You probably won't remember this but you were one of the first people to post to me on this site. I learned the first dbing lessons from you. And I followed your threads for ages and ages.
In some ways I found it off putting I must say. You were so patient and I just felt that I couldn't do what you were doing. You are an inspiration!
Having said that you've worked so hard at all of this and you know that it involves two people and it IS a roller coaster. Right now you feel that things aren't going well.....maybe they're not. But it's all part of the roller coaster of life. Don't feel too down and never forget what you HAVE achieved.
I just wanted to tell you what was in my mind....hope you don't mind.
Hi Mojo - Thank you so much for stopping by, and I really value your feedback. Yes, it is a roller coaster, and yes, I do need to let go a little the intensity of dbing. Frankly, I'm driving myself insane I'm just feeling so vulnerable right now, with all the hurt re-surfacing. Just trying to sit it out.
Quote: It seems to me that the hormones involved in phases 1 and 2 have a lot to do with the 'uncertainty' of the other person's feelings. Alas, in a long term relationship, there is inevitably greater understanding, and therefore some of the excitement of conquest, of discovery, is just not there.
Reality, I guess.
Exellent point – which is why the LBS spouse is often thrown back into Phase two her/himself. You end up with a WA and an LBS both in Phase two, just directed towards different people. No wonder it’s so difficult.
But whether the WA leaves or stays, he eventually has to move into stage three and feel comfortable there if he’ll have a long-term relationship with anybody. Your NG seems to have a wee bit difficulty adjusting – but actually I think that’s normal, albeit very frustrating. Have you tried “asking for what you want”? On your anniversary, when he was e-mailing and you were cooking, what would have happened if you had called him on it? In a laughing, loving way? As in “hey lover boy, I’m getting a bit lonely up here. Come and talk to me” …. Or some variation of that that you’re comfortable with.
Often they need to be reminded, ehm, more than once. My h used to have this habit of getting up from the table before I was done …. drove me bonkers. I don’t know how many times I had to “lovingly call him on it” before he “got it”.
Pen, whistling something resembling “men are like dogs”……..
Quote: Often they need to be reminded, ehm, more than once. My h used to have this habit of getting up from the table before I was done …. drove me bonkers. I don’t know how many times I had to “lovingly call him on it” before he “got it”.
Pen, whistling something resembling “men are like dogs”……..
Ahhh - I'm getting frustrated because I have asked and he has not responded - and of course, I need to, as you say, playfully, keep at it. Because when I do, he does respond. Duh.
But you know, I guess I need to also be less available. He does not get the opportunity to miss me enough. He has an out of town trip on Fri that he assumes I'll be accompanying him on, I guess I have another meeting right here. This will be interesting.
I actually do ask for what I want, but he says that he feels pressurized then. Oy!
Slowly, as your username implies - we have to go slowly (but surely, 'eh!). I keep telling myself to have patience, and I am not famous for that, so it is a learning thing for me.
I still wonder if it's all worth it though.
BTW, thanks for posting on my thread. I get so little time to come on the bb, that I don't post very often on others, although I do read many of the posts - and learn a lot from them.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Slowly, thanks for posting to me. I get so much from what you write. Thank you.
Quote: I guess I need to also be less available
Maybe physically available, but emotionally available you must be (do I sound like Yoda??). Previously, you were talking about the intimacy receding. If you don't like it, change it. Open yourself to him emotionally. Confide your worries, not about the R, but about your job, your weight, your age, your mother, whatever. Not whining (or as our UK friends say, "whinging") or complaining, but intimate confiding. Lead by example and show him how to be in relationship with you. How would you feel about giving that a try?
Quote: Maybe physically unavailable, but emotionally available you must be
I've been observing our dynamics these past 2 days, and I do think this balance of physical proximity and emotional connection needs to be watched. Seems to me the more together we are physically, the less emotional connection there is. Hmmm.
And yes, he does share a lot more of himself, emotionally. Yeah, I should stop complaining and just keep doing what works
Hi BeingMe - Yes, slowly is actually very difficult for me - I've made good progress this past year Today NG is doing all the little chores that I was getting frustrated about last week. Thankfully I kept my mouth zipped, and he has gotten around to things, in his own time, of course. Interesting Cainercast today:
Criticisms are contagious. You only need to introduce one to a seemingly satisfactory situation and suddenly, you'll find you have a hundred. Doubts and misgivings breed like rabbits - or perhaps, not so much like rabbits but like single-cell amoebas. You don't need a pair to create a colony; you can do it with just one. Happily, positive thoughts can be just as powerful. Be careful what you spark off today.
My wonder-goals need some revision. I'm going to enjoy everyday. Period. If NG is able to join me, then great. Otherwise, I'll still have a lot to be joyful about. Today is all about engaging with some very interesting colleagues. Tomorrow, after a client meeting, I have a facial planned.
I've lost 2 lbs in the past week - wahoo. My comrades who started the year with good intentions have deserted their goals, so in terms of fitness, I'm on my own here This month, I'm focusing on my pecs - I'm not sure I have any
I was just wondering, have you been able to share with NG any of the ideas of the Love Languages books? Just the idea that what may not be important to him (say, card and gift exchanges), MAY well be important to you, and that we all need to try to give people what they want, not just what we feel like giving?
One of my friends loves schmalzy, IMO, hideously twee Hallmark style cards, and I don't. But when choosing a card for her, I just steal myself and get the kind I think she would like. I have done this for years, and she loves them. It didn't really click that this works for most things, not just cards. And not just matters of 'taste'.
Many guys are just not that into card giving, leaving notes, little gifts, marking special occasions etc. Is NG one of those, or has he just changed recently?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I'm just feeling so vulnerable right now, with all the hurt re-surfacing. Just trying to sit it out. 
My h used to have this habit of getting up from the table before I was done …. drove me bonkers. I don’t know how many times I had to “lovingly call him on it” before he “got it”.
Slowly 
This month, I'm focusing on my pecs - I'm not sure I have any