esteem. I get it now. No one knows what direction the marriage will ultimately take, but you will come out stronger and happier.
Turning 40 is great! I really, really mean that. It's a time to focus on yourself in a positive, constructive way; I feel like a wiser version of my young 20's ( in my 30's I felt at times like I was drowning).
For reference, I did the China Doll thing with exH. It isn't worth it because the cheese always moves. If it isn't your weight it's your outfit, if it isn't your outfit it is your hair etc... It isn't that he wouldn't have sex with me because of it - he just wanted to make sure that I understood that I wasn't worthy of whatever sex we did have. The amount of sex varied widely. Guess what - I really didn't want sex with him much at all. If I had a sexual impulse it was while he was away from the house. I can't see your H when he says these things, can't feel the vibe, read the body language etc... so I'm not sure whether it is verbal abuse, said to try to hurt you or whether it is truly how he feels. I just know that your comments on this bb reveal you as a remarkable lady. You deserve better whether it is from your H or someone else. Stick around here - you never know what might happen.
Well, my H said he's moving out as soon as he gets confirmation about the location of his new job which may be as soon as tomorrow. I just feel sort of numb about the whole thing. I feel like I've been trying so hard to fix things for so long and he's just taking care of the final dismantling overnight. I don't see a damn thing I can do at this point.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
If there is a bright spot in this, maybe it's that if he's not willing to adjust his attitude or behaviors to improve his M, it's better to find out now than later.
quote: ------------- Well, my H said he's moving out as soon as he gets confirmation about the location of his new job which may be as soon as tomorrow. I just feel sort of numb about the whole thing. I feel like I've been trying so hard to fix things for so long and he's just taking care of the final dismantling overnight. I don't see a damn thing I can do at this point -------------
So, who is your husband talking to, and getting advice from?
I know you are using bits and pieces from here, and I think you are doing a good job at filtering what you use. Where is his coming from?
He doesn't seem to have been so decisive in the past. Am I missing something here, Jenny? My flags are at half mast and steadily rising.
Have YOU decided that you are done with the marriage?
Have you two discussed counseling?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thinking of all of the things you are going to have to go through breaks my heart. I know that you have a bunch of sisters who live in the area - I hope that you can talk to them and surround yourself so that you can get the moral and physical support that you are going to need. Of course, you know that you can always come here to unburden yourself to your cyberfriends.
I'll leave with a song lyric that I would like to sing to your H:
"Well you wouldn't know a diamond if you held it in your hand. The things you think are precious I can't understand"
Reeling In The Years by Steely Dan
Take Care,
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
What have you said to him at this stage of the game?
I am not encouraging you to go either way...preserve the M or not..but I am hoping that you have expressed to him that he is making a choice between these options: Be a sexual mate to my partner; and Give up because I don't want to try.
I think it is dreadful that he is choosing what he has. I'm sorry for you and your kids. I wish I was there to take you out tonight.
I read your post and I thought "What the hell. I have nothing to lose." and I went and talked to my H about coming on the BB to look for support for himself. He shut me down immediately saying that there was nothing that was going to change the way he is and he has no interest in sharing "his business" with anyone.
I really don't think my H is a terrible person. I hope I haven't conveyed that when I come here and share my pain. I wish he would get help or help himself but I am finding that there is an obvious limit to the extent that I can push him towards change.
I'm feeling kind of cr*ppy right now. I feel profoundly LD because I'm guilty because my HD is going to end up causing a painful situation for my kids, but I don't know what more I can do if my H's position is that he won't change because he can't change. He actually told me that he is more certain now than he was 9 mos. ago that change is impossible for him.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: but I am hoping that you have expressed to him that he is making a choice between these options: Be a sexual mate to my partner; and Give up because I don't want to try.
His position is- I've tried and I failed because I was trying to be something that I'm not. He also said that it's probably a good thing that he's not HD because if he was he probably would have cheated on me years ago because his heart and his d*ck don't communicate.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
That was a gutsy thing to do, and you know how I feel about that.
I don't think your husband is a terrible guy. I do think he is frustrated at coming to terms with some necessary changes in your relationship.
You have changed, now he must. A hard fact of life.
His real issue is fear. Anyone can change if they decide to. You see all kinds of practical evidence of that on these forums.
Your dissimilar sex drives aggravate your marital issues, it may even be core to your problems, but it is certainly solvable.
Personally, I would rather hear an honest "I am giving up because I want to" out of him than his blaming you or his sex drive for a bad choice.
I am a stickler for facing one's own responsibility. He is avoiding his.
Until he decides to work at the relationship, all you can do is stand firm for your marriage and work on being a good mom to your kids.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
