Feeling good about completing my assignments for the day, so here I am, taking the opportunity to reflect a little. An interesting quote in my inbox today has triggered this little tangent....
Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Carl Sandburg
So, how have I spent the past year? Although I first registered here in mid-Feb, seems like it took me another 5 weeks to launch my own thread Interestingly, my first set of goals still apply - what does that say about progress
1. Slow down, cultivate patience, expect less. This is a big one for me, as I’ve always been in a hurry, and the take charge type (just to save time). I'll know this is achieved when H has to step in and take charge more often. When I do not have disappointments because expectations (often unspoken) are unmet Progress here is HUGE. I feel myself more relaxed, and able to sit comfortably with the unresolved.
2. Stretch and meditate everyday – this is good for my physical, mental and emotional well being Yoga helps, I have some specific asana targets.
3. Enjoy the moment – H has never left me, and vows never will, has consistently maintained this to OW. So, I need to make the most of this. Need to identify what was good everyday, and journal Apart from the sporadic wigging out episodes, doing pretty well here
4. Shower H with attention during work day – my previous silence seems to be a source of H not feeling loved We both work from home unless travelling, and even then, we have managed to sync travel. In fact, I worry there is too much togetherness
5. Affirm feel good moments with H – this will take work. We’ve both in the past been the strong silent types, lots of words seen as a bit ‘wet’ – must change this! Doing well here - I reckon NG gets to hear positives at least twice a day - lucky dog
I notice that although NG has been miserly with his words, he is definitely loading on the physical touch. He holds my hands when we are walking about shopping, I get pulled across closer to him when we are watching tv, and if we are not cuddling in sleep, we are at least holding hands. This is far more contact that we used to have, and I love it, and tell him so. Just wondering if he is wanting to do 'different' things with me - nothing that reminds him of the time with ow.
I'm not sure I'm ready to go through all my past threads ala Sage, but was curious to see how I may have changed since last March...
Hi Slowly! I'm sorry you've been low lately, but you seems to have really pulled yourself up by the bootstraps! I have to say, some of NG's behaviors totally resonate with me, as they are very similar to S's. Having difficulty saying please and thank you (S. has a really hard time apologizing, as well), difficulty with acknowledging things (S. hardly ever acknowledges my e-mails if there's nothing to respond to, like an explicit question), general guilt causing withdrawal...
I think it's agonizingly hard to deal with (as do you, I gather), and I admire the way you have managed to look within rather than lash out at NG. One thing I do think you could do better is loving detachment, and as an actionable extension of that, I would agree that not always accompanying NG on his business trips may be a good idea. But rather than coming up with an excuse not to go, why not just let him know you'd like some space to yourself around the house? Would this wound him? or could you do it in a way that he would understand?
Could you clarify one thing? When NG said he had to run to a meeting, then you met for lunch anyway, how did that come about? Did you assume that his meeting meant no lunch, and it didn't mean that at all? Or did he arrange his schedule at the last minute to accommodsate his promise of lunch? And if you did indeed have lunch together as planned, why were you still upset (on into dinner)?
Hi Jennifer - Its grand to see you in this neck of the woods again
Quote: Could you clarify one thing? When NG said he had to run to a meeting, then you met for lunch anyway, how did that come about? Did you assume that his meeting meant no lunch, and it didn't mean that at all? Or did he arrange his schedule at the last minute to accommodsate his promise of lunch? And if you did indeed have lunch together as planned, why were you still upset (on into dinner)?
Its actually his manner of communicating in vague terms - he never used to be this way before the a. Its a style he has cultivated, to say as ittle as possible to maximise wiggle room. Sooo, when he says he is off on a meeting, then turns up for lunch, assuming I'll be available, it annoys me that I am available That particular day, I was just looking forward to some 'me' time, so yes, I was available. It just put me in a mood for the rest of the day, bad dbing, I know.
Here is my dilemma - I'm very happy GAL, which I gather left him lonely, and ripe for ow's attention. Its at the center of my fear of doing my own thing too much - how sad is that?
Something I've noticed with NG lately and wondered if there was a translation available.
Anytime I ask a question that is beyond the utterly mundane, his stock answer is 'Why are you asking that?" It seems to me he wants to be aware of the motive behind the question. Frankly its driving me nuts. Sometime I just say never mind and move on - though I'm fairly sure that's not his intent.
