Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Back on Track

Thanks for your good advice. I will be taking it very seriously. At this point, I am backing off, emotionally speaking. I am going to give it some serious thought about whether I truly want this M before I do any DB'ing. Yes, I know it's best for the children, and God hates divorce, but the turmoil it has caused in me has really caused me to question whether I want it. I'm just going to take a break, think about things, plan for being on my own, have no expectations from H (although, you mentioned actions, well, he still phones me everyday, talks to me at night, cuddles, kisses hullo and good-bye, makes me something to drink at night in bed, will come with to friends on the Easter weekend, even said he would consider going to a Retrovouille weekend which I never asked him to do, although I don't expect it will happen - could be guilt). He really does confuse me, and maybe he is confused himself. I did tell him he should consider going to a C by himself to try and sort out his feelings.

So, the merry-go-round keeps turning! Oy!

Hi BeingMe - Preserving one's sanity while a spouse is confused must be one of the most difficult thing to do I can completely understand your desire to back off emotionally, and re-group so to speak.

Just some food for thought here - one thing that NG now tells me helped him was the fact that I was consistent. Even though he felt conflicted, the fact that I was not confused helped him anchor himself. Strange, aren't they?

Wishing you a fabulous weekend. Slowly

Sanity? What's that? Ha! Sorry, for the long post, but I am just spewing my thoughts out, trying to work out what I really want, where I want to go, and some goals I want to achieve by summer 2006.

Firstly, I must be honest that I do see that I am far better off than most on this bb. My H is at home (until we sell the house next year), he cares about me ("deeply", he says), wants to be friends, yadda, yadda. I do appreciate that, but I am tired of being treated with disrespect (as Dr Phil says, we teach people how to treat us, and I intend to no longer teach my H to treat me with disrespect and disloyalty, therefore, I have to detach and get on with my life, and go through with the D). It's been 20 years, and he has seldom, if ever, gone out of his way to find out what I want, what my needs are, what makes me tick, sometimes even verbalizes how my interests are disinteresting or downright boring. Well, excuse me if I don't find programming manuals exciting and various other interests he has (but, never ever told him that). He thinks he figures it out, does the wrong thing, even though I have told him over and over again. I have put up with porno addiction, withholding stuff from his childhood (which I totally sympathise with), lying to me, and he continues to lie, have been supportive when he was studying, with career changes, being there when he was travelling with his job, etc. He is blissfully unaware of the negative effect he has had on me, but no more (although I do recognise the good he has done too, but they are looking rather flimsy right now, as I'm sure is natural). Now, he comes up with all kinds of crappy excuses why he's not happy in the M, why he wants it to be over, despite having a family together, and despite his spiritual beliefs. He has forgotten what he said last year, what I said, what went on in the EA, invents all kinds of stuff that he thinks was said and done, forgotten the re-commitment he made (was probably putting on an act there too). Sometimes, I think I'm going nuts. I told him today, that I want everything he says in writing and signed, so that when his brain tells him something else, I can show him what was really said. He actually agreed, although he may change that down the line. I know that I am also responsible for our break-up, and I fully accept it, and will forgive myself for it, as I will forgive my H his part.

No! I am definitely moving on. I am 47 years old, and do not have the luxury of time to still try and work on this R. I am not going to waste my time any longer. I have things I want to do, places I want to see, people I am sure would be interesting to meet. I am registering to do a Personal Trainer certificate, am joining a jogging group, a book club, and a stock market single women's club. I want to spend time with my D12, paint, read, write, study (have to get Gr. 12 biology to do the personal trainer certificate, so am looking forward to that too - I like science). I think now, that my H has held me back when I am eager and so ready to forge ahead with life. We only have this one life to live (unless there is such a thing as reincarncation), so may as well make the most of it.

I do not hold out any hope for a reconciliation with my H, or getting back together down the road, before or after the D. He has lied and deceived me too many times for me ever to be able to trust him again - this last time was the last straw. I will work on getting over this as fast as possible, although not get involved with another man - at least, not for quite some time. I am happy to be on good terms with him, but I will keep my distance. Although, I have no idea how to get him to stop kissing/hugging me hullo and goodbye without hurting his feelings, or getting him to sleep in the spare room so that I can organise mine. We still have sex, and I don't know how to say no, because I enjoy it. But, we have to somehow find a way to separate our lives even though we are living in the same house. We have to demonstrate this by stopping all couple activities. I don't mind family stuff since we will always be a family, even though it's a separated one. I just don't know how to get this implemented.

