I have never posted to you before but have read your insight on other threads (maya, GBO, H2H). I am so sorry for your latest news about S and D. I can understand your worry. In most cases, smoking pot at that age is just experimental. But I can understand your concern for D. I have not had this concern as far as my children are concerned. However, my intelligent, mature husband has a 20 year daily marijuana habit that causes me great concern and because he is a stubborn adult male , I have not found a solution. The consequences of your children's actions will probably be enough to stop the behavior.
Thank you for your helpful summary of your journey with your H, it is an inspiration to those of us who were thinking of throwing in the towel.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
I understand your grave concern, especially in light of the ED. I, too, was truant and smoked pot in HS as well as into college, until I realized how ridiculous I was when I was high... dissolving into hysterical laughter over the silliest thing for about 10 minutes, eating everything in sight for the next 15, then falling asleep. Whoo! Are we having fun yet?
Your kids have several huge advantages: They're well-educated, have a vigilant mom who cares about them tremendously, and know better (they really do). I would venture a strong guess that they are just experimenting, and your getting through to them will hinge on your ability to be very calm and matter-of-fact. Which, it needs not be said, we all know you've got that!
kml wrote
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This time, it's finding out that D14 and S13 have been smoking pot, and D14 has been cutting school (WHY do they bother to take attendance if they're not going to call the parents when they go missing??????)
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Ellie, thanks for posting on my thread a couple of months age.
As you might remember, I worked in a group home for deliquent 14 to 19 yr old boys. We did random urine test so each resident had at least 2 tests a month. The best results were from samples taken in the morning (first wake up pee). Boys trying to hide their pot smoking usually drank a lot of fluids so we tested them more often. The fluid drinkers barely passed some of the do-it-yourself test if we tested them later in the day. We would test again in the AM (first pee), they flunked big time. Some tried taking some pill called gold seal, gold rod, or something like that from a nutrition store like GNC, I think. They passed the test sometimes.
Doing the teat randomly sure decreased drug usage. With a definate positive on a test, there was less arguing from the boy. Good old black and white, no arguing about how gray something was.
H was aces, good thing, because I was pretty out of it - had that horrible pit in my stomache that felt like just after I discovered my H's affair - YUCK!!!!
D is asking to change schools, since one of the problems she has had at this high school is a bitchy group of people that have spread gossip about her because of her ED problems last year, and although it is a big school, she has had trouble ignoring them - leading to her hanging out with the "loser" kids. I know a lot of this is in her own mind, because she has lots of good friends who have known her for years and would welcome her - more a matter of her distancing herself, and doing things that make her stand out and bring on more gossip.
I really don't feel a change of schools mid-year will do the trick - I'm afraid she would bring her same problems along with her, and most neighboring schools she could transfer to have way bigger problems (gangs, etc.) than our school, which is the best in the district. The only realistic possibility might be the performing arts high school, but it is quite far away (would involve 2 hours commuting each day) and I doubt she could transfer now anyway, since the new semester starts in a week and they have waiting lists.
That leaves us with - drumroll please - homeschooling. Although nothing has been decided yet - it looks like our best option may be for me to homeschool her for the rest of this year, then maybe transfer to another school next year.
I must say - much as I understand all the potential value in homeschooling, and much as I recognize the shortcomings of our schools - I am NOT looking forward to this!!!!! Oh, I feel perfectly qualified to do the teaching - and our district has an organized "independent study" school for homeschoolers that includes classroom science courses and tests and grades. I just don't look forward to dealing with the motivational issues. And, of course, this throws a big wrench into my plans to go back to work (thank goodness my H was the one to bring it up first - if I had, I'm sure he would have thought I was looking for a way to get out of working.)
But my D isn't getting much out of school in her present state of mind, and pulling her out of the drama of high school interactions at this point seems like a healthy thing. I guess I will be forced to follow through on my ideas of setting up a medical coaching/consulting business, or of finishing my book(s), since those will be the only things I can work on while we are homeschooling.
So - anyone out there who has homeschooled a high-schooler to give me any pointers?
I don't really feel qualified to offer advice as I haven't had to deal with a teenager YET, although my D displays some of the rebelliousness of one already.
My first reaction to your idea of pulling her out of school to home school for the rest of the year, was why not explore less dramatic options first? If, as you say, she has good friends at her present school, could you pursuade her/them to come to some sort of understanding that they provide your D with some moral support? Form a protective wall around her for a while, to get her through this difficult period?
You haven't really told us what your D's reaction to all this is. How did she react to having you called to the school etc? Is she still rebellious or has she agreed to work on a solution?
