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Works around here for my hubby and me... Akgal

AKgal, I have tried something similar, but he kinda ignored it. It's not that he doesn't want sex, he just won't ML - the way a man in love should. He still won't kiss me properly, and comes up with lame excuses. He thinks pecking me on the lips and hugging me when saying hullo and goodbye, and cuddling when we go to bed is romantic. And then, when he wants sex, then it's just that, and although I like it that way sometimes, I would mostly prefer it the romantic way, even if only in the beginning. Maybe, I'm just too sensitive. We seem to be heading in the same direction we went 2 years ago, where he takes me for granted, expects me to make changes in the R, whereas he thinks he's doing fine, when he's not. And, I just withdraw because when I tell him what my needs and wants are, he ignores them. Or, he shows his love the way he wants.

The positives are that I can see he is trying, but I could see that 2 years ago. He is trying, and not doing, though. So, I am getting really frustrated. He does talk to me a lot more about what he does at work, and other things. He also says ILY often - most everyday, but I want the action to come with the words.

I don't know what to do to move this R along. I am trying to continue to work on me. I go to the gym fairly regularly, I have signed up for a Creative Writing course, and some art workshops. I try and read, and do some website creating stuff. But, I just feel very insecure in the M, and he just doesn't seem to have the wherewithal to help me feel reassured. He seems to just want me to forget the EA, and move on, but it's just not that easy to build up the trust, especially if he is holding back himself.

Maybe I'm just getting impatient, but I am starting to feel that there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm too fat, too old, unattractive, maybe I have bad breath, or my teeth aren't pretty enough, or, or, or. But, other men notice me, so I can't be all that bad.

Maybe this is normal, and sometimes I feel I can believe him when he says he is not in contact with OW, and that's when I panic.

Sorry about the whingeing above! I am afraid of getting into the same rut in my M. It didn't work then, so it's not going to work now. So, I wish my H would get with the program already. I got us as far as reconciling, but I can't do it alone anymore. To me, piecing means we do it together now.

Hi BeingMe. Just reading through your sitch and thought I would comment on a couple things. First of all, lol, don't apologize for whining...better to do it here!!!!! I do it too!!!

Secondly, I can relate a lot to your situation. I think most people in piecing whose spouses had an A have pretty much the same trust issues. It's a very difficult to hand your heart back over to someone who once had it and broke it on you. Fear that it will happen again is always a problem IMHO.

I wish I had some wise words for you, but I am in a similar situation. I just wanted to drop in and say keep fighting the good fight.....you're not alone!!

Penngirl

Yes this site is for advice and venting. If your going to whine, do it here. Like yourself I feel the exact same feelings. Just keeping sticking it out. Like usual I would say forgiveness and trust is as much for you as it is for them. I keep telling myself if I don't take these steps the problems will never be resolved. If we deal with them when our spouse is there, then things will possibly be solve, otherwise it will be an unsolvable problem in our life which just hangs there. I'm going with plan A.

I am tired. This has been an awful week. Will post again on the weekend.

Hey there - Thinking of you, hope the week improves.

Slowly

Thanks for thinking of me, Slowly. This last week has been quite stressful one. Started off, falling down the stairs at home. I got rather bruised, and had an awful headache on the Monday, so stayed home from work. Spent 2 hours in the dentist's chair on Tuesday. And the week just went downhill from there. Marriage-wise, it's up-and-down, but mostly I feel we are stuck. I tell him what I want, and H pretty much ignores it. So, I feel we are going down the same old road. ~sigh~

We had a fairly good weekend, but on Sunday I pretty much freaked, in a low-level way (if that's possible). I told H that if he wasn't going to put more effort into our R, if he was going to ignore my needs and wants, if he didn't try and reassure me that I am safe with him, then I think we should start the separation process. I am just really, really tired of this merry-go-round. He did suggest that he move out, and we start over again, but I feel that if he does that, then it's a cop-out, and I just don't want to go through all that again. What do y'all think? I guess I just don't trust him, and I told him that. I also said that I see no evidence of him even trying to find a way to get me to trust him. He says he's afraid we'll go back to the way it was (when it was bad). I said we will if he continues the way he is. A lot of 'he said' and 'I saids', and I don't know if we came to any conclusion. All I know, is that I'm getting frustrated, and starting to wonder what single life is like.

So, here we are! I wait for him to respond. I am feeling a little depressed. Not just because of my M, but also feel I am stuck in a nowhere job, and just don't know what to do about it.

Today, my H starts a new job which he is nervous and excited about at the same time. I am happy for him, and hope that this will bring some new interest to his life.

Journalling and musing and thinking about great advice from my friend.

My H is a great guy - helps in the home, is superficially affectionate, a great dad, etc. However, I find that he is not emotionally there for me. He tells me he loves me, but I don't feel it. Maybe, I am expecting too much. I don't know. There's not passion, romance, no connection - not even a little. I flirt, I send signals, or I state clearly my needs and wants, but it's like hitting my head against a steel wall. Ouch! I feel almost ungrateful considering where we were last year, this time. It was March 2004 that the OW made contact. And, here I am, thinking of ending it, after all. That is, if things don't improve soon - the trust, emotionally connected part. My H says he doesn't want to lose my friendship, but he doesn't realise that I am a package deal - I am his wife, lover and friend. If he cuts one of those things out, he loses it all.

Anyway, I was chatting to a really good friend, who has been there for me since this all began. She doesn't take sides, but can see my point. She adores my H, and her H and mine get on very well. She gave me some good advice. I should write down the things he is doing right, and then write down the things I would like him to do with a time limit to each. If by the end of that period, he still hasn't done what I have asked (and I haven't nagged constantly about these things), then I should consider separating. I'm going to do it. Nr. 1 is my wedding and engagement rings - he has never understood how I wanted it as a symbol of our M (we couldn't afford it at the time we got married, and I always hoped he would get it for me, but he never did - not even at the time of our children's births - pretty hurtful). As a woman, that is important to me. I have now asked for it, and I am giving him until our 19th anniversary at the end of this month, to get it for me. And so, the list will begin!

This db'sting has been such a struggle for me. This last year has been one of self-discovery (good and bad), self-improvement (a lot of 180's), emotionally putting myself on the line and being open and surviving so much rejection and hurt, and yet I managed to detach, and do a lot of forgiving. I can move on with my life now, alone, and I will be more than okay. I want my H, but I don't need him. I will never need a man again. Not to make me happy, anyway. Ha!

Hi BeingMe - I'm sorry to hear you feel like you have come to the end of the road, it happens to me too sometimes Something I discovered recently is that when I'm having challenges at work, my emotions become less manageable. Could concerns over your job be lowering your tolerance? Would sorting that out maybe change your perspective on what is acceptable on the home front?

Just my 2 cents. Slowly