Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Not WAITING anymore

Journaling:

Last night I asked him again about the docs he was supposed to prepare for me (401K, pay stubs, taxes)as I saw him getting ready for bed. Of course he did not do it. I asked him again and he started to question why I needed it. I answered "for my L" but he did not hear me and asked again. This time I said "for the same reason you needed it, what do you think?" He answered that he is just asking and that he thought we would leave each other's 401K alone. I said that I still need to report all the numbers.

This morning he was leaving for work earlier (I'm covering today and start at 8 am instead of usual 7am) and he actually overslept because he did not set the alarm correctly. I think the only reason he went to work today after being off from Tue till Thur that OW might be possibly back in town and he just HAD to see her. As he was leaving he said "I'll see you tonight" which is weird since when he leaves before me or when I'm off he doesn't say anything since the bomb was dropped.

Seeing my L today, wonder if he finally got the papers from H's L. Kind of tempted to file counter suit when it comes to D....

Crushed,

I know you feel it's over and have expressed that you've given up, but what would the counter suit gain you? If it's to gain more time, okay maybe. If it's to be vindictice, I really can't see you in that place. So what do you wish to gain from a counter?

ShawnL

Shawn, I don't mean to be vindictive. I think it would be counterproductive to what I have already accomplished. It's more for the peace of my mind and to make sure that I'm not a doormat. I was lied to by him just so he could feel better about his choices and actions. He DID leave me for another woman despite of what he was trying to convince himself. I don't want to be the monster that he is making me out to be in his D papers. He cited extreme mental cruelty (also added harm done to the physical well being due to stress) and I don't agree. It's a way for a closure for me. I probably will not go for it anyway, don't want to spend more money than necessary plus the answer to his suit was filed and I denied the mental cruelty. I guess I'll just wait and see.

He is not bringing anything up - it's almost like he hopes that the things will miracleously fall into a place that's good for him. If he is to keep the house he needs to refinance it or start working on obtaining the equity loan that he is planning to use to buy me out and help him with finances until he decides to move or whatever. But all those things take time - he is not aware of it or is this a total denial? I am not comfortable moving out without all those things straighten out because I don't want to ruin my credit history with my name still on the deed and him not being able to pay mortgage and all other expenses (which he will not be able to do on single income with things the way they are now).

Not sure what to do....

Crushed,

I'm glad it's not a vindictive thing. I forgot about the mental cruelty angle on his original suit. Countering may bring you piece of mind, but in the long run, it will just show up in the books as a D. No one will ever remember the details other than H, yourself and those you confide in. So letting it go would save you the money and continued aggrevation.

ShawnL

Shawn, like I said, wait and see. I will talk to my L about options today. I want to find out if it is possible to D without having to go through separation first just in case he is taking too long with financial aspect. Maybe he'll give me some pointers on the way to protect my credit with me not being under the same roof but him still not refinancing (quick deed or whatever). I just want to start MY healing process and being around him is not helping. At times I almost feel like there never was a "bomb" day and we are just carrying on as usual (especially lately when OW has been out on vacation).

I just have to laugh at this one. I got a phone call from my H just now (did not answer it, let the VM pick up) and turns out that he just got home because the moment he got to work he started to feel "weird". Now, I already said that I find him going in today stupid to begin with but he HAD to (OW anyone? had to get a fix after not seeing her for 2 weeks?). So he leaves this message saying that he just got home and how he feels and to give him a call because he doesn't know what I have planned for the rest of the day (he must know I have a L appt because I TOLD HIM!) and he wanted to start on lunch. He also told me to be careful when driving because it started to snow. I think he is getting scared that I'll take him to the cleaners with the whole D thing.

Wow Crushed,

Quite a catch up!

You do sound like you are at peace within yourself, I am glad and think probably seeing the C for individual therapy for a bit is a good idea.

I believe seeing the C is helping me process things quicker than I would be on my own.

Hope your appt. goes well today.

Two things- I was right about OW being back in town and that was the reason why my SBXH HAD to go to work. Yup, I did slip and checked his phone - there were two txt message from her but he erased the ones he sent to her. Getting smarter? Maybe.

