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Hi, BeingMe! I wanted to respond to your posts, just finished reading this whole thread and I can feel everything you are going through. I am having many of the same emotions as well. I keep trying to get him to give me something positive and tangible to hold onto, then when he doesn't I talk about separating. I know I feel better when he is not around, not so agitated, KWIM? But I also know that deep down, if all he were to do is start sweeping me off my feet, I would no longer want the separation. I am wondering if it is possible you have convinced yourself this is for the best, and that it is what you truly want, but deep down if you still have dreams of everything working out. The beginning of your posts was January and in 3 short months, you went from being commited to your marriage to getting a divorce, with no significant changes (bad ones) precipitating this.

Here I am trying to convince you to really rethink this, to pray like crazy and to not give up, when I am going through the exact same emotions. It is easy to see someone else's sitch clearly but difficult to detatch from your own and to keep focused on the positive.

Today I am fasting and trying to remember to pray every hour for my husband. I have done this before and ususally see some sort of breakthrough, although not as big as I would like. I only mention this because you mentioned your faith and getting away from it, and I read somewhere that if you are not seeing results from prayer either you haven't been praying long enough or God is answering in a different way than you expected. My Mom recently said to me that I must not be praying for H anymore because I sound so angry and like I no longer care. I denied it but it got me thinking, my prayers about H had become more like little demands, not heartfelt or really praying along God's will.

Sorry to keep rambling but I feel your pain, even though you seem to be trying to be upbeat about your future. It is the same thing I go through everyday. Like if he doesn't do XYZ tonight when he gets home, I am seriously thinking of moving out this weekend (which I told him last night). It is so hard when it feels like they really don't care. Where is my love letter on the counter this morning after our heart-to-heart last night?!! Ha, I knew there wouldn't be one but foolishly hoped anyway.

I know I am in dangerous territory bringing up separation all the time, because soon he will start to get used to the idea as well. I wonder if that is what happened with you? Please pray about it, give it some serious thought and as others have said, try to focus on his actions and not his words or what you are wishing he would say or do. Life is so hard. Marriage is extremely hard, but God wants our marriages to endure.

You are in dangerous territory by bringing up separation all the time, but I know how hard it is not to. I did a couple of times, saying "perhaps we should end it instead of being dead in the water", and H said the other day, that he got thinking that maybe that is a good idea, and it was he who finally said he wants the divorce. However, that was after telling me he had lied about being back in love with me, so I can only assume that the EA has been ongoing and that he lied when he said he realized that it was a passing infatuation. I have since done a little research on the internet about old flames getting back together, and it apparently burns hotter, and longer, and if they marry, has a good chance of surviving. So, I came to the conclusion that I was just fighting a losing battle. That, I had wasted 20 years of my life on a someone who, in the final analysis, didn't think I was worth fighting for.

I move on, and I do admit, I have a lot of bravado, am scared to be on my own, but there are plenty of fish in the sea. Maybe, I'll meet someone who will appreciate me and not be hankering after someone from high school.

I am rambling now, so I will stop.

Quote:

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I move on, and I do admit, I have a lot of bravado, am scared to be on my own, but there are plenty of fish in the sea.

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I know how scary it is to all of a sudden be on your own after so long. When H moved out the first time I kept myself so busy with re-doing the house I was exhausted half the time. But once my routine settled I started feeling better, I was proud of the things I accomplished on my own, the first time I had to change the faucet out I felt like I was on 'this old house' lol! But after a while I realized how good I was doing on my own, actually better. I realized my fear was not being alone - but lonely. And that feeling went away too. Soon I will be on my own again, and I know that I will be o.k., I will re-adjust and be o.k. I know you will too.

What a weird, and maybe wonderful weekend - we will see how it plays out first. Slowly, I think you were possibly right! I will explain .....

My H took me out to dinner on Friday night - we actually had a wonderful time chatting. Then on Saturday we went shopping and he was so patient, even while I was trying on shoes. He hates shopping. We ended up going to a home and garden type store, where my eye caught an ice cream maker on sale. Then H says, "maybe we should get some new pots, and throw our old ones out." I asked him who the pots would go to when we actually separate, and that I would definitely want the ice cream maker. He just smiled and looked at me. As you all know, his behaviour in the months since Bomb 2, has been very bizarre, and puzzling to me, in light of the fact that he was the one who wanted the D.

That night, he asks me if I would want to move to this other town (with D12, of course) where he went for a job interview (he had asked before and I had initially said yes, but then changed my mind). I said I'm not sure, "what if I can't find a job there, and what about my studies?" It's a smallish town. He says, "no problem, he will support me". I enquire, "forever?" (Okay, this is a lot of he said, she said, so bear with me.) He replied, "isn't that what husbands do?" And, I said, "yeah! But, not ex-husbands." To which he replied, "exactly!" My brain was just going "huh"!!!!! And, it's still going "huh"!!!! We still have to talk about things more in-depth about things, and I said to him that I won't go unless I feel absolutely certain about us, and he said that he understands that. HUH!?!? He is really keen on going, and if we were in our R like it was 2 years ago, I wouldn't have thought twice. I am hesitant! I am not sure about him, and his motives! I did ask him on Sunday, why now? And he just said that some things have finally sunk in, like when I gave him the quote from Dr. Phil, "the best gift you can give your children is to love their mother". Who woulda thunk, hey!!!!!

I don't know whether to smile or cry! It's all so overwhelming, and I just feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had so entirely got used to the idea that we were going to D, and had started planning accordingly. I had even stopped praying for my M! Go figure! One never knows what's going on in their brains.

