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You know, trust is extremely important and once you've been betrayed, it's hard to pick up and move on from that. But, you can not walk forward (into your future) by always looking back and holding on to past hurts. Try finding a book that may help encourage your trust. Give him a chance to earn your trust again. That will only take time and patience.

That's just it though, he doesn't want to earn my trust. If he did, he wouldn't have lied about wanting to commit and being in love with me again. He wants the D, and now, so do I because I don't want to dwell on the past, and just want to move on with my life. What I am keen on seeing, is if he can be trustworthy during our S and keeping his word about what he promised me during that time and then the D too. If he can prove himself during this difficult time, then perhaps I will be able to trust him in marriage too, if that's in our future again. I may have moved on by then, of course. I think I need this separation, to prove to myself and to him, that I can look after myself and our D12. Independent, in other words. I came too much to rely on him - to look after our finances, helping with housework, co-parenting, being a friend and confidente, a lover, and so forth. Even though that is what one should expect from one's H, I still need to know that I can do it alone. So, even if he decides he wants to try and save the M, I am not keen at all, at this stage. Not out of malice, or spite, but because this is my time now.

Not sure if I'm making sense here.

Just doing some journalling .... probably lots of rambling ....

It's been a somewhat emotional weekend. We told D12 the whole situation. She took it quite well, but felt ill this morning and didn't want to go to school. We insisted. my S17 also didn't want to go to school. I insisted. I feel as if my family is just falling apart. I told my H that he had better be happy after all this, because we are all paying a huge price for it. At the moment, he is playing the nice guy routine, but steadfast in his desire for the D. He wants me to turn to him for comfort, and support, but I can't because he has let me down too many times, and too badly this time. He just doesn't understand. I suspect now, that my H is a fool, and a selfish one at that, and that he is emotionally stunted, and has very little, if any, empathy. He does not seem to have any idea how his actions have affected us. He seemed quite relieved that D12 didn't get hysterical. And, that's all that matters to him, that everyone pretends they're okay, so that he can go off and do his thing. I am hopping mad right now, but I will vent here, and not say a thing more to him. It's probably time for him to move into his own room, so that I can start getting used to sleeping alone.

I just need to get over him, and get on with my life. Only I can make myself happy, and I intend to be so again.

I thought I was over the anger part of letting go, but it seems not. I am just so angry and disappointed in my H, and the fact that he could allow things to go this far. I never wanted my children to have a broken family.

I haven't felt this anger in a long time, and thought I was actually feeling more at peace with things until we had to tell our D12 about what's going to happen in her little world. It just broke my heart. She was so brave, and just wanted to know if her dad would still be close by.

I will start looking for another house tonight. I must get my application to college completed. And, I want to register for another course at the local university. Our house needs some fixing up before going on the market, and I want to start packing things to store, so that the house has less clutter. Got lots to do to keep me occupied, but I mustn't forget that D12 needs me now, more than ever.

Hi BeingMe - This is so difficult with children, the poor mites. Its funny you should mention packing. I recall now a couple of months after the bomb, I was slowly de-cluttering, in the back of my mind was the thought that if I did decide to move, I wanted things to be as simple as possible. Let me tell you, it really spooked NG. I never mentioned anything about moving, and he now tells me it was more menacing because I was silent.

Wishing you a peaceful Tuesday. Slowly

Thanks for the response, Slowly! Yeah, I feel the need to just get this over with. I am on the lookout for cardboard packing boxes, and a self-storage unit close to home. I will pack as much stuff away as possible, so it will make it easier to paint the walls and cupboards, tile the floors, and put up the new lights, etc. Less clutter makes the house more open and inviting to potential buyers.

I just hope I can find something suitable close by for the sake of my D12.

I would be interested to know how the packing of the boxes affects H attitude. Maybe it will sink in to him how this is for real. Please keep us posted.

Journalling, although comments are always welcome!

So, another weekend rolls around! I have to go find some boxes, and start the packing this weekend. I hate packing! I hate moving! Phew, that outburst made me feel better!

