For some time I've politely hinted the transmission in the car needs attention so on my last day at home I took it to the repair shop and guess what? Yep $4,000! Now past W complaints was she had to do stuff because I was traveling so I called and offered to come home and attend to the repair. W's response? "I don't need you to come home I can take care of it." Now I'm lost. What is it? You want me to care for the repair or not? Otherwise W goes black. No communication. Last visit she said her "life is trouble free until I come home and she emotes." Now, is it that my absence is more peaceful and my presence makes her re-live this agony she perceives? So am I making progess returning home and letting her emote while I validate her feelings or should I stay away? Help? P.S. Anyone know how I can rename this thread and move it to another forum?
I wish that I could help with your situation. In all honesty, I have no idea how to work with you on healing a long distance relationship.
I have no idea how your wife is really responding to your actions, and you can't see her face when you talk to her on the phone.
If I were asked what you would need to do to resolve your relationship, here is what I would tell you.
1) Hire a private investigator and find out what is going on with your wife.
2) Move home.
3) Immediately start counseling with a pro-marriage counselor with your wife, or if she won't go, then do it by yourself.
4) Get in charge of your finances. Divide up your financial obligations. Separate all checking accounts and credit cards.
5) Get to know your daughter. Spend time with her. Give her time with you so that she learns who you are, not who your wife is telling her you are.
6) Directly confront your wife about reconciling your marriage.
I mentioned a book to you several times. The reason I did that is because I think it contains information that you need to hear and understand.
I really wish you all the best. -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOPKins, Good to see you back and thanks for the ideas. Here's my answers to your thoughts:
1) Hire a private investigator and find out what is going on with your wife. Discussed with her and our joint "Pro" marraige C. No affair.
2) Move home.-no job
3) Immediately start counseling with a pro-marriage counselor with your wife, or if she won't go, then do it by yourself.-in process
4) Get in charge of your finances. Divide up your financial obligations. Separate all checking accounts and credit cards.- will do
5) Get to know your daughter. Spend time with her. Give her time with you so that she learns who you are, not who your wife is telling her you are.- last trip went to "In-n-Out" took her to do nails and hair for formal. Took her to baller audition all when I was home. I also pick her up from school. This is a long pull.
6) Directly confront your wife about reconciling your marriage.-done
I mentioned a book to you several times. I'm still traveling and ahve yet to see it in a book store. Wil order it on Amazon. Again Thanks
Quote: So am I making progess returning home and letting her emote while I validate her feelings or should I stay away? Help?
If you want to do anything constructive with your marriage, you have to be there. It's not just a matter of taking care of issues like car repair. That's small potatoes compared to what you need to do - which is to show her that you love her and to be willing to listen to her. You can't do that living in a different city.
I know finding another job close to home that will support you and your family in the manner to which you all are accustomed will be difficult. If your W was fully committed the two of you could talk about selling the house and relocating. But under the current circumstances, I think your only options are getting whatever job you can back home, or cutting your losses with your wife. You can't love her from where you are.
Quote: P.S. Anyone know how I can rename this thread and move it to another forum?
Just start a new thread on the other forum and post a link to the other thread here, and likewise, a link in your new thread to the old thread here. If you don't know how to do that, just start the new thread on the other forum, and post here where your new thread is going. I will post the links for you.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I found you TAG. I can open a new post for you on another thread if you like. What would you like to call it and what forum would you like it on? Have you considered the Mid Life Crisis forum? If you want to try yourself, go to the Main Index, scroll down to Open Forums, and click on the forum that you'd like to start in. Once open, click on post and a new message will pop up. You can name the subject at that point and write a message.
When you are looking in your favorites are you clicking on the part that says view all? I'm just checking because I know you said that you're not good at navigating yet.
Um, as far as any advice into your situation, I do think that the first step is for you to actively start applying for jobs in your home area. You have to try sometime and who knows how long it will take, so you should get started. Also, it is a good idea to write some goals for yourself so you know if you're moving in the right direction. Try to do that and post them for feedback.
I read a few times that you're struggling with 'why' questions and how to ask them differently. I like to think that I have a way with re-phrasing things, so if you'd like to ask a why question, you can post it and I can see if it would be helpful to re-word it.
And it's normal for a your W to take a step back when you get a positve. She's scared that she will allow herself to feel vulnerable to you again so she backs off. That's where your patiece comes in and holding on to the positives.
Does your D15 have an email address? I would think at her age that she would. That would be a good way to keep open communication between you and your D15. You can keep her up to date on what's happening in your life and hopefully get to hear some of what's happening in her life.
Thanks geneva, A lot of points to cover: Posting - I'd like WAWS forum entitled "Running on Empty II." How do I get this thread over to the new one? D15 email - sure does have email and I email her a few times a week. It's usually only a one way email though. Sometimes I get a few word response. Work - Either W moves here and we rent or I move there. But if I move there much collapses. First I don't have a job there and the house goes up for sale. But it gets worse D15 would have to move out of her HS and that's a move W just won't consider now. As for the Why's here's a few: 1. Why after busting my butt to install over $100,000 worth of landscaping improvements do I get "people who do it theirself are vain?" 2. Why after complaining I'm not home and she has to take care of things does W tell me don't come home to care for the car repair? 3. Why after putting my wedding ring back on on my own volition 2 years ago does W compain that I didn't put it back on 12 years ago? I originally took it off as a safety hazard. 4. Why does W rlive the alledged affair of 12 years ago and when I ask to air it out even with the C she refuses. She just uses it one-on-one with me. That's all for now. Thanks for all the insight!
TAGIII wrote: ---------- 1. Why after busting my butt to install over $100,000 worth of landscaping improvements do I get "people who do it theirself are vain?" ------------- Was W's mother the Queen of England, extremely rich, or recently spoiled. Sounds like your W needs a taste of reality paying for things with the money she earns.
Sorry no other help. just PO's me to hear someone complain about someone working to do what they like in the yard.
The better you treat some people, the more they complain. Sounds like being nice is not getting you anywhere. If you want your W's attention, quit sending money home.
-------------- Posting - I'd like WAWS forum entitled "Running on Empty II." How do I get this thread over to the new one. -------------- You can only copy the address at the top of the page to where you want people to see the link on the other forum. There is also a way to make a short link somewhere on the BB. You can also make a condensed version of your important posts by copying them from here to a wordprocessor and post a summary of all your posts. Other ways to do it, but no moving/transfering this thread on this forum to WAW's
Okay TAG, I'll get that started for you tomorrow and I'll put a link in it to this thread too.
I hear you on why you can't move there without a job, that's why I suggested that you start looking now. I understand that you can't go back until you find one and since you don't know how long that will take, it's best to start putting your resume out to some headhunters in your home area.
I'll have some suggestions on how to ask your W those 'why' questions. I would do it tonight, but I'm too tired. Sorry. I'll do one so you can get an idea on where I'm going with it.
2. Why after complaining I'm not home and she has to take care of things does W tell me don't come home to care for the car repair?
"W, I'm a little confused as to what you meant when you wanted me to take of things because I thought I could take care of the car repair for you. Is there something specific that you need done?
You may not get the response you're looking for the first few times you try this approach because it's new and she'll be confused by it. But it is a much gentler approach than a 'why' because it doesn't sound accusatory.
OG, Who knows? I sense buying landscaping shows a sense of dependency and doing it shows control? I always thought doing work yourself showed creativity, dedication, and humility. But maybe W sees me too much in the limelight? She hears "I did this" not "we." Thanks