Anyway, here are my goals:

Organise my bedroom, to maximize the space for study purposes.
Join the clubs mentioned above.
Register for Biology and Personal Trainer certificate.
Spend time with children, especially D12.
Continue going to the gym.
Finish Creative Writing course.
Paint, and write more.
Be friendly with H, but keep emotions distant, and detach from the couplehood.
Still try and be patient.
Learn to hold my tongue, even if I am right.

These goals are probably not that much different to the ones I have expressed before, but it's good to rewrite, and rethink one's goals, and give them a tweak or even change them.

Some more thoughts on my sitch! I have drawn up an informal pre-separation agreement for my H to sign. He keeps changing his mind about things, and forgetting what has been said, even changing our history in many ways, like him saying I pressured him into saying he loves me and committing to the marriage, when I was the one stepping away, saying I wasn't sure anymore. Oy! I must look up my old posts so that I can show him.

I am posting this to show how serious I am about this S, and how much I do not trust my H. He waffles from one decision to another, from one truism to another, and is driving me insane. I never know if he means what he says, so I have already told him that I want what he promises written down, and signed by him, so that he can't come back later and say that he didn't mean it, or doesn't remember promising it. Or whatever. I plan on giving this to him tonight. What do y'all think?

Anyway, here is what the agreement says:

(H and BM signing at bottom will signify their concurrence and promise to honour this agreement)

The following is what H has promised BM:
• Pay for BM’s studies, and any other courses that will enhance her studies, and career choice, until the divorce is final.
• Remain together in the marital home until sold in the summer 2006 (this will save some money that would be spent on separate accommodation and living expenses for H).
• H to support the family until then – BM may have to work half-day while studying full time, from September 2005.
• H to buy a reliable car for BM – his idea (he will be responsible for the payments until BM can afford to take them over).
• Once the house is sold, the profit made will go toward paying for the Scotia Card debt, and what is left will go as down payment on a smaller house for BM and the children to live in. It will be on BM’s name, and she will be responsible for the monthly mortgage payments. All other credit card and revolving credit debts will be H’s responsibility. Other debts, like BM’s Sears Card and gym membership, will be her responsibility.

BM would also like:
• To remain on H’s medical aid until the divorce is final.
• Would prefer the official separation to take place once the house is sold. Or, once it is sold, the separation can be back-dated which should hasten the divorce, if this is what H would prefer, and if this is possible legally.
• To be officially named as partner (or an officer) in the business, XXX, and draw a salary when funds are available. BM would also like to have signing powers on all cheques, and access to the bank account. BM would still bring in business such as websites, etc., and do whatever graphic design or administrative work required of her.
• Once physically separated (both have moved out of the house), BM would like there to be as little disruption for D12 or the D17/S17, so would need to take the bulk of the furniture and other household goods, but would not like H to go without, so would ensure that he takes as much as what is needed to furnish an apartment comfortably.
• For H to have easy access to D12 (once the house is sold), but that there should be certain boundaries, which can be discussed at a later date.
• Both to remain faithful to the marital vows (physically and emotionally) while living in the same house.
• To make this transition as amicable as possible, and that D12 and BM will not be left destitute, and living under difficult circumstances. We are still H’s family, and he has promised that he will not let us down.
• To negotiate maintenance/support for BM and D12 (the twins, Lindsay and Andrew, will be 18 years old in May, so will not require support unless H wishes to continue that while they are studying), and miscellaneous extras for D12, such as camps, school fees, and so forth. Negotiate BM’s share in insurance policies, and any pensions paid out at H's retirement. All other negotiations will be for the final divorce settlement, after one year of separation.

I agree:
Signed:

Hi BM - I'm sorry I lost touch for a while there - did you show it to him? Let us know how things went.

Slowly

Yep! I did give it to him last week. He read it and said he would sign it, but that we would have to change a couple of things. He wasn't sure if I could stay on his medical aid while separated, and he wasn't sure if he could make it for another year, seeing my "long face" everyday after work. I was so shocked! I have been quiet, but not unhappy. In fact, I am so not interested in this M, it's just not funny. Anyway, I think he realised how hurtful his remark was because he did apologise. Later in the week, I suggested we just get this over with, and move on with our lives.

So, the new arrangements are that we will get the house as ready as possible in the next 2 months, get it sold this summer while at the same time buying another, smaller house for myself and the children (on both our names, and he will transfer it to mine, once we make the S official). He will then find an apartment in the area. This way, we can pay off our debts, get me a new car (the van is finished), the kids won't have to move out of their area, and in particular, D12 can stay at her school. I want to make this as easy as possible for her. The twins (S/D17) will be 18 soon, and way more independent, and S17 may even be moving in with a friend.