I had to leave for work very early yesterday, and at 9 am NG calls me for a chat. This is new - I was over the moon - usually I'm the one responsible for maintaining contact while one of us travels.
Anytime I ask a question that is beyond the utterly mundane, his stock answer is 'Why are you asking that?" It seems to me he wants to be aware of the motive behind the question. Frankly its driving me nuts. Sometime I just say never mind and move on - though I'm fairly sure that's not his intent.
Well...have you been asking a lot of questions lately? Is there a hint of something behind the questions that you're asking?
At one point during the bomb dropping phase h told me that every question I asked him felt like an inquisition. So, I stopped asking questions...including the mundane! It was an enormously hard habit to break for me (and even though I'm now a lot more comfortable asking questions he still gets a bit terse and lets me know if I'm asking too many!). Anyway...when I stopped...I realized that while sometimes "what did you eat for lunch" meant just that...at other times it meant "where were you for lunch" -- you know? There was a tacit querying or dare I say, inquisition type element to my questions. No doubt my h was picking up on that and overlaying each and every question with that nuance.
Do you feel like you could stop asking stuff for a while?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Do you feel like you could stop asking stuff for a while?
This is a goal I need to flesh out for myself, too. I have a tendency to be way too analytical, and constantly ask "why....". I think I use it as a defense mechanism. Could this possibly be what's going on with you, Slowly?
Pardon the rhetoric here, but maybe you need to ask yourself why you ask so many questions in the first place, instead of just focusing on the present, and what's being presented to you. Take it at face value and let it go?
Quote: Its a style he has cultivated, to say as ittle as possible to maximise wiggle room.
Could this possibly mean that you nail him down too much, and he has cultivated this loosey-goosey style to cope? Of course, my fingers are pointing right back at me...
What you say makes sense Of course, to me, its just normal conversation. By the way, he asks me more questions than I do of him - so I guess I'm feeling out of sorts on that... But, I get the message, don't pin him down, give him more space. I'll negotiate for more space for myself too
An interesting 180 in our lives. Yesterday, we had to run an errand in a part of town that was unfamiliar. Normally, once we get in the car, its my 'job' to open the map and navigate. This time, NG got the map before I could even settle down - a very pleasant surprise - he plotted the route and all. (it was longer than one I would have taken, but I was happy just to go along with his suggestion )
I find the more I let go, the more I'm enjoying life Slowly
Quote: This time, NG got the map before I could even settle down - a very pleasant surprise - he plotted the route and all.
This is great! Did you affirm him in some way for doing this? Show your appreciation?
Quote: I find the more I let go, the more I'm enjoying life
That's what I find to be one of the great paradoxes of life. The less we try to control, the more control we actually have (e.g. you want to enjoy life ~> you stop trying to control what others do in order to find enjoyment ~> you find more enjoyment!) Isn't that great! Yay Slowly!
Thanks for the feedback, Martha. Yeah, NG got the message that I appreciated his efforts in figuring out where we were going
Another little interesting episode. We were at a friends' place last night for drinks, and at one point, as she was regaling us with her drama of the day, NG's expression turned 'bored' - well, she just snapped and went at him, suggesting that he was not interested, he should not bother visiting. Fortunately, her H bailed us all out, and I squeezed NG's hand in comfort. When we got home, he started to discuss how taken aback he was at her outburst, didn't everyone know he has a habit of drifting off etc. To be honest, this used to be something that would upset me, but lately, I've just learned to move on and do my own thing when his attention meanders. It can be very hurtful though, when the person you are engaging with exhibits such blatant disinterest. I was also amazed that he concluded that this was a problem he has
For the most part, we are managing to co-exist as intimate friends. For now, it seems to be sufficient. Sometimes I do wonder when we'll feel truly connected again, if ever
Interestingly, my first set of goals still apply - what does that say about progress 
Slowly
That particular day, I was just looking forward to some 'me' time, so yes, I was available. It just put me in a mood for the rest of the day, bad dbing, I know. 
Of course, to me, its just normal conversation. By the way, he asks me more questions than I do of him - so I guess I'm feeling out of sorts on that... But, I get the message, don't pin him down, give him more space. I'll negotiate for more space for myself too 
Slowly
