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As tough as it might seem, I think you need to stay the course. Although you don't seem to be seeing the actions that you feel you should, things do take time. My question to you would be, "Do you feel these changes are sincere, or are you suspect of them"? Obviously there does seem to be some trust issues. I guess my feeling here is trust is something you owe yourself. In other words trust others as a gift to yourself. Nothing tears a person down more than going around not trusting others. How are you going to live with anyone when there is no trust given or received.

I know you're right, Phoenix! I am trying very hard staying the course. I guess I'm hoping for that grand gesture, that one thing that will make it known to me that he is trustworthy, that he's not hiding anything from me, that he does truly love me, and that he's not going to just leave when things get tough. I go through cycles where I imagine him going to the OW, deserting us - I know it's crazy. He has a chance at a really good job at an international company, and he said to me (by mistake) that they have offices in the UK, and then changed it to the USA. It made me think that he's still planning on going there to meet her. With a better salary, and opportunity to transfer to an office there, what's stopping him, I ask myself. Yeah, I know, the answer is me and the kids!

I have been giving myself pep talks, and I have come to the conclusion that I need to be okay with whatever he decides to do down the line. Initially, when the bomb was dropped, he intended staying until this summer, and although he says now that he's changed his mind and is staying for good, I still wonder. So, I wait for the summer, and my goal is to be okay within myself, no matter what decision he makes about his life. I can and will move on, but I hope I don't have to. I must stop making myself crazy with all these counter-productive thoughts, and pointless R discussions with my H - it will get me nowhere, and it's going to take time for him to 'get it', if he ever does.

Hope you're all having a romantic Valentine's day. I decided to change my personal Valentine's day to Feb. 16. Heheheehe!

Hi there - Wow - we seem to be in exactly the same spot with trust - I'm having a really hard time with it too

It is one thing to understand intellectually that this is a gift to ourselves, but quite another to deal with the rampant fear of being hurt again ... I understand your sentiments

Slowly

Heya,

The hardest thing to do is let go of your fear and doubt...

But once you do you will have a feeling of freedom and strength that will help you acomplish anything you set your mind to.

Remember NO Expectations of your SO - It is a Cheeseless Tunnel of pain, hurt and sadness.


Only Expect YOU to be and do your best and work at that.


I now live with the motto - You Get what you Give -

If You give fear you get fear.

IF You give love you get love.

GIVE what you want to GET - Speak your SO Love Language and fill up their love bank.


Let yourself have Paitience and Faith...

You can do it,

Gerry

Thanks Slowly and Roktop (I also live in Alberta, BTW),

Sometimes, I need to be hit over the head with a 2x4 to knock some sense into me. I know, logically, that I cannot control my H. I can only go by what he is saying to me, and some of his actions. I know that I should stop playing the 'what if' game - doesn't get me anywhere.

It's my emotional side that sometimes gets the better of me - the side that doesn't quite trust yet. He has let me down so many times - always claiming it was unintentional, and I was at fault somehow, never fully taking his side of the responsibility for his actions. So, now I do fear (yes, I know, Roktop, fear is somewhat of an undermining factor in piecing my M back together right now. I have to lose it!) that he will lie again, or hide things.

Slowly, we'll just have to be confident enough in ourselves, that no matter what happens, we will be okay. Life will go on. I don't need him to make me happy or keep loneliness at bay. Actually, I've always enjoyed my own company, so that wouldn't really be a problem for me, even though I do love to hang out with friends and family. So, why do I fear? Why don't I just trust? Maybe it's my ego, or maybe we've been together so long, I wouldn't know how to relate to another man (even if I would want to, although I do enjoy having a committed relationship, even with all the problems I've had). I guess life is an adventure, and one has to take the challenges as they come, and deal with them with humour, spirit, some craziness, and just get on with it.

I start to grow impatient with myself.

I forgot to mention that my H gave me a card and some lovely white roses on Valentine's Day. I was totally caught unaware, as I had said that we could celebrate it on the 16th instead, as he had classes on Monday, plus I hate the idea of everything being so expensive because it's VD. Luckily, I had already bought his card, a t-shirt and some choclates.

I am grateful for the progress we have made since the bomb on May 9, 2004. Heck, he wasn't interested in anything (happy to have sex, though - ha!), except being friends and going our separate ways. I was able to let go of the rope, but now that he has committed, I find I have to pick it up again, but I'm scared it'll turn into a snake. But, trust is an ongoing issue that most of us in Piecing are finding problematic - those of us still with our spouses, that is.

My other challenge is flirting with my H. I was never much of a flirt, but I find now that that was a way to bring him back. And, I find it difficult to keep coming up with unique, different ways to flirt with him. Oy! Do the challenges never cease! Is there a flirt school one could go to?

Hi BeingMe - Congratulations on Vday treats - I'm so happy for you

I seem to recall there was a thread somewhere about flirting, hmmm, not sure if it is too far back now,

Slowly

Well, we have a long weekend coming up, and plenty of time to spend together. Although, I have a feeling H wants some space, so trying to accommodate and not being too available, i.e. will go to gym after work, spend some time with D12 out shopping, spend time with FF doing a puzzle, and so forth.

Will do some reading on flirting! There must be a way to learn this ... damn, I've always been such a nerd, and tend to communicate in a direct way (shades of being in the military), and haven't a clue how to flirt. I am somewhat of a teaser, but don't know how in a sexual way. Oy! 180's can suck sometimes!

Y'all have a good weekend!

Flirting can be lots of fun and done in lots of different ways! Leave a pair of lovely lacies where he can see them! Undress slowly in front of him! Eye him up and down and smile....then say something sexy to him...dress a bit sexier and make sure to make him notice by bending over in front of him or stretching a leg where he can see.. Men are VERY visual creatures, so wear something very nice to bed...he'll appreciate it whether he says so or not....give him a great foot rub or a comforting massage...but sex it up a bit when you do...put one foot in a sexy place while you rub the other...when massaging slide your hands down and around his sexiest regions...but FLIRT don't initiate sex, just rev his engine a bit....


Hope something in there helps....

Hugs, Akgal

Sounds like you've definately have the concepts down alaskangal. I hope your advice is well heeded out there. From a guys perspective I would have to say, "Yep, works for me". Have a great weekend.