I've been getting some of that controlling stuff too from my W. An example of it ,she told me, was when she went shopping and took out her wallet. She mistakingly took out a credit card and she told her friend that "H would rather I use a debit card instead of a credit card". Her friend asked why do you let your H control you like that. Does this sound petty to you? I know I may be treading on thin ice here but why does it always seem like the W claims the H to be controlling, when you rarely hear the H complain of the W being controlling. Isn't a marriage a team effort on both parts.
Quote: I've been getting some of that controlling stuff too from my W. An example of it ,she told me, was when she went shopping and took out her wallet. She mistakingly took out a credit card and she told her friend that "H would rather I use a debit card instead of a credit card". Her friend asked why do you let your H control you like that. Does this sound petty to you? I know I may be treading on thin ice here but why does it always seem like the W claims the H to be controlling, when you rarely hear the H complain of the W being controlling. Isn't a marriage a team effort on both parts.
In your case your wife's friend accused you of being controlling. Did your wife agree with her friend's assessment? I'm a big stickler for NOT allowing friends to make disparaging remarks about my husband. It's like growing up with siblings - *you* may whack 'em over the head on a regular basis or loudly point out their perceived shortcomings, but no one outside the family gets to do that.
Regarding the credit card/debit card thing - did you and your wife previously agree that using the debit card was preferable to using a credit card? Or did you make the announcement ex cathedra?
If it was based on discussion that reached a mutual decision, then that's a team effort. If you unilaterally established the standard, then yes, that can be seen as controlling. This does not take into account spouses who may have proven fiscally squirrely.
Right, it was her friend suggesting it, but this "friend" has been like poison to our marriage. All other family and friends are 100% for us. This "friend" wants my W to leave and "take care" of her, like a big sister/mother. My w didn't at first think it was controlling, but this friend has a lot of influence on my w. Oh, since w likes that I take care of all the finaces, investing, bill paying, I suggested or asked to use the debit card so we would pay as you go. It makes more sense and w can and does use a credit card at times. I have never argued or fought over it. BTW, this "friend" has a couple of credit cards that are in her mothers name. She has maxed them both out, so why is my wife taking financial advise from her?
allrightboy wrote {{BTW, this "friend" has a couple of credit cards ...... She has maxed them both out, so why is my wife taking financial advise from her?}}
Some people want validation for what they believe to be true, for taking the easy way, or the auto pilot way.
A stranger told W not to listen to my wishes concerning a 125# dog my W was looking at from the animal rescue at PerSmart store. W already had 3 dogs, 6 cats, and 2 large birds. We origionally went to PerSmart to by cat a litter box. Ten minuets later we had a 125# dog and a litter box. So instant stranger validation does happen.
TAG, I also think there are some successful stories that just aren't posted. Some sitchs improve and the person may have stopped posting the positive progress. After all, people come to this board generally to vent their frustrations and ask for advice with problems. No one is coming here to say how peachy keen their marriage is. I have noticed a few posters who've had their marriages improved and they seem to have vanished. I'm sure that if things were bad, they would still be here.
Thanks DinWa, I'lll click "Add this thread..." again and see what happens. If it shows I'll leave it alone. Regrading your questions: Contributing behaviors: 1. Ccontrolling behavior - getting W to do something she doesn't want to do. It gets tough here because she didn't voice objection. 2. Silent treatment - got mad clammed up 3. Rage - sometimes went balistic 4. Jealous - thought she should drop everything for me Goals: 1.Anger mgt - done 2.Journal - ongoing 3.Prayer- daily 4.Read book / week - ongoing 5.Exercise reguraly - ongoing 6.Save this marriage - dicey at best right now Ciao
It's like growing up with siblings - *you* may whack 'em over the head on a regular basis or loudly point out their perceived shortcomings, but no one outside the family gets to do that.
You reminded me of something I learned early in the process of addressing SSM: it's not nice to air dirty laundry in public. When my frustration with my M was boiling over a while back, I started lokking for someone I could talk to about the problem: friends, neighbors, my brother. They would listen but they seemed eager to change the subject, and they did not reciprocate with stories of their own marriages. At first I thought my friends/brother were holding back and refusing to be helpful, but now I see it otherwise. By their lack of enthusiasm, they were informing me that it was not appropriate for me to be telling them these things. That my own brother responded this way was a little disappointing: if you can't confide in your brother then who? Well, the SSM board! Also, one female cousin has been helpful, too.
Do women have an easier time finding confidants? I assumed that my W was scheming with her friends to cause me grief, but I'm not sure anymore.
Quote: Right, it was her friend suggesting it, but this "friend" has been like poison to our marriage. All other family and friends are 100% for us. This "friend" wants my W to leave and "take care" of her, like a big sister/mother. My w didn't at first think it was controlling, but this friend has a lot of influence on my w. Oh, since w likes that I take care of all the finaces, investing, bill paying, I suggested or asked to use the debit card so we would pay as you go. It makes more sense and w can and does use a credit card at times. I have never argued or fought over it. BTW, this "friend" has a couple of credit cards that are in her mothers name. She has maxed them both out, so why is my wife taking financial advise from her?
Her financial "advice" isn't really the dagger. The dagger is that your wife is allowing her to say disparaging remarks about you that (apparently) aren't justified. And rather than countering her friend with the truth, she allows her friend to color her own perception of you, her husband.
So, when you suggested that you both use debit cards rather than credit cards did your wife agree or did she remain silent? If she remained silent, then you may need to discuss it again listing out your reasons for preferring debit cards and find out if you wife agrees. Secondly, if credit cards are an option that can be used, the two of you should determine what the criteria for a credit card purchase should be. Depending on the status of your finances, credit card purchases/limits should be established. Once the two of you have determined that together, then there is no place for the friend or your wife to cry "control!" Because you can point out that the two of you had a discussion, these were the agreements that you arrived at, so what's the issue.
Paul, I'm an intensely private person. Coming from an alcoholic family, I have an ingrained sense of keeping family stuff within the family. I learned a long time ago, that if you didn't tell anyone your problems, then you never had to worry about them being passed around to the public at large as some sort of warning parable.
I think I'm extreme, so I don't know if my preferences should be used as a gauge.
I do think you have to choose your confidants wisely. And I do think that most people going through a difficult time need *someone* to talk to. The down side of sharing marital horror stories with family, is if the family member you're confiding in isn't mature enough to handle an ongoing relationship with the in-law when/if the relationship continues or actually improves. Sometimes family members who love you have a hard time doing that.
If you're going through a bad time maritally, I don't think it's inappropriate to have a family member as a sounding board, but if you don't already have a somewhat close relationship with that family member, the discomfort may arise from the lack of relationship. I have been the confidant of a couple whose marriage didn't just fall apart, it exploded...over a period of two years. Most of their acquaintances chose sides, we just tried to be there for both of them. It was uncomfortable at times, but that may have been a reaction to the extreme emotional turmoil they were expressing.
It's a generic observation that women are more open for conversations regarding relationships than are men. I've never been a girly-girl in that sense, so I wouldn't know for sure.
