My H and I have recommitted ourselves to our marriage, but I still have trust issues connected to an EA he had last year for 6 months. I previously posted on the Newcomers thread, but feel I belong here now.
How does one regain the trust! Our MC says it will take time, but everytime I show mistrust, my H gets upset. Should I just not say anything, and just work on it by myself? What can he do to help me regain the trust I had?
I will try and link to my previous postings at another time.
Last edited by BeingMe; 01/18/0509:17 PM.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I've been peaking over here too trying to decide where I fit right now. I too am struggling with the trust thing also since this is not our first time down this path. Some days I'm excited about the changes, others I have a hard time explaining why. All I can say is this better be the last time, I'm not sure what I will do next time around.
Seriously, do you know if they make shock collars for spouses. Just something to think of.
Right now the way I keep trying to look at it is this, does it help to be constantly worried about it? Can you do much if you do? Will it improve anything? So I work on me and put the rest in the Lord's hands. You can only control yourself. If you try to control him it will only backfire on you.
One thing that I am feeling right now, and Frankly said it best, is that I am the consolation prize. If we didn't have children, and if he didn't feel responsible for me, and if the OW wasn't married with children, and if, if, if, then I don't think he would've chosen me. I have tried so hard in the past 18 months or so, to build up my self-esteem which he kindly assisted me with the breakdown of it, and now I feel myself skidding down the hill of my esteem. If all that makes sense.
Anyway, I still feel insecure in this R, and he isn't doing anything to make me feel any safer. Yes, he says the EA is over, and has been since August 2004, says he doesn't love her, but loves me, is affectionate most days, but there is no passion, no kissing during lovemaking, no reaching for me when we're out (i.e. holding my hand - only if I take his), no reading material where he could make the M better, doesn't initiate telling me he loves me (only says it if I do). He gets angry and offended if I verbalize my mistrust, but WTF, he is the one that caused the mistrust. I feel he wants to trivialize the EA and how I felt in response to it, and just move on, but it's not that easy. And this has always been his MO - bury the bad stuff he's done and move on, but it's not that easy this time. This time, it's not porno (which is bad enough), but an affair. This is something that didn't just have the potential to effect him and me, but our children too. This is not just fooling around, but a deep betrayal. How do I dig myself out of this, and move on with our M? How do I tell him what I want in order to feel secure in our M, without him acting all hurt and upset that I don't trust him? I feel that I am now starting to push my uncertainties under the rug just for the sake of peace, and to save my M. In other words, putting myself second - again. Is it worth it? I'm not so sure it is anymore, but I am going to wait a few months and see where it all goes.
I think I need to rethink and review my goals.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Just mulling over things here and getting it off my chest, as it were.
Here are my previous goals which I will review here:
Meet new people - not really done much of that except perhaps at Toastmasters where I have met some new members. Start studying - starting a Creative Writing course on Feb. 1 - I am very excited about it. Start painting again - very relaxing. I have not done this yet. Continue working on R with H, without pursuing or being clingy, and leave the rope on the floor - do not pick it up. Continue seeing C. I don't think I have been clingy, and perhaps I have detached more than I should, but we have finished a group of sessions with a MC which was very helpful, however, I still struggle with some issues. Pray everyday. I have stopped doing this as much, and need to get back into it again. I need to learn to leave my problem with Heavenly Father. Continue working out at the gym at least 3 times a week. Backslid on this during the holiday season, but have started going back.
New Goals: Insist that H and I have couples meeting every week as the MC suggested and H agreed. We haven't done this yet. Compliment H everyday. Be upbeat and positive. Start writing. Socialize more with friends. Take care of health (been having some ongoing health issues, and will take this up with my doctor this week, and just hope that its not anything serious - this has added to my stress, so it's good that I am going to do something about it). Put myself first. Spend more time with children especially D12.
This is all I can think of, for now, but I think it's a good start. I need to change my attitude to one of acceptance and have a feeling of positiveness for the future, whatever that may be.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe I think your "if, if, if" musing is what's killing you. When I was reading the following
Quote: If we didn't have children, and if he didn't feel responsible for me, and if the OW wasn't married with children,
I was thinking: yes but it's all because he HAS chosen you. He chose you to be the mother of his children, he chose you to take care of. IF it was someone else he chose then you wouldn't be in that situation to begin with! So throw those 'ifs' away and look at the fact that you are the one he comes home to, you are the one he takes care of now.
(((BeingMe))) I'm so proud of you! You were one of the first people that posted me back on my first thread and you were my inspiration. I wish my story would've turned the way yours did but oh well. I am not in piecing and I don't think I'll ever be there so I can't share your feelings that you're going through now. But go back to your first thread and start reading - wasn't your goal to get to where you are now? It's a process and you're at the end of it. Yes, it's the most difficult part but that's the prize all of the other ones here want! And you got it girl. Now it's just a balancing act to keep it.
Your are right, Crushed. Thanks for pointing out my obsessing over nonsense. Sometimes, I need a brick thrown at my head. Oy! I have attained my goals, but I guess it didn't quite turn out as I had imagined, but better than I feared, so I am grateful for that. I suppose I had hoped that once he was able to tell me he loves me, that everything else would fall into place. Silly, romantic me.
So! I keep moving onwards, and hope to get to the same point KML is at.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Another thing you need to start understanding is the fact of your M never being the same. It does not mean that it will be worse than before, it only means different. Once you get more comfortable in your new skin you will make that R whatever you want it to be. The rules might change, the expectations might change but one thing that should remain is your happiness with yourself and your life and everything that life includes.