I was telling H last night, how sad I feel, and how much of a failure I feel. I had withdrawn, and I should've stayed connected to the M before he had the EA. I can make the excuse that he also always withdrew (this was his way of dealing with whatever was bothering him instead of telling me, and then I would feel something was out of whack and have venting sessions, and finally a couple of years ago, I just did the same thing he did, and withdrew completely), and had other things that didn't help, but I should've done something. This is not the sort of example I wanted to set for my children. In a way though, I am relieved it's over. H has not been the easiest person to live with over the years - we had a generally good M, but there were times I wondered why I was with him (guess we all do that from time to time), and maybe I wasn't easy for him. I am looking forward to being on my own, and proving that I don't need anyone else to make me happy. And, perhaps this will be the best thing for him, too. He will still fully support us while I am studying for the next year, and until the D is final, thereafter, he will pay the usual maintenance/support.

I am attracted to him still, but I don't think I love him as I did before. To me, my real H is dead (he wouldn't have lied the way this H did), and this person is not someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. If he wanted to make it work, he's going to have to really get my attention, and falling in love with him again would be the same as falling in love with a stranger.

It's still weird how he still hugs and kisses me hullo and goodbye. Still snuggles at night. Always tells me where he is and what he's doing. Takes me with to work affairs, like his collegue's birthday party on Saturday, and we still ML. I told him things will be far different once we are living apart, and he says that he will always be there for me. I said, that it won't be possible - what if there's someone else in our lives, and anyway, I want to be independent so won't be phoning him to come fix things. And, he said that he would love to do that for us. The man is driving me INSANE!!!!!!! I feel like I'm living in BizarroLand!

Anyway, those are my thoughts, and the general events, and feelings of the last week.

I am truly looking forward to my new life, and am eager and impatient for it now. Well, I'm off to the gym. Had the day off today, and went gallery hopping downtown with D12 and we had lunch with H.

Hi BeingMe - Wow - what an amazingly calm approach to H

Quote:

---

I am attracted to him still, but I don't think I love him as I did before. To me, my real H is dead (he wouldn't have lied the way this H did), and this person is not someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. If he wanted to make it work, he's going to have to really get my attention, and falling in love with him again would be the same as falling in love with a stranger.

---

I've often wondered as the lies persisted, if I'd get to such a point. What was the break for you?

Slowly

The break for me, Slowly, was the final lie. The lie that told me he would pretend anything, even being in love with me, to save him some grief. This is not the man I married - he just wouldn't have done that. People change, I guess, although I never thought people would change their core beliefs so much.

Today is my 19th anniversary, and I have no idea whether I should celebrate or just ignore it. I did send H a silly e-card telling him that it has been a wild ride, and that I wouldn't have wanted it with anyone else. He replied, thanking me for the card and for putting up with him all these years. I actually just feel pretty numb now. I did go pick up my new engagement ring (I never did get one from him) today - I insisted he get me one, so that I can pass it on to one of our daughters. What a laugh!

Well, I had an interesting anniversary. My H came home with a dozen red roses and some cd's, and a card (funny, not romantic, but that's always been the kind of card he gives). I was somewhat taken aback! It's the first time I've ever received red roses from anyone, let alone my H. He's given me red carnations, and other colour roses and various other flowers, but never the romantic, passionate, red roses. I am still flabbergasted, as I write this. Then, to top it off, he took me to dinner.

During dinner, he discussed a possible job in another city (12 hours from here), and I agreed that D12 and I would go with, even though we are getting divorced. I am rethinking that. I don't think it would be a good idea to uproot D12 from her familiar surroundings and friends. But, I'll see if the job even pans out before thinking about it seriously.

I just don't know what to think. I told a friend about it, and she says maybe he doesn't quite understand the reality of the separation and divorce, and perhaps he isn't that serious. Well, I am serious. I am not changing my mind, unless he changes his way of thinking, and I want to see some major making up for all the cr~p he's put me through. But, I'm not even going to entertain the idea or hope that he can pull it off.

Funny, because I was just going to post to you this morning, that I think you are putting too much weight on his WORDS and not enough on his ACTIONS.

I know he SAID he didn't really mean it when he said he loved you - but his actions seem to be saying something else entirely.

Just remember - like the old Art Linkletter show - aliens say the DARNEDEST things.

Ellie