thank you for enlightening me as to the depth of your knowledge on this issue. Seems our combined genius still hasn't helped TAG get this thread in his favorites, which was really my main goal.
I really don't want to have a flame war with you on his thread. Seems counter to all of our goals, is it not?
DinWa and NOP I look at both of your post as educational to the other readers like me who know a little, but not much at times, and want to know more how things operate.
There are still others that say they do not want to learn ANYTHING, and say keep quiet about all that technical stuff. They just want to run a program or two. Some can't even turn a computer off or on. I work with them every week.
This is a public forum with many levels of knowledge and interests. Take what you can use, leave the rest behind. No complaining. Many people put in a lot of work into their post. Appreciate their efforts.
OG Lou Started with a Commador VIC-20 back in 1906(humor intended), just migrated to Win XP. I repair laser printers (10 years)
A busy day for me and short posts can come across very heavy-handed. Not intended.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
TAGIII wrote ------- I've returned to the USA and went to movie and dinner with W last night. I'm not sure if we are progressing or regressing. Dinner was devoid of old complaints. But she was distant. Counselor says in phone conversation W has same feelings. Most of her conversation tends to be critical. Maybe I'm thick but I'm not sensing progress or maybe I'm plum worn out? ---------------- {Maybe I'm thick but I'm not sensing progress} progress={Dinner was devoid of old complaints} Reduction of attacks and complaints. (But she was distant) I think she said she did not want to see much of you. Progress= W went to dinner with you. {I'm plum worn out?} progress= W is willing to see you and lets you do the majority of the R work. Yes it is tiring to feel like you are the only one doing the R work.
You just got back! Do not expect W to go from attacking you to loving you. Re-establishing good feelings between you two most likely will take a long time in your time reference. The books say it takes a month for every year that your W "said" she was unhappy to heal the M. And do not expect to have the old M back. You are getting a new negoiated M most likely. What ever that entails?
OG Lou. Been at this a year. Some huggs and kisses are being returned. Over all W is more pleasant and somewhat happier.
OG_Lou, Wow, in the words of Rodney King "Can't we all get along?" I'm trying to save a marriage and there's a cat fight about software on mt thread! Yesterday around noon came the explosion. We went back to the past and all my mistreatments. A new revelation was as I expected; a resentment of the readings, counseling, and Mission I completed. Reason? I'm "using these like I do a marathon. To show W I just won't quit. You're doing this because you see you are losing everything." To which I replied, I guess I can see why you would see it that way. That was my past behavior and that behavior at times hurt you. My effort now is about changing those behaviors. It hurts me to hear that my effort to manage my anger is perceived as a tactic to get what I want. Her rage continued. She's emoting but I can't seem to find a way to channel it to problem solving. For example, she doesn't think I find her beautiful which is the farthest from the truth. I've told her over the years how beautiful she was but her frame of reference is past TV appearances by bikini clad beauties and I'll make some comment like "look at that!" I don't watch porn, in any way, not TV, not Internet, not in magazines. Any thoughts on ways to move beyond wallowing in the past?
Quote: Her rage continued. She's emoting but I can't seem to find a way to channel it to problem solving.
At this point I would advise to you just sit and listen without defending yourself AT ALL. Just affirm her anger and say you understand why she feels that way and you are sorry. Don't get into how you're trying to change things, or how you plan to be different, etc. Just let her empty herself completely... you just stand there and take whatever she dishes out, no matter how unjust, no matter how much it hurts... you continue to be present completely and full of compassion. You must respect the place where she is. You must reach inside yourself and remember a time when you felt that bad about something and just let her pummel you. For as long as it takes. No defenses. No complaining. What she has to say will not kill you. Listen very carefully. Don't try to "channel" anything. She's in the driver's seat and she needs to take the vehicle where she needs it to go. Do you trust her enough to do this?
TAGIII wrote --------------------------- I've told her over the years how beautiful she was but her frame of reference is past TV appearances by bikini clad beauties and I'll make some comment like "look at that!" ---------------------------
TSGIII, If your w is convinced she is less beautiful or she thinks you think she is less beautiful than someone else, trying to convince her she is beautiful is a waste of time.
If this subject came up in a retional conversation with mt W, I would ask her where "she thinks" she fits in in the beauty scale (1 to 10 or 1 to 100 scale) compared to some females your W's age that you both know. Let it be her decision where she fits in. Ask her where she wants to be and how good or bad she feels for not being there.
My personal preference for precived beauty is perty flexable. Clean, friendly, how they treat people in genersl, not grossly over weight, not some facial norm.
From the rest of your post, it almost sounds like your W is trying to drive you away. My question is WHY? Is she the new Gloria Steinam (sp), Does she have OM? Is she convinced women are better off W/O a H. Mental unballance? She will have to work through those issues. It would be nice if you knew.
I have a FM friend that is older than me. I asked her what she liked and disliked about relationships. She said, corrdinating things like meals, doing things together where you both want to do something. were problems. She wants to come and go w/o consulting anyone, same with meals (time, amount, type of food) when her motivation is at that point where people make decisions. She wants to read when she feels like it and as long as she wants to and not consider anyone else's needs or feel guilty for ignoring someone. She did say a companion is nice to have when traveling.
I think LillePerl has some good insight.
------- I'm trying to save a marriage and there's a cat fight about software on mt thread ----------- I do not see it as a cat fight. Computer things and software is soooo complicated no one can know everything, and it is constantly changing. Just two guys see something a little differently.
Lilliperl; No problem with trust. She's hurting and as a husband I am compelled to help. I'm getting better at taking whatever she dishes out. I just wonder when it turns. Thanks
