Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again What the hell am I doing????

W has been back to the same old routine since about mid october. back to dating, lying and such behind my back. She was on online personals ads and really getting out of control.
Well since before Christmas I have been working on myself and praying for peace in my heart. Well I finally came to terms with the end of my marriage on christmas day. I decided its time to move on and be happy. I have been miserable at home with the W. Even when we got back together in April, nothing really changed.
So anyways, I have a friend at the doctors office that I go to that has always been telling me to cheer up when she sees me. She lived by us in our apartments until December. but anyways I had confided to her about my problems a little.
To make a long story short. The day before New years I wasnt feeling good so I went to the doctor, but I had a change in me. I was smiling and flirting a little with the girls up there. Well my friend asked me what was up. And I told her that my marriage is over and I have come to terms with that and I am ready to live life again. Well she gave me her number and we ended up seeing each other on New Years night. I had a blast. She and I talked all night long. From about 7 till 4 am.. I smiled so much my face hurt. My SBTX got online that night and found her number on my cell records and called her. She freaked out. Called me. But I wouldnt answer. She text me all kinds of nasty things. I finally just turned my phone off that night. I came home the next day around 11:30 to my W crying and begging me not to leave her. Over the next two weeks she has begged and pleaded tried to use my son to keep me there. Finally she has allowed God into her heart and things arent so hard to deal with. She keeps pressuring me. Anytime she starts a R talk it turns into a yes or no answer. my way or the highway situation. It has gotten to the point that I dont want to be in our home. I look for excuses to just get out at night.
The situation with my friend has gotten complicated because my sbtx called her the weekend of new years against my wishes and my friend said she has been on her end and would stop all contact with me. She basically has too. I have talked to her occasionally on the phone but no more contact.
Right now I dont want to be married. I would have liked to have persued my friend but I didnt do things right. I see that. I know I should have moved out first. But I figured what the hell my W was doing the same thing. I figured it wouldnt be any big deal. I was just moving on with my life.
Now I am so confused and trying to re-examine my life.
After 3 years my w has finally woken up. But I am affraid its just too late. I dont love her anymore. I am ready to move out of our home, just to get some peace and time alone. Not to go after my friend. I am pretty sure she will never see me again. But just spending one night with her made me see how happy I deserved to be. She made me smile. We talked. We just had a great time together and a great kiss at midnight. Since that one date I have missed her. I have missed having someone to talk to.
The sad thing it took me dating for my W to wake up, but it also took dating for me to move on..
What the hell do I do??????

Another thing that is hard in the house is her kids. I love them like they are my own. I have been in there lives for 6 years but I am so tired of being lied to, the constant fights with the teenager, my things and money being taken. really just the total lack of respect for me in the house. They have been watching and seeing what was going on for the last 3 years and I really believe that their lack of respect is a direct result from my W's lack of respect for me.
We have a 16 year old in the house who smokes, drinks, i think he is on drugs, he has in the past, has a 14 year old girl frind that he is having sex with in my house while I am there. Cusses at me and his mother treats my son like crap. My 4 year old says he hates his brother. because of the way he does him.
I am really just beyond the breaking point. its time to take care of me and my son. I will do whatever I have to to take care of him.
I have God in my life again and I know he doesnt like divorce but, I think he gave me peace in my heart because he didnt want me to suffer any more. He wanted me to be a stronger man. A better father. Even a better husband for a special woman, sometime later in life.

Hi Kevin,

{{{{{Kevin}}}}}

Any chance you can just move out and get some distance between the two of you?

I saw her posts on the bb and she does seem to really be working on herself but the home situation you are describing sounds pretty tough and not great for your 4 year old son.

I am trying too. We are kinda stuck till tax time unless I can find a friend to move in with.

hi kevinlost, isn't life ironic sometimes? Just when we give up all hope of saving our M then our S decides they can't live without us!

My first thought after reading your post is counseling. Have you thought about you and your W going to a MC? If she is now fighting to get you back, would this be something she would agree to?

There have been times when I wished I was in your position. But there are other times when I'm really glad that I'm not. I just live my life, do my thing and let my H flap around in the breeze. It actually becomes humorous at times, the things he does or says.

In your sitch, you have been thru the wringer, and seems like you've had enough. Only you know whether you are done with this R or not. But remember that the rule is do not make any huge decisions when you are in an emotional state. Take the time to examine the sitch and your feelings.

