Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again What the hell am I doing????

I really think moving out right now is our best option. I need some time alone. maybe even date her and court her to start a new relationship. I dont know, but I do know the old one is dead. But I am affraid that I just dont love her any more. I despite everything that I have gone through with her over the years I never doubted that I loved her but now its different. I dont have that love in my heart for her. I cant really explain what I feel. but I do know that it has me really confused..

I think your little EA fling is the source of your confusion. After all...how could you enjoy someone else so much and STILL love your W...right?

You need to read DB/DR again...read the section about infidelity because I think that is where EA's are addressed as well. Read the whole book and look inside yourself while you are doing it.

I will tell you this Kevin...what you did on NYE WAS NOT OK. Everyone else might try to sugar-coat it for you but I won't. IT WAS WRONG...just as assuredly as your W dating and everything while you are together. Two wrongs do not make a right, I don't care how much you try to skew things to make yourself look the victim. Now you are trying to JUSTIFY your actions by saying you are confused. You are the one saying "I Love you but I am not IN love with you". Don't you remember how much that HURT every time you heard it? Just as your W had to finally take responsibility for her actions, you are responsible for YOURS. There is NO justification you can offer up for taking the vengeful route. NONE.

The two of you had reconciled and were attmpting to work things out...you know from your experience here that it is a hard row to hoe. You were excited by her deciding to try again. Apparently you didn't LISTEN though when you were cautioned about backsliding...on both sides. I can only think that you must have had some idyllic notion in your head that her decision to return meant everything would be perfect or just like it was BEFORE she took her ride on the alien mothership.

I would like to know how you maintained your goals. What solution-oriented actions did you take when things started to look a little rocky again? What NEW goals did you establish to continue to FEED your R? Did you start pursuit behaviours again? Did you start to become controlling again? Did you ultimately show her that the "changes" you had made were just changes of convenience in order to lure her back? You continue to lay the blame at her feet but we are all too aware that we ourselves are not entirely blameless. I'm just really curious about how much you reneged on from your end?

The thrill from the OW (yeah...you got one of those now) is just that...a cheap thrill, a brief burst of brightness at a moment when you are low, a little something different from the same-old, same-old. It isn't the beginning of something new and wondeful...it has no semblance to what you and your W have shared. It is a false moment of wonder in the midst of the storm. YOU KNOW THIS...that is what is so disappointing. You know it and yet you try to make it out to be something that it isn't. That is WHY it is called an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. It is feeding those emotions that you THINK are starving.

Why not give your W her chance to feed them instead? You bounced your head off of enough brick walls trying to get her to give you a chance. What suddenly makes it OK for you to become the WAS?

Zoo

Hi Kevinlost,

Man have you been through spin cycle that's lasted years. I remember you from a few years ago. You were moving state and your WAW at the time decided to commit to your R. How long did that last?

I was going to beat you over the head until I caught up on your posts. Your WAW has flipped flopped so much but mostly flopped. I couldn't imagine the pain of living with someone you loved so much when they kept on trying to find someone better than you online.

You've been her backup plan for way too long. I hate to say it thought, you've been a doormat for way too long also so you gotta cop some of the responsibility.

It's easy to advise newcomers on what to do but it's hard to advise someone what to do especially when they've had years to contemplate what to you.

You know I hate to say it but your WAW has been a deadbeat W for far too long and she sounds like a deadbeat mother going by your previous post and a few others I read today.

Even as it is suggested that you give her another chance, how long do you think it is going to be she starts pulling that crap on you again? How the he!! can anyone trust someone like that?

I know that forgiveness is a gift but you first need to forgive yourself and the mistakes that you have made before you can forgive anyone else. You need to do that first and then decide how you will forgive her.

Hang in there Kevin and do what's best for you and your son. You may have not been the best DBer in the world but it is a very hard doctrine to grasp and engender.

You are a very emotional guy and you express yourself emotionally and it's the reason you kept backsliding like the pole was greased. That's you. You've been that way for too long and it would be an injustice to yourself and your son if gave up who you were.

Kevin, you are right about one thing. You deserve better. I do think in the back of my mind that you will cave in sometime soon and give your W another chanced. If you do that before she has irreversibly changed, on the strength (or weakness) of another one of her broken promises or failure to follow through, you will lose the opportunity of a lifetime.

Suit

I think everybody has some really good valid points here.
We have been back and forth at 6 times now and separated once. I really believe separating is my best option right now. I do not trust her, I feel in my heart that if I did take her back she would go right back to where she was before in just a matter of time.

kevin, I totally with Suit. I too have kept up with your posts and you have been on the W's backburner...these antics are typical of someone who has no idea what they want, but what they don't have sure looks a hell of alot better than what they do. This is a serious problem, my friend, and it is not fun to live with a person who have this problem. And the idea that they come back when you finally have enough and someone else comes in to the picture is hogwash. Been there, done that...I can assure you that 90% of these people draw you back for the wrong reasons...some won't agree, but I've seen it a million times with friends, etc., and it usually doesn't work. If this were the first, even second time for you, but it isn't and I really feel for you and your child. You have been easily manipulated in the past because you loved her...and she very well knows what strings to pull. The online thing is just such crap, kevin. And she gives into it over and over again. Step back and look at your sitch again. If you feel like you really have a chance, and if that is what you WANT, then you will need to watch how things go for a very long time. It is up to you...as Suit said, you deserve better, much better...whether it be with your W after major changes have been made and her sincerity it as clear as a bell or with someone in the future. There comes a time when we deserve to put ourselves and our children first.

Thank yall for all your support. I really believe for me to give her another chance she would have to show me some long term changes over time not just a short term and pressure me to do it.

