FF and I can commiserate with each other and LP can give us advice like a big sister with more experience of men and the world. Though I don't think I necessarily have a tendency to attract LD men. Most of my lovers before I was married would fall more into the category of HD boys. I just realized as I typed this that I have never had sex with anyone over the age of 24 besides my H.
Lee, You can borrow my French Maid Costume anytime you want. Just be sure and have it dry cleaned before you return it.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Hmmm...I spent 16 years married to someone who always thought I was fat. If I lost weight, he'd keep harping that I'd probably just gain it back. I never could please him. He even did this after I gave birth to both kids even though I gained less than 25 lbs each pregnancy and lost it quickly. The difference was that he always wanted sex after telling me that I should kill myself because I was so fat. I finally walked out and filed for divorce after getting fed up with his constant verbal abuse.
That is so ugly of him. I read a good book a while back called, The Verbally Abusive Relationship.
I can't remember all of it, but I think the advice from the author would have been for you to stand up very straight, and in the exact tone you would use to talk to an errant three year old ( that is what he is acting like) say. "Don't you ever talk to me that way again". DO NOT EXPLAIN, DO NOT ARGUE, or Justify. Do not commment. Just shut up. If he says, what way? You can something like that is disrepectful and you will not talk to me like that.
The point of the book, is that they do know what they are doing and saying( as you notice, he doesn't talk to you like that in front of others. He IS in control. He does know it is mean.
You would have to read all the book to understand, but the most important thing is that you NOT discuss it with him. If he continues, you can just say.."Stop it!, right now", in your best mother irritated with a toddler acting out in public. No explanation is key.
I don't think I properly conveyed the convo I had with my H. He wasn't trying to be verbally abusive or cruel to me. He was revealing that the very most important thing he needs/wants from a wife is for her to be physically attractive. He also once again confirmed that he has very little need for a wife who is sexual. He told me that he has become and will become a better husband in direct proportion to the care I take with my appearance.Basically, he wants a pretty china doll that he can worship from afar.
I am not divorcing him because he is cruel. I am divorcing him because he has revealed himself to be someone with whom I am hopelessly incompatible. I can not love someone who is so superficial and so lacking in imagination and passion.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I am not divorcing him because he is cruel. I am divorcing him because he has revealed himself to be someone with whom I am hopelessly incompatible. I can not love someone who is so superficial and so lacking in imagination and passion.
Well, I do agree that his comments were very superficial, certainly not the comments of a man who's been M to you for...what almost 20yrs??
But I do think they are cruel as well, something along the lines of when my H says 'I'm not saying this because I'm a horrible person, but because you just don't seem to understand how to do ____(fill in the blank ) and I need to teach you.' (yes, those are exact words)
I think the reason you don't see it as cruel is because you've been able to realize it's not about you, but I do agree that enough is enough, and at some point you have to say that's it. I think it's a matter of drawing that line in the sand. You've done it, many times even, but he doesn't seem to get that it's not enough to apologize, ML a few times, and then he's entitled to go back to his old behavior.
I don't have advice...I could use a bit myself. I do think it's a different dynamic than dealing with a S who's willing to work, or at least willing to admit there's a problem. Yes, your H has given lip service to that, but his actions have shown on several occasions that he's not willing to actually do something.
Not really sure if there was any point to this message... Do keep posting? I for one, would like to see how you wrestle with this.
I do think our H's are rather similar. My H actually said that the reason he needs me to be perfectly groomed in order to want to have sex with me is the same reason he needs to refold the clothing after I've done it "wrong". He truly doesn't believe that there are men with standards so low that they can overlook the fact that their wife is overweight or just went to the gym or put her lipstick on crooked and still want to have sex with her.
He actually had the nerve to tell me that if I wanted any man to have sex with me as much as I wanted, I would really have to "take my game up a notch" in terms of making myself attractive. He was kind of shocked when I told him that I didn't think that was necessary because I knew that I would be happy with a man who wasn't conventionally attractive as long as he was passionate and kind. I also told him that there were plenty of men who would find me attractive just as I am (of course the only evidence I have for this currently is the pervert who groped me at the booksale last week ). Of course, telling him this was pointless because I was just telling him that he needed to doubt his taste or preferences.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I'm a little late getting in on this, but I got called to work on Tuesday evening, spent all night at the office, and didn't even look at a computer again until this morning.
What I want to say is a little more difficult. It seems that every time I’ve responded to you lately, it’s been to tell you that I don’t know what to tell you. True to form, I don’t know what to say this time either. I’m saddened that your M is apparently coming to an end. The end of a M, even the most hellish, is always a difficult thing. I’m sorry that you’re going through that.
The other side of the coin is that I’m happy that you seem to have a clear vision of who you are, what you want, and how to get there from here. I’m certainly in no position to pass judgment on your H or on your R with him, but taking the things you’ve said at face value, it seems pretty untenable. It looks like Mr. Wilson is admitting to being LD, but blaming you for it and steadfastly refusing to even try to address the problem. Telling you that the only way you can ever hope for things to change is by transforming yourself into Barbie is rude, demeaning, and whatever other bad words you like. Incongruous as it may seem to say this on a DB board, if that’s the best he’s got, maybe you should get out.
This is all very difficult for me. As I’ve said before, I’ve become quite attached to some of the people on this BB. I’m a “fixer”; I want to fix my M and I want to see everybody here fix theirs. I don’t want to admit that sometimes they just can’t be fixed. I don’t want to see you throw in the towel. But I very much want to see you happy and fulfilled, personally, emotionally, sexually, and …
Whatever you ultimately decide, stick around. We would miss you terribly.
