Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Back on Track

You'll know when its time to let go. Its like something in your head snaps and you just know you can't stay with this person anymore. Its hard to explain but I don't have any doubts about my decision. I am sad. I am scared. But I also know I am doing the right thing.

When I first started DBing I constantly questioned, how would I know when to end it. I was afraid I would end it and regret it. I started leaning towards ending it the last 6 months (before OW#2 even showed up). I started seeing more negative than positive and being around my H was starting to irritate me. I no longer felt the drive to fix anything and secretly hoped he would just leave. I knew then that ending it was in my best interest. It took OW#2 showing up at my house for me to call a lawyer. I was getting there and would have reached that point eventually. OW#2 just hurried up the process.

There are a few questions that keep popping up in my head as I listen to you sitch. First, is the feeling of not being in control of the sitch causing you to feel angry which is making you want to through in the towel.

Second, do you feel his changes are genuine or not. Could it be a sitch where he is trying to force you to leave so that he won't have to pay as much support. This would also make you look like the problem, saving face for him. Could it be that his heart is in the right place, but he just doesn't feel overly motivated. Maybe he feels that you want it more than him and therefore can set his own time and effort level.

What is tough for me right now is that I don't see things changing the way/rate I want them to, however, there are positive changes heading in the right direction. It seems right now we are waiting for changes of heart and commitment to these changes. I have decide that I'm not going to jerpordize my future due to lack of patience on my part. If you can still feel love for that man, perhaps you need to show that love in the form of patience.

With that said, may I say that perhaps some of my problem is due to impatience and imposing of expectations on others. Perhaps it is time for both of us to evaluate how much this affects our sitchs, along with how much we need to change. A few months ago Poepad was forcing me to think about what I did wrong in the sitch. Although my W never said I did much wrong, I have come to realize some things like this were present. Even though our spouses usually brought the problem into view, I don't think any of us have the right to "cast the first stone".

Well enough from me. Work on yourself and fix your own problems (that's my mantra these days). Your changes will result in changes from him/her. Have a better day and keep posting.

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I really appreciate all your feedback.

I don't think H is trying to force me to leave. He still values our friendship, at least he says he does. He will support me and our children - if he doesn't, then there are laws that will force him to, but I doubt that he is a deadbeat dad - he adores the children. I just think he is too scared to truly re-commit to our M, and still hankers after the OW. I still think he is hiding stuff from me, and I just don't feel respected, loved and protected within this M.

I am done! I have told him that I want to start the separation process. It's going to be difficult because our lives are so intertwined - our bank accounts are shared, our home, etc. I know I should give him the gift of patience, but I don't know if I love him that much anymore. He has caused me too much pain - not just with the EA, but throughout our M, although we had good times too, but this is the last straw.

He says he is trying, but I don't care anymore. He is not DOING! I just want to get on with my life. To feel free of this burden of mistrust and hurt. I have forgiven him so many things, so many times (although, I do realise I am not perfect, and that I played a part in our marital mess). I just don't have any fight left in me to work on this M. I have given it all, and he says he has too in the past, so this is it, I guess. Unless there is a miracle, but I'm even starting to doubt the validity of a supreme being and the answer to prayers. I feel beaten and a failure. So, I need to re-discover my old self. Get back my confidence, discover my talents, and so on. Back to GAL (thank goodness, I had started implementing this about 2 years ago, before all this garbage hit the fan, so I have somewhat of a foundation to work on). I will make goals that focus on me and my children. So, this next week, I have a lot of thinking to do. And planning. Wish me luck!

I will continue posting here since I get so much out of it, and really love to hear how everyone else is doing. And, I guess I will be piecing my life back together.

Wow, BeingMe...that's quite a twist. I've been on and off the bb and just now cought up with your thread. I'm going to be supportive in what you've decided. I will, however, tell you to take your time. Allow for the off chance of things turning around when it comes to your H. Just as it took him wanting the D to turn around, it might take the same for him. I often laugh (sadly) that if my H L was half the L that I had I would have been Ded for over 2 months now! I'm glad though that it took time because now we are still together. I'm not asking you to drag your feet. Keep a comfortable pace but be open for possibilities. Do give him the benefit of the doubt that you wanted so much. If it doesn't happen - it's better that now it was your choice and it will be on your terms. You went throught what he'll be going through - be gentle but be strong. I'm sorry that it had to come down to that but you're right - you deserve what you need to make you happy. And if he is not the one to give it to you....well...then it was quite a lesson after all.