I am feeling more and more detached from my H. He is still affectionate (to a degree), cuddles at night, even offered to rub my back when it was sore this week, chat a lot, and phones me everyday (in the a.m. to make sure I'm up and after lunch to see how things are). Weird! But, I feel myself moving away from him, emotionally. I have lost a lot of respect for him, and, of course, there's the trust thing. He says there is no-one else (yet, is what he said), but I don't believe him, at all. He says he will get a place close by, to be available for the children, but I don't believe him. His mother said the same thing when she left his father, and ended up moving to another country for 2 years. He has not had very good parental examples, so I don't hold out very much hope of us ever reconciling, and that's fine with me. I just wish he could see that he is repeating the same mistakes his parents made, but I guess he needs to knock his own head before that realization is going to come into it. (Does that make sense?)

I am standing on the brink of single parenthood again, and of just being single again. The thought both scares me and intrigues me at the same time. What things could I do that H didn't enjoy? For instance, I've always wanted to learn to line dance, but H hates country music so never wanted to give it a go. Perhaps I could sign up for some classes. I may meet new people and make new friends. Who knows how exciting the future could be. I also enjoy astronomy so may join the local club. I am thinking of taking a martial art like Karate or Jiu-Jitsu. I got to brown belt in Jiu-Jitsu in my teens then gave it up, but I have since done several Tai-Chi classes which I may start again, but I want something with more action, so Karate may be a good form to try. And, this is one of my goals that I want to pay attention to - meeting new people with similar interests, especially singles since most of my friends now are married (men and women for possible friendships - it'll be a long time before I'll be ready for a romantic R). I am still applying at the local college to get into the personal fitness training certificate. A whole new career! I hope I get in - it will be so exciting! And, I'll be meeting lots of new people.

Anyway, enough of my ranting. Hope you all have positive weekends!

Monday Journalling!

Had a fairly good weekend.

An agent came to look over our house, and will come back later with a price he thinks will be a fair price to ask. Felt a bit sad because I do like the street we live on, but the profit from the house will pay for our enormous debt (from taxes a few years back), plus put a deposit down on a smaller, cheaper house. We will stay in the area for D12's sake.

Went to Toastmasters on Saturday morning, had breakfast with some of the members after, and had a great time chatting. Met a good contact for when I finish studying for my new career - personal fitness trainer. She will have loads of advice, and said we should get together sometime soon.

Went to a housewarming party at one of my H's colleagues house. It was fun! I chatted with everyone, smiled, and invited them all over to our house on Wednesday.

Had a little setback on Saturday. I sort of initiated a R talk because of something my H said. But, I don't care anymore - not trying to win him back. Managed to get my PMA back later. H bought me a new car which I collect on Wednesday. He actually kept his word about that. I hope he does the same for the other promises he made in our pre-separation agreement.

Sunday, I lazed about, chatting to the children, reading, doing some laundry, started preparing a speech for Toastmasters. Didn't go to church, but I will next week.

I am on course today and tomorrow. So, I find I have so much to keep me occupied. I doubt I'll be terribly lonely, once H and I physically separate.

Hope you all had a good weekend.

Not much change in my sitch, and don't expect any until the house is sold. I am excited by the prospect of change, as much as I am frightened by change. But, I'm a pretty strong person, and generally bounce back after adversity. I feel that perhaps this new life is what I need now, and who knows what the future brings, 'eh! I need to prove I can make it on my own - mmmm, sounds like the words to a song or something.

A good friend of mine (the one who has been giving me so much good advice about my marriage) has just been diagnosed with breast cancer, and I am still a little in shock. She goes into the operating theatre next week. Thankfully, the lump is small, and it was caught as early as it's possible to be caught, and the prognosis is good (I am thankful for those awful mammogram machines, and for self breast exams - that's how she discovered the lump). News like this gives one a different perspective on life, indeed. So what if my H has cheated on me, and caused me so much pain. I will step away from it, and move on. Life is just not worth wasting time on wishing for something that you're just not going to get. As Phoenix said, leave it in God's hands. We can only do our best, and choose to do what's right, and if that don't work, then you just end it and move on. Hoo boy! I have been so philosophical today.

Today, I get my new car!