Anyway, I guess we will see what happens, 'eh!

Wao, being me... reading this last post convince me we cant enterely beleive in words they say...!!... What will be your next step...?... what kind of M you wants and accept forgetting all D issue...?!!... How you was acting or what was the reason for your H changing mind??!!....
Good Luck Bridget, and remember Michelle Advice... Not too much hesitation... and maintain 180 and changes...!!
Andrea

No, Andrea, we cannot believe their words, it seems. Their actions speak much louder.

I am not much into reading horoscopes, but thought I would check mine out after reading Sage's on her thread. Here is what mine says today:

We may not all be great artists, designers, writers or musicians but we are all born blessed with creative talent of some kind. The ability to invent is as natural as the ability to think. Sometimes, we put our imagination to use in the wrong way; we think up new things to be afraid of or worried about. Sometimes too, though, we have moments of sheer genius; we suddenly see how to turn an apparent problem into a great advantage. Get ready to be brilliant.

I will concede that I was feeling very afraid today, wondering if I should reconnect - AGAIN - to H, and try and work things out. I had thought I had done what I could, and it was time to move on. I am terrified that this wanting to continue our M, is just a way to get me to move to the new city, hence having his children nearby (D12 will not go without me), and then dumping me - AGAIN. So, not sure what to do. I feel I am going to have to come up with something creative and brilliant, to protect myself, and to test his resolve this time. I am not moving without knowing I can trust him, and that his motives are pure. Sigh! I feel, of course, that it is up to him to make it right, but I know that it takes two to make a successful M, even if it only takes one to get things going again. I guess it's never over until the judge says so, 'eh?! I feel confused, scared, and totally disorientated. Don't know what to do. He has completely turned everything upside down - AGAIN!!!!!

I hope your horocope is right and you find a brilliant solution right now..!... and yes, i had been in your sitch 2 repeated times... twice my h had asked for reconciliation and trying our M to work, and bc his continued crisis and confution, it seems i did the wrong things... accepting him in short time... What advice Michelle about this unexpected tourn around?.. in my case was the same... D was a reality... all process was flowing, and from one day to another, spalsh... i want you, i want my familly, i dont want D... The same of actual situation... on december everything was ok between us, and on january i dont know what to do, i dont feel happy, i want to feel happy i want my familly but i am not happy, blah blah blah...
Yeah, they can turn us so mad and crazy...!!... but stay there Being me... and think, think slowly and a lot what to do...
Andrea

Wow, wasn't that one out of right field. I sure hope he is coming around and being truthful. My hunch says that he might be, but I'm here and your there, it'll have to be your call. Every day we sometimes see the little changes, sometimes however they catch us right out of right field. My prayers are with you as always. Follow the spirit and pray that you will hear his guidance. Show humility and love. For me those two sentence have been my mode of operation. Be strong, it will come.

I don't know, Phoenix. I am so confused. I was ready, willing, and able to move on, and now this. So, I did some digging for info, and found out that the OW and her family are now living in Canada, and possibly in or near the city my H wants us all to move to. I confronted him with this information, and he denied that he knew. I will not believe a word of what he says now, unless I can verify or he can prove it. Too many lies later, and I have learned a huge lesson. However, I will be truthful, not hide stuff that I know, and he can play whatever cards he wants. We will discuss all this tonight. I told him that now is the time to tell the truth, if there ever was a time to do so (and the time for truth is always) - it was now. Because, if I find out differently, I will never wish to speak to him as a friend again. He must then leave, and I will not even consider any kind of R, other than as co-parent and then there will be very little contact, if I can help it. Anyway, that's the sitch as it stands now. I doubt very much whether we can move forward - it seems the nature of his parents, and the bad example they set (both had affairs, and his mother left to live with someone else when H was 12), plus the extremely strong influence of a first-love, is impossible for him to overcome. Even if he has ended the A, I doubt if it will be his last. So be it!

At fast and testimony meeting last Sunday, one of the brethren stood up to give his testimony, and ended with saying how much he loved his wife, and that he looked forward to crossing through the veil, and confirming what he believes, and that is that they loved each other even before coming to earth. It brought tears to my eyes, and that seldom happens. This is how I felt about my H, but it seems I was just a practice run. He has no deep feelings for me, despite our years together. He has seldom even tried to impart to me how special I might be to him, celebrated events with me and made those times special. It's always me, and then I find out how other men have done things that he should've. I put it down to his family life growing up, but I just think he is oblivious to any real feeling unless it's fantasy. Although, who knows, maybe this woman is the one who he was meant to be with, but I can't see how God would bring us together, spend 20 years as a couple, have children, only to then bring him and OW together as it was "meant" to be. I just don't think God works like that, but that is what H initially thought - he said it was like a sign when OW contacted him the first time, because he was so unhappy.

Enough rambling! Must get back to work! Will update tomorrow, what happens tonight.

We know S can justify things any way they want, the bottom line is they know it's wrong and have to paint something over it to make it right. For your sake I would say, do what we have learned here. Do the right things for the right reasons. Then when all is said and done we walk away knowing we did what was right to the best of our abilities.

Hopefully the events that you have related will sink in and H will start to come around. From my perspective let me say this. I have in the last couple of years ran into a few old High School flames. All though it was great to hear how much I had meant to them, I did not see any way that could justify having anything more than a distant friendship with them. I respected both mine and their families and I knew I was a better person than that. No matter how old we get, sometimes we are just selfish. But I see myself as a better person than that. If our spouses can just get over these selfish phases, they should come around. Our challenge is to treat them with love now.

(Regardless of how much you want to kill them now).

My prayers are with you.