Those feelings you got from your friend, they are wonderful. If your W is willing to work on the R, is there any chance (however remote it seems) that you could feel those things with your W again? It takes really hard work, but it does seem you finally got your W attention. Maybe now she is really ready to change.

Good luck in your decisions, I hope you find the happiness you've been looking for.

JL

I dont know about counseling. I really think the best thing for me right now is to separate. Ither than the fact that W is driving me crazy, I really am not struggling with any emotions about the situation.
I have been thru the wringer you can search my other posts and see for yourself. I have been on here for years.
I really do believe that I finally had enough..

Quote:

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I saw her posts on the bb and she does seem to really be working on herself

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Kevin,

Is your wife posting here as well? What is her BB name and where does she post?

Livnlearn

She is in the newcommers area. She doesnt know I am posting here. As a matter of fact I just started back today.
Her BB name is Broken2Late.

Hello again

If she doesn't know you post here and started posting before your recent return, then at least you can see from her posts that she is being honest and sincere. She lays out the facts, doesn't evade her part in all this.

Isn't that a good start?

One thought - if you moved out, you could still work on bridge building, dating, taking the temperature over time, to see if your W is genuine in her desire to try and make things work. It would surely be a shame to throw away this chance after "going through the wringer" for three years. You must love this woman to go through that, and you have a child together.

Livnlearn

Ok Keving...while I sympathise with your sitch (lord knows it has been the rollercoaster ride from hell) there are some things that it is probably time to get down and dirty about.

Watch out...Zoo is swinging

Take a minute ans step outside of your sitch and read your post as if it were someone else's. WHAT would you tell the person?

You fell into the EA trap that so many of the WAS fall into...finding someone who will listen and show the kindness and sympathy that seems to be missing from the R. You yourself have expressed a great deal of anger, frustration, and despair at your W's actions regarding OM ...what makes it alright to do the EXACT same thing that she did to you...and now you COMPLAIN and carry on because she has had a change of heart and is now the one begging YOU to stay?? What about this speaks of good DB'ing to you? I'm not seeing it...all I'm seeing is spite and revenge rearing their ugly head.

Db'ing is hard work and a whole lot of compromise and setting certain aspects of ourselves aside...we do this because our WAS is worth it to us. Worth it enough that we DON'T hold their selfishness against them while they struggle to make their way through to the other side. We stand there waiting for them...waiting to catch them when they finally fall through. Even though we hope otherwise we KNOW that this doesn't happen overnight...for some it takes YEARS for it to be realized...for the lucky ones it takes months. I have a sneaky suspicion that you QUIT (yep, palying hardball here) doing what worked and had the whole thing break apart on you liek a house of cards. THERE IS NO HALF WAY OF DOING THIS! THERE IS NO "I DID EVERYTHING I WAS SUPPOSE TO NOW IT IS YOUR TURN" ! It is a way of life Kevin...not just a quick fix.

You should admit from your previous threads as well that you kicked and screamed the whole time about how to go about DB'ing. You more often than not ignored the advice given you and then lamented when your W would bail and couldn't "understand" WHY.

Granted...your W was no saint. She pulled a lot of dirty stunts on you; but hell, half the folks here on the bb have had a lot of dirty stunts pulled on them and many WORSE than you. We have all been used and ground into the dirt by their selfishness. We have all run screamming to the bb for succor and comfort. We have all proclaimed at the top of our lungs that WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH...then we cycle down and tighten our belts, roll up our sleeves and get on with the work at hand.

Now YOU want to turn the tables on your W?? You have firsthand knowledge of how your W probably feels right now...you want to put HER through that? That is about the most petty thing I have ever heard on this bb!

You have the perfect opportunity here...your W is on the bb WANTING to work through this (how many of us have wished fervently for that??) and yet you want to be childish and cry "too little, too late". Hmmmm...haven't you been on the receiving end of that one before? The sad thing is...YOU KNOW THE PROCESS and I have a sneaky suspicion that you will now USE IT AGAINST HER...in essence, she doesn't stand a snowballs chance in hell. She would probably be better off if you DID move out! PErhaps it would make you BOTH wake up and smell the coffee?

Just remember...you have children involved in this (one of YOUR laments and worries when she wasn't seeing things YOUR way) and no matter what...THEY COME FIRST.

Think about it.

Zoo