My L meeting was okay. We did the "case information" papers and he called his L to find out what is the hold up with the settlement agreement. Turns out that he will be mailing it out today so my guy will have it by Tue next week. Once he mails me a copy I'll make an appt and will go over it. I have a "phone hearing" with judge on Jan 25th (some new thing that they are doing to see where the things are at). I asked my L about how long before the D will be final once the settlement agreement is agreed on. He said that it might even be just a week. Hm...interesting. Also, turns out that we don't have to actually separate before the D. I don't want my SBXH to screw my credit report and I really need to make sure that I"m off the mortgage one way of the other before moving out. So that is another thing I have to ponder.

Journaling:

I was definitelly in the pissy mood when I came back from the L - SBXH was still sleeping and I just couldn't get comfortable. I kept thinking about all the hurt and of course my PMA went down the drain. He noticed and in turn got pissy himself. Feeding off each other I confronted him and of course we got to the R talk. The whole destroying things, shouting, etc happened all over again. He was so extremeley mad! It's like nothing has changed (which I knew anyway but one can always hope that at least the anger will start to subside). I threw it at him that he is lying to me to lie to himself, to convince himself about things (did not want to be specific though), he retaliated by screaming that he's been nothing but nice and supportive and all I do is twist it and hurt him with it. I told him that I know about the fact that the gifts he was working on for his family were still not finished yet he finished a gift for someone he sees EVERY FU$%*NG day and that shows where his priorities are. I also told him that I have a pretty good idea why he HAD to go to work on Friday despite the fact that he was still sick.

My statement about the gifts must have hit home because he suddenly got calmer and said that yes, he did some things out of hurt and pain but the trip to his family was therapeutic and he got some things straightened out. Whatever that means. Oh, also, after he kept talking about all the pain that I caused and still cause him, I flung at him that it's not easy to live with the knowledge that your H has a new person her loves and cherishes. He laughed at it saying that I am wrong etc. Yeah.....

So anyway, after breaking several things he calmed down enough to just sit on the floor. I started cleaning up, he wanted me to stop so he could do it. Long story short we both cleaned up the mess, I set him down saying: can I just tell you something?

During the fight he made a satement that "all was wasted" and that he "gave up and was a failure". I've been following thread of NSN and she wrote a letter to her H that she never mailed but which described exactly the R I had with my H- the problems, the pride, the pain. I decided to tell my H that he was not a failure, that he had to give up because I was not giving him anything to go on and that all was not wasted because he gave me 6.5 years of happiness (that including the long distance dating) and I hope that besides the pain I also gave him something else. On that note I left the room.

We did not go back to the talk that evening, just ordered Chinese and watched a movie. This morning though he got up before me and he was in pissy mood. I asked him what was wrong, he said that he is hungry, tired and still upset about last night's convo. I asked if there was anything I could do, he ignored it. That got me pissed. I went through the motions like a machine and suddenly noticed that we are back at where we started - not talking, angry.

I asked him to sit down so we could talk about it. He did but then he kept talking about something else and then got up to change his clothes. That was too much for me. I went to curl up in front of TV. He came after me and sat down to talk. I told him that it doesn't matter because he obviously doesn't care to hear what I have to say (I know, little childish).

Anyway, suddenly we had another R talk. This one was weird though. He again kept talking about everything being wasted, how much he tried to show me how he really was, how much love he had that he couldn't share with me because I wasn't listening. I validated but he wasn't convinced. Kept saying that he doesn't think I'll ever understand. He again talked about wanting to save the friendship but doesn't know if it will happen because of me. He said that he is still giving me everything that he can (totally got the idea of him making sure that it's just friendship not the R "everything"). I told him that I don't know if the F will work out based on our history, on the fact that he himself says that I'm the constant reminder for him of what happened. I told him that I will also need time to forgive myself for what I've done to him, for turning the wonderful man into what he is now (well, I did not say it exactly like that but you guys get a point).

There were couple of things that got me thinking though. Yesterday and today I mentioned that it's only a matter of couple of weeks before all is over (meaning the D) and he did not - neither time- make any comment on that. He also made a comment of not knowing if he can "trust me". Not sure what he meant by it. I'm itching to ask him to clarify that for me.

The last thing on the R subject that he said was to take a deep breath before reacting in anger towards him just as he will do towards me. HUH?

BTW: I have bronchitis and I'm currently on antibiotics. Both of us actually....fun fun fun!

Hi crushed,

Just stopping in to say "Hi." I don't have much to add except that I'm sorry you went through all that. I know it takes a lot out of a person and especially when you're not feeling well.

Take care - LR