As for home schooling, I was very into the idea before D was even old enough to be schooled, and got a load of books, but decided that in my circumstances it was not practicable.
I think if your D is willing to work on the problem herself, with your support, then carrying on at her present school should be her first option. Just an outsider's view.
Sorry you have had another problem lobbed at you. But I have every confidence you all will work it out.
Have you figured out which DBing principles can be applied to this situation?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: Have you figured out which DBing principles can be applied to this situation?
great reminder, LNL.
D is the one asking to leave this school. And although I would love it if she decided to stay and work through her issues and find a healthier group of friends - I also worry that she would have the opportunity to skip school, drink, have sex, or whatever - sadly, I don't think she is strong enough to just ignore the bad influences and drop this new set of friends if she is still there.
Anybody here have any experience with keystroke loggers? I need to install one on my computer so I can monitor D and S's communications better (yes, I believe in spying on my kids if it will keep them safe from drugs, premarital sex, etc. Desperate times call for desperate measures.)
I'm so sorry to hear about your news. I'll offer you a cyber hug (((((Ellie))))) because this stuff is heart wrenching.
I'm not here to offer you advice--I'm not the parent to someone with self esteem problems or escape by means of drugs. But as the sister to someone who has had drug problems for almost a lifetime, I've learned a few things about the nature of the beast. Some of this stuff is coming out now, and it's just too important not to share. If only, just to give you something to chew on.
My brother had a similar dynamic but a different set of circumstances. He's doing remarkably well now, but it has cost him and my parents dearly. And since this is something that fits well in the DB paradigm, I do want to share this. I hope you're not offended, as it is not meant to offend or offer you a personal agenda of mine.
My brother finally learned coping skills when the Commonwealth of Virginia took the responsibility away from my mom. She had him change schools in high school for the same reason, and I'm sure if she had considered home schooling, she would have done that too. She felt it was her job to prevent him from the social influences of others, rather than to help him cope in their midst.
It didn't work, Ellie. He still found unsuitable friends who allowed him to make his escapes. He told my parents the things that he wanted them to hear, but had his own agenda. And while my bro isn't an unkind person, he was dealing with some pretty powerful demons that were really his to figure out.
My mom should have had firmer boundaries with him as an adult (as well as a child) and she had plenty of shrinks tell her the same thing.
Dabbling with drugs and graduating to more serious usage is usually an indicator of a need to escape. As a mom, I know you do the best job you possibly can--and you try to head off future disaster by taking action now.
But some of these battles (not all of them) are your D's to figure out.
What are the ways you can lovingly detach? Allow her to reap some consequences for this sort of behavior but still lay firm parenting boundaries and expectations on her?
My parents pretty much grounded me my entire junior year, and I can tell you I only got worse. UGH.
Ellie, your D is only as strong as she allows herself to be. Right now, she's acting out and letting you know she's hurting. I consider this wonderful news. There is much hope when someone hurts badly enough for others to see.
I don't have the answers, Ellie, nor do I hope to convey that I think I do. I know it's all hard stuff.
If it's any encouragement, my 36-year old brother told my mom a couple months ago, "Mom! Stop making excuses for me! I'm quite capable of coming up with them all by myself. And the fact is, I don't need excuses. I need to be held accountable for the things I do."
That is exactly the moment I knew my brother was stronger than my mom. And that he finally wants to stay clean.
I don't see that parallel in your family, but a little consequence (with a lot of love) can really go a long way.
I hope this helps.
Hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
It's my D who is asking to leave - we're not making her leave. She feels like no one will give her a chance, like no one there will let her forget her ED past, and that is what has caused her to drift towards the "misfit" kids. (Almost one of those "gee, if everybody thinks I'm so bad, I'll show them, I'll be REALLY bad!) And I really don't have issues with (most) of these kids - but clearly my D, in her current mental state, with the ED and depression issues, is unable to handle this environment.
And we won't be "grounding" her - she simply won't be unsupervised. She's only 14 - she can go to the movies with her friends - but now only with a parent in the theater. She can have friends over all she wants - we've always welcomed kids in our home, love sleepovers parties etc. She simply won't be allowed to sleepover at other's homes. She (and her brother) simply are too young to handle the little bit of independence they were given responsibly, so we will go back to supervised time only. They will still have plenty of social opportunities with friends - just not the opportunity to do drugs or get into other trouble. Ellie
, I have not found a solution. The consequences of your children's actions will probably be enough to stop the behavior.
