Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE About feeling sexy...

Jenny,
I totally agree with this post.
I too went to a high school reunion this year and looked great. Even though I was six mos preg at the time, I looked nice. A girlfriend of mine mailed some pictures of the party to me a few weeks afterwards and I briefly thought about keeping them from my husband. The reason? I looked smashin! There was something about me that night and I suppose it is that hard-to-define quality of sexiness.

I was in shape, had taken pains to make myself look good, had on a new shirt (hey it doesn't take much to improve my outlook, lol) and would be seeing people who had once found me attractive as a young girl.

So to answer your question CoGal, yes, it is extremely hard to continue to feel sexy when your mate doesn't recognize this about you.
I felt tons better about myself when I got in shape, got well fitting clothes and took care of myself (things like nice smelling soap or whatever).

Also, my husband agreed to work on things with me and began showing signs that he, too, found me attractive.

Could I have done it with a husband who refused to see me as sexy?
Probably not.
Not because I am so fused with him, but because of the opposite: My self esteem would have continued to erode if I had ALLOWED MYSELF to be treated that way. Taking back control of my own sex life empowered me. Allowing him to not work on things and basically have no repercussions for his behavior is eroding more than your sexiness. Kwim?

The feelings of empowerment made me feel just as sexy on the inside as taking care of myself on the outside did.

HP

The type of growth you will experience if you successfully work through all of *this* ssm crap will lead you to a point where you don't let your spouse's behavior define anything about you. I've felt this change over the past year and it feels pretty good.

Getting to that point has required some pretty hard work but one of the one things that made huge impact came from the first minute of my first C session.

C: "Do you go by Dave or David?"
Me: "Oh, I don't care".
C: "Why not?"

I've worked very hard at "liking" the person that I am but I've had to spend a lot of time trying to figure out just who "I" am.
Step 1 - "Is this really *me* ?"
Step 2 - "Yes it is...I'm ok with it".
Step 3 - "Hey W, this is who I am"
Step 4 - "Hey world, this is who I am"

As I take various personal attributes through these 4 steps, I'm finding a sense of "inner peace" and it's getting easier as I go. I think this is "differentiation". It's helping me outside the marriage in a big way. I'm perceiving other people in a completely new way and am generally more confident now.

All:

A commnent on Dave's post here. This may sound really simple (who I am, what makes ME happy). It is anything but. Not because these are mind benders or anything, but I bet very few have taken the time to do this.

My shrink did the same thing to me, though not in the same way it happened with Dave. The thing that bothered me most was I couldn't answer the questions!!! Not because I lack the ability, but because I had never, ever taken the time to figure this out. I guess I just always floated down the river and went where life took me, tried to make the best of it. Who am I? What do I like? What do I not like?

So I started figuring it out. Folks, this may sound simplistic, but it is shocking to find out just how much you don't know about yourself. Now, I have an opinion on darn near everything (shocking, I know, but true), but I was really, utterly floored when I realized I had next to no opinions about myself in terms of what **I** liked independent of family, friends and colleagues.

And this goes for EVERYTHING. Do I like the toliet paper roll to go over the top, or come from the bottom? Does the lid being up really bother ME? Do **I** really like broccoli, or do I eat it because I always have?

Do I do x, y, z because I LIKE to do it, or because I think I SHOULD like it? Do I do things because I want to do them, or because I don't want to feel guilty about NOT doing them? Why do I feel guilty? Is that how I want to feel, or is that connected with some past memory/situation that is still influencing me?

And even when I came across mundane things (I prefer the toliet paper going over the top), just stating to myself that it was MY preference and I acknowledged it and owned it, did I gradually find the peace of which Dave speaks.

It changes you, and your spouse notices.

Corri

This has been a real eye opener for me. I have never really thought about what "I" like, or want either. I have always "gone with the flow" so to speak. Oh, I have always known I wanted a happy marriage and relationship, but never in terms of specifics. maybe I will take the time and really think about this. Thanks

Annette

I am in total agreement with Dave and Corri. ANY improvement you see in your relationship will be a direct reflection of improvements you've made within yourself. If your spouse doesn't make similar improvements within him/herself, your relationship may end, but you will still feel good about yourself. Fortunately, I think it's more likely than not that your spouse will rise to the challenge, but maybe not in the manner or along the timeframe that you had in mind. For instance, my H has responded to my improved physical appearance with more improvement in expressing affection than improvement in expressing himself sexually. This has caused me a bit of confusion because it was the equivalent of going to market to exchange wheat for beef and getting offered sugar instead. OTH, I like some sugar too, so this improvement in his behavior did add value to the relationship for me.

Corri,

You've really touched something in me with this post, but right now I'm realy not sure just what it is. I'll freely admit that I've pretty much just floated down the river of life and tried to make the best of what it offered up. I guess I'm still there.

It's easy to blame everything on your FOO, but I think a good part of why I'm this way has to do with my upbringing as a military brat. We moved every year. By the time I graduated from high school, I had lived in five countries and gone to thirteen different schools. I had absolutely no control over any of this, so I responded by learning to adapt. Moreover, I learned to be happy with whatever was the current status quo. It doesn’t matter if the toilet paper goes over the top or the bottom; I’m happy either way. To revisit an old subject, it doesn’t matter where we go to eat. Well over 99% of the time I really don’t care; I would be equally happy with Wendy’s or Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, or Souper Salad. The point is, I really don’t care. I live in Texas, but I would be equally happy living in North Dakota, or Romania, or Thule, Greenland, or on Diego Garcia. I pretty much make the best of whatever sitch I’m in at the time.

This has always served me well. Or maybe I should say that I’ve always thought that it served me well. I’m pretty comfortable anywhere. I’m not the least bit concerned with keeping up with the Joneses. I’m never the odd man out saying, “but I don’t like Thai food” when the rest of the group wants Thai food. I’m not wishy-washy; I’m just honestly able to be happy with whatever life hands me.

But now you’ve got me thinking. Am I still the child adapting to whatever life, my parents, and the Air Force throw at me? Do I really need to change that? Do I need to do this self-discovery thing you and Dave are talking about? Would it help me? How? Would it help my M? My kids?

I love this place.

Wildebube

Wild,

As a former "Navy brat" I know what you are speaking of. I can also be "happy" in whatever context I am in at the time because that was how I coped as a child. However, I have watched my Mom face a cancer dx and learn to state preferences as she NEVER had before and I have re-evaluated the importance of occupying your own space.

I AM a sexual being - whether or not my spouse notices or cares or not. I AM an attractive woman. I AM a caring spouse whether or not our sex life goes according to my preferences or not. I AM many things - frankly, some of them aren't so great. The point is that I am working on owning my sexuality in such a way as not to feel that I have to mask it or apologize for it. H can be part of it or not but I can still be sexy. The hard part is learning to HOM when he doesn't seem to notice or care.

Karen

I'm also an Air Force brat and had 43 addresses before the age of 40. Since 40, I've had three (I'm 56 now.) I can adapt and be happy anywhere. This willingness to adapt has enabled me to get used to and excuse behavior from others that I should not have tolerated. I'm finally figuring that out. Duh.

It seems like a large contingency of the HD folk on the board either had unstable childhoods to which they had to adapt cheerfully or (like me) they were born with a sort of ADD-like cheerful space cadet personality. I was watching a report about Martha Stewart in prison the other day and I was wondering how she was coping and it dawned on me that I could probably be reasonably happy in a prison environment . It's a good thing that I have no tendencies towards a life of crime.