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Hi BeingMe - I read your updates with much interest. Your H does exhibit many of the traits that NG did, and sometimes still does. The alien behaviour does take a while to abate. Keep looking at the actions, over a period of time.

This can be the hardest part, the bit where we have to wait and see. Believe me, I was tempted to chuck it all in many times.

Wishing you courage. Slowly

Well, we talked last night. I told him I knew OW was now in Canada, and in a city near the town to which he wants us to move. I was waiting to confirm that before making the decision to stay within the marriage. He still denies knowing that she was there, still denies that they continued their A, says it was a moment of madness, that he now thinks of her as an old friend from long ago. I am not convinced he's telling the truth. I told him that I will need some changes in him too, and wanted to know the reason he wants us to stay together. He told me, the kids, our history, and that he still loves me. I'm still not convinced, but said I would give him one last chance to prove that he can be trusted. We then went to my niece's house where the children were hanging out, and he told them all that we were going to stay together, that he was sorry for putting us through this, and that he still loves me. So, I find myself jumping back into the abyss. I am terrified! But, I will give it time, and see what happens. If he gets the job in the other town, I will consider moving there as it is a beautiful area, and a great place to live. If it doesn't work out, D12 and I can always come back here. I also told him that if I ever caught him out in another lie, that I will not want to speak to him ever again, except to discuss the children. I told him that mentally I had moved on, and was prepared and excited about being single again. Now, I have to rethink my whole life again. I guess, I wasn't quite done yet.

Enough writing - my brain is still in the "huh?" mode. I am feeling quite dizzy with all that's happened. I honestly didn't think we would get back together. I really thought it was over. Totally gob-smacked is what I am.

As much as it kills you I think you have to give things a chance. You know that you are cabable of taking care of yourself. At the end of the day, when all is said and done I think you have to be able to say you did all you could and tried everything. At that point if it doesn't work, you can hold your head high and move on. You didn't come to this site to go half way and then chicken out. Somehow I know your tougher than that.

I plan on watching us both make it through this and come out winning in our sitches. Perhaps it's time to pray and find out what is the Lord's will. Let's humble our hearts, find out his will, then have the strength to do it. I find my mind going back to "Peacegiver" every time I get frustrated with her. The only way we can be guided is if we are prepared to be. Good luck this weekend.

By the way, a positive I see is that since he has told the kids that he is back to stay, I think now he has to step up and perform. This is where the rubber meets the road for him. Now he also has to be responsible to the kids for his actions. I think he won't be able to play it off to them like maybe he has to you. Just my thoughts.

I see your point, Phoenix. I do think him tellin the children and my niece and nephew-in-law was a good thing. It helped me to feel that he means it this time.

I do feel as if he has been confused about his life. I sure have been very confused about us, so I guess it's fair to say that he could feel similar. I just do not like the fact that the OW will be nearby if we move. However, he may have to take this job, so I have little choice.

I guess we'll have to take this one day at a time, and see where it leads us. I will make changes, but he should too.

Thanks for checking in on me. I hope you see some light at the end of the tunnel soon.

I had an epiphany this afternoon! I think I am ready to let go of my obsession over the OW. I know where she is. I even know what she looks like. I know when her husband travels, and where he works. I am one good detective - maybe I should join the police force. Ha! Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I know as much about my enemy as I need to, so I will just keep tabs on her now and then. My H knows what my boundaries are now, and I will not tolerate another betrayal, or being treated with such disrespect - my kids don't deserve being lied to either. I am ready and able to be on my own, and I will put some things in place, so that if it happens again, I will be able to end things quickly and easily. I will now concentrate on being the best me, having fun with my kids and H, and putting OW way at the back of my mind. I will also do a check on H every now and then. If I turn up nothing, then my trust will get stronger, I hope. There are still some things I need to clear up with H before we move forward, and I will do so this weekend - mostly renegotiating our R. So, we will see where the wind blows - this is definitely his last chance - I doubt if I have much more patience.

Other than DR and DB, I got a lot of inspiration from Dr. Phil's website. Here are some links that helped me, if anyone is interested.

http://www.drphil.com/advice/advice.jhtml?contentId=rel_mar_savemarriage.xml&section=Relationships/Sex&subsection=Marriage

http://www.drphil.com/advice/advice.jhtml?contentId=090302_relationships_goodmarriage.xml&section=Relationships/Sex&subsection=Marriage

http://www.drphil.com/advice/advice.jhtml?contentId=2016_cheaters.xml&section=Relationships/Sex&subsection=Infidelity

http://www.drphil.com/advice/advice.jhtml?contentId=rel_infidelity_1075_getpastaffair.xml&section=Relationships/Sex&subsection=Infidelity

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Hi BeingMe - Yes, after a while, the ow does become a bit boring, and I'm sooo glad you are able to let go

Thanks for the links to Dr Phil - very interesting.

Wishing you a fabulous weekend. Slowly

Thanks Slowly. The OW is boring, and I think she was just bored and frustrated with her own M, and thought why not check up what old flame is doing with his life. I always say, leave the past in the past. Pointless revisiting something that is over. Anyway, he did, and he seems to have realised what an awful mistake he made, and says he will work on our M, and try and earn back the trust I lost.

We will see. I am not going to jump in feet first, but take it slowly, and see how things go. I am also trying to learn how to keep my mouth shut about certain things. Also, when I see him getting frustrated, or irritated then I simply leave and go somewhere quiet by myself. Usually, I would jump down his throat for unfairly being irritated with me, etc. etc. In other words, I try not to personalize his moodiness, and try not to engage him when he is in a bad mood.

Ah, so much to learn, so little time, sometimes so frustrating.

On a positive note. My best friend how just found out she had breast cancer, had the lump and some lymph nodes removed, has found out that it is a low grade cancer that had not affected any other nodes, and she won't have to go through chemo after all - "just" the radiation. Hallelujah!!!!!! Prayers do get answered!!!!!

When I think of moving to another city, where I don't know anyone, having to rely on my H for support (emotional and financial), and still have to deal with the fact that I don't trust him completely, I get absolutely terrified. Is he moving us all there just so he could be closer to OW, and make the EA physical (if it hasn't already gone that far - a plane trip from her city is just one hour)? I wonder about this, and try and put it out of my mind, but the thought does scare me. I know I have to give this M one more chance, but I am taking a huge risk moving all that way. I'm just not sure I am doing the right thing. I have prayed about it, and will do so everyday, in the hope that a clearer answer will come to me.

I feel myself holding my emotions at a distance, just in case I have to deal with all the hurt again. He still doesn't seem to be doing the things one would expect of a person who is trying to rebuild lost trust. For example, he is not keen on going into counselling again, and would rather try and work it out by ourselves. He will go, if I want, but that's not the way it works - he must want it too.

Oy! I just don't know what to do. On top of all that, my D12 does not want to move, and I don't blame her. There has been so much upheaval in the last year, and she does not want to leave her school and her friends.

Hi BeingMe - Moving to a new town does sound scary, I can empathise with your concerns, and D12s. Have you been able to have a 'constructive talk' with H about these concerns?

Slowly