I think you are right, CNJ! I should take it slowly. I had a complete meltdown this weekend. Couldn't stop crying and was almost hysterical. What H doesn't realise (and I have now told him) is that the things he said about me to the OW, has become the little voice in my head telling me I'm no good, etc., and that I need him to tell me the reverse constantly in order to help overcome the negatives. But, you know, ultimately, I need to shut that little voice up, and tell it to get lost, myself. I am just so emotional now, because he has rejected my advance so many times this last couple of months, that I feel he is hiding things from me. I am becoming paranoid, and I hate myself for it. I have even started questioning my faith, stopped praying, and lost hope. I feel I have fallen into a hole, and no matter how much I express to him my needs, he just ignores them, or says he is trying. I just don't know what to do anymore.

It's probably time - AGAIN - to focus on myself. I don't believe my M is going to survive. I have lost all faith in miracles. He just doesn't get it. Or, maybe I don't. Either way, we seem to be misunderstanding each other, and just not hearing what our needs are. I just cannot take much more of the pain.

We'll see how the next week goes, but I feel like I'm in crisis mode.

Thanks for caring, y'all.

So, it turns out, that my H has been lying - again. He only told me he loved me because he felt pressured. How he could feel that way, I don't know. I hadn't told him I loved him in months. His heart wasn't into saving the M, which is probably why I felt something was not quite right. He has just been coasting along. We will be separating, and I suppose getting a divorce a year later. I am still in shock! Why would anyone lie so much, and then still say they care about you. How can I love a person like this? I feel so much alone, so far from my long-time friends and family. Here I was, moving on with the idea that at least he still loves me, but he just needs to notice me more, or something.

Here I am, once again having to drop the rope. I don't think I will even try and DB this time. I cannot trust this man. He is a liar!

Do you mean that he's been lying about loving you? Or about something else?

Would you tell us more about the exchange? Sometimes writing out the conversation helps a lot to pick out what's really happening.

I'm sensing (ok, ASSuming) that you guys had an R talk where you expressed frustration that he isn't "doing" enough? And, in part, his response was that he's just been going along to get along?

If so, been there, done that. Over the DB'ing time period, whenever I expressed reservation or frustration over things not happening fast enough or "right" enough for me, h's kneejerk reaction was to pull out the D card and withdraw. Is that what's happening here?

Sage

He lied about being in love with me again - last November. He said he had felt pressured to tell me that, even though I had not put any pressure on him at all. In fact, I was leaning toward separating, but he was not. So, I have no idea how his brain is working. I was reacting to a person I thought was in love with me, but now find out that he has lied - again. I am so frustrated! Is this MLC behaviour?

Anyway, we have talked about how we should do this. He will remain in the house until it's ready for selling - needs renovations. He will continue to support me (and the kids, of course) then we will make the separation official, once the house is sold - probably by summer 2006. He will also pay for me to go back to school to upgrade my skills so that I can get a job where I can be more independent of him (my idea).

He is totally weird! Now he wants to ML! Now he wants to kiss me on the lips! He asked me if he could still talk to me about everyday stuff - like his new job! WTF! It has been such an emotional 3 weeks, trying to figure him out, having R talks, upsets, etc. and now this. I gave him a letter explaining where I stand right now, and in it I told him that I am not happy about our ending our 20 year R, and that I won't lock the door, but I will be moving on (he had said that I shouldn't close any doors - ). If he wanted to resume our R, I may or may not be there for him, and he will have to realise that risk.

I am somewhat annoyed because I was ready to move on last year, but now I re-attached myself, and have to drop the rope - again! I am not picking it up again unless he makes some drastic changes, and I don't think he will. I have given up on hoping for anything from him - I have no more expectations.

And so - I will continue to GAL! Work on my goals! Forget him and his weirdness. I have decided, however, that I am going to drive the man even more insane before next summer, when we plan to go for the official separation. I told him that I still expect him to honour his marital vows until the D is final and that, therefore, we can negotiate sexual contact between us. I will flirt! I will be doing stuff that will drive him crazy! I don't know what, but I will find out from somewhere (NOT porno, of course). It will be done with my own creative nature. He will leave this marriage wondering very seriously if he was doing the right thing. Sex is not the only thing that I will use to drive him insane - no, no - there are other things that one can use, I'm sure. I have had it with him playing around with my feelings - he WILL be taught a very serious lesson. And, then I will move on to greener pastures.

I will also keep my sense of humour which has seen me through so much.

Hi BeingMe - What a confusing time, to be sure. The thought that comes to mind is that it may be better to ignore his words and watch his actions. With NG, now that I look back, even while he was spouting endearments to ow, his actions at home screamed commitment to me. Sounds crazy, but I think sometimes they are running away from themselves?

Slowly

I agree with Slowly. Words are one thing, actions are another. Pull out your copy of DR and re-read (heck, I should too!).

I think some times it can just be a relief for someone to get ambivalent feelings out in the open, you know?

I do like the ideas you guys came up with re. finances and the whole school thing. Keep moving forward with goals and see where it takes you.

Sage