One thing I see as a BIG difference is that Kevin's W is on the BB POSTING. She is ACTIVELY seeking help and trying to change. She wants the same CHANCE that Kevin has asked her for time and again. The same chance that she has granted him time and again.

Yes, she has put him through the wringer. To hell and back would be an understatement. She has manipulated him and ground him down...done a lot of deceitful and nasty things but through it all he has made it perfectly clear that he loved her. That love has been his downfall as much as his strength because his need to express it undermined his DB'ing efforts a lot.

If his WAW was in the midst of a MLC though (which is something I have suspected for a while) then isn't what is happening now part of the process for her? In and out of the cave...consistently taking off on the alien mothership, vacillating back and forth on what she wants and doing a lot of really stupid, rude and mean things along the way? Kevin has pondered the MLC question too if i remember correctly.

His W has stated quite openly that she was at fault. That she was caught up in her own problems and pushed him away. How many of us have waited with baited breath to hear our WAS say those things? To admit the obvious that we have been seeing all along? How many have wished fervently that when their S finally woke up they would come to the BB of their own free will to try to right the wrong they have done?

I made a number of my statements after reading both he and his W's posts. Kevin fell in to a classic case of infatuation which has led him to an EA. He actively sought this out. He is the one who called the OW. He is the one who turned his phone off so his W could not bother him while he was having his "fun". He is still contacting this OW and attempting to maintain the EA...you don't have to physically be with a person for this, just the talking is enough. He wants to make this a PA if I am reading the posts right. He is doing all of the things that he has criticised his W for...the same things that brought HIM to this board in the first place. His postings read like he wants US to validate his justifications for becoming a WAS himself. I whould think the reason he is posting should be because he wants talked out of it.

A number of DB'ers end up having EA's. I had one myself. I didn't pursue mine the way Kevin is his...mostly becuae i didn't realize I was in one at first. Once I did realize it though...I knew it made me no better than my cheating H. I made a feeble attempt at justifying it to myself, much as Kevin is his. After all...my H was lying to me and treating me like crap. He was out having his fun while I was home still maintaining my role as wife. I was still cooking his meals and washing his clothes and picking up after him. He was still sleeping with someone else, going to parties and bars and completely shutting me out. Why shouldn't I get some of my own back even if it was only on an emotional level...right? My logic to dissuade myself was...why would I want to stoop to his level? What kind of example would that be? Wouldn't that in essence validate his justifications for doing what he was doing to me? Frankly...it made me ashamed of myself and I extricated myself from it.

I'd hate for Kevin to end up feeling the way I did. And it is inevitable once the glamour wears off. Just as it is for the WAS in the same sitch. No one benefits from it...it ends up being painful baggage that gets toted around for years.

I understand Kevins pain and what he has been going through. In the end the choice is his. I am NOT going to tell him that is is OK though, that he has been through the wringer and it's about time he get some of his own back. It would probably be different if he was actually separated or divorcing his W but that is not the case. He was working on his R up until a few weeks ago when a female caught his eye and was nice to him at a low point. Could you imagine what it would be like around here if every Db'er did that? Just gave in when someone treated them better than their WAS did? It'd get kind of stagnant around here wouldn't it.

Regards,
Zoo

Kevin,

Zoo has made some excellent points. Although I have not been following your sitiuation from the beginning, I have to agree that your actions on New Year's eve was wrong.

We all deserve happiness and I suspect that I could be tempted easily by a shiny penny. Its has been a long time since I've been given any attention.

I sense you want your M to work. Look at Zoo's first post and think about some of those questions for a couple of days.

We will be here for you.

Jet

kevin, I do agree with other posters and getting involved with OP is not right...not at this time. That being said however, I still say if you want to work on the M, look for long-lasting changes in W. You have been through it all, and I can only imagine your pain. Regardless of what anyone else says, you have certainly paid your dues and you do what you feel is right for you and your son. No two sitches are alike...and no two people have the same boundries as to what they will allow themselve to go through with their spouse. Only you know...but keep away from OW for now...I don't think it will do anybody any good. Your sitch is complicated...tread carefully. But you will be happy one day, regardless what your decision is.

Well it came down too how long is long enough.. 3 years out of a 5 year marriage. Theres more bad then good. I just felt like I had given all there was to give and I tried my best. But at some point you just have to accept that its over and move on. I am trying not to punish her or hurt her, but I have just given up.
A few years ago before we moved accross country I had set up a date and told her about it before it happened and she begged me not to go on it, I gave in and things were better between us for about 2 months then it went to crap again. We moved acros the country to keep my job and she was already chatting with people from our new area before we even moved.
I feel in my heart that her changes are only temporary until I give in to her again. I have seen a lot of changes in her but they are all similar to the ones I have seen before.
Hence the need to move out, I think we both need some time alone to figure things out. I cant think at home now. Every night turns into a R talk. or she is crying and pouting and making some bs comments, when she gets mad... I have been trying to get out to the gym every night but sometimes I am just too tired to go. its hard to be there because home is in such turmoil right now. Still no respect at home from the kids.. Still a lot of fighting between the teenager and W. I am staying out of it. I have washed my hands at that whole situation. Even my 4 year old has been getting on my nerves lately. Mainly because he demands so much of my attention, and I have so much on my mind that I just cant think....
I still miss the attention from OW. I havent talked to, or seen her in over a week. Its not fair of me to drag her into my mess of a life. I need to live on my own and figure out my life and divorce before I can start a new R. with anybody.
I have a buddy at work that is going to rent me a room so I am thinking about moving out at the end of the month. For a couple of weeks or so... Maybe if I miss her then I will discover if I still have feelings for her.