New year update. First things first. No, I didn't ML during my vacation. Spent the first 3 days staying at my W's grandparent's house, so I didn't expect anything anyway. We got along fine, had a nice time with her family. Then drove to our secluded cabin on a frozen lake in the Northwoods of Wisconsin. Yes, we had our DD3 with us, but I have to say it had lots of romantic potential. A roaring fire, comfy bed, no need to be anywhere specific.
Every time I would do the least bit of "initiating," it would be firmly rebuffed. And when I say, "initiating," I'm talking about placing a hand on a hip or a shoulder while in bed. That's it. I consciously did not "push it" beyond that, because I seem to be stuck in my "no pressure" zone.
That "no pressure" zone, combined with the lack of intimate encounters with my W over the past few years, has led to some basic anxiety in me that makes me retreat to the safe place I'm in when I roll over and just go to sleep. I know that it would be fruitless to push her further. In the morning, I found that it was a relief when our daughter would call out "Mommy!" over the baby monitor, and our alone time would end.
The title of this post refers to the following event, which occurred on December 31. We were having a very nice dinner at a restaurant, at about 6:30pm. She said that after DD3 went to bed, she'd like to stay up late, maybe play Scrabble, and then, "maybe something else." This last reference was, I'm pretty sure, a suggestion about sex, as it was coupled with a demure eyebrow-raise. I say that I was "pretty sure," because, well, I'm just not used to her saying anything the least bit suggestive.
During the 25 minute drive home, she even put her hand on my upper thigh, which she hasn't done in months, (and which had an immediate reaction in me, which she probably did not notice, as it was dark.)
We got back to the cabin and I took the dogs out for a short walk (yes, we took two dogs with us), and came back inside. She was in her flannel night gown, and said that she was SOOO tired.
She went to bed at 8:45pm. Me and DD3 stayed up until about 10, then I put her to bed. I went up to bed about 10:15 to a snoring wife.
The next morning, she laughingly apologized to me for being a party pooper.
On the drive home yesterday, she talked about wanting to move up there in the next 10 years or so. So why didn't I just say, "W, I mentioned about a month ago that I was not willing to stay in a sexless marriage forever. Have you given that any thought?"? Why? I guess I just wussed out. It was a clear opening, a logical continuation, a perfect opportunity to discuss this.
I'm almost afraid to mention this, but I blame it on part on my dependence on this Board, and my absence from it. Yes, I am an SSM Board addict.
Anyway, I haven't given up...just need to bring it up on my own terms, at my own time.
I wish you all the luck in the world. I understand your needing to bring it up in your own time. I have the same feeling. Although things have gone a little better for me. Make this new year a very happy one
Hairy, Don't beat yourself up too much for having a chickensh*t moment. We all have them.
Over the years I have harangued and harrassed my H over various topics (all in regards to sex, of course ) but it wasn't because I was so brave and forthright. I was acting out of fear, otherwise I would not have resorted to anger every single time. I had to get myself all worked up in order to be able to broach the topic and not let him throw me off at his first possible opportunity.
I understand perfectly the dynamics of the "nice family trip, now I have to ruin it with a sex comment" moment.
I don't know what to tell you about when to bring it up but you'll know when the time is right. Or as right as it's gonna get! For me, I think hearing the words "Look W, we made love two times last year....." would send my heart into panic mode. I would never expect a man to stay married to me under those conditions.
Quote: I'm almost afraid to mention this, but I blame it on part on my dependence on this Board, and my absence from it. Yes, I am an SSM Board addict.
LOL. I hope you at least find yourself in good company.
I think you need to get some sort of mic/headset/computer voice recognition thingamabob so that Corri and HP can hear what is going on as you confront Ms. HD and give you instant advice in real time. Either that or you need to figure out how you can keep repeating the same encounter with Ms.HD over again until you get it right, like in the movie "Groundhog Day". By the time you repeat the day for the tenth time, the "hand on upper thigh" move will probably not be so exciting and you will be able to proceed from a position less "wussy".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I've been angling for some modern-day mechanical Cyrano de Bergerac device so that I can keep my wits about me when discussing this with my H. I think we need to light a fire under our resident Muscle Bound Techno Geek's arse so that he devises such a machine that we can help HDoggie out. Of course, I'm leaving myself out of it as the only moo's I know about are the ones emanating from the cows we had back home on the farm!
HP, whose father would die laughing if he could only hear his daughter describing herself in such podunk cowgirl terms. LOL
I'm laughing at the idea of the headset/mic. In a way, I was doing that, as I found myself continually asking, "What would Corri do?, or what would HP do? or what would JJ do...etc."
You guys just seemed to abandon me in my time of need.
That's okay, I'll have plenty of opportunities to bring it up. W just sent me an email about the Wisconsin Bar, hoping that I'll seriously consider moving up there upon retirement, or earlier. How can I plan to buy property with her 5-10 years down the road when I have a problem envisioning us together this time next year?
You need to say to her: W, I have not been honest with you. I am sorry for that but from now on, I want to be honest regardless of what the fallout will be. I have been acting as if I was content with the status quo, leading you to believe that things can continue the way they have been. This is not fair to you, as my internal feelings are anything but content. I need for things to change or I doubt I will be able to stay in this marriage--I cannot compromise my integrity and stay happy. Sex is important to me and, I believe, an important part of marriage. If we can't come to an agreement about it, I doubt we will be retiring to WI. I am sorry if this comes as a shock to you, that was never my intention to blindside you. I am finally at a point where I am willing to say 'this is who I am and I hope you want to take part in me'. "
Sounds like you might be closser to saying something like that to W? I hope so, maybe she doesn't think you are serious about the state of your marriage?
I have never been able to accurately tell what she is thinking. I know it's going to be scary to tell her this, but things won't get better unless I face that fear.
Very true my friend. I suppose I just got lucky in that H realised something was wrong with the whole M and decided by himself that something had to be done. Now, in the past year not much in the sexual department has evolved, but he has been much much nicer to me and has stopped doing alot of things that I have told him time and time again bother me. We have alot of work to do, and I know it will be hard, and I also have to have a talk with H about communication and sexual things. I also have not gotten up the nerve to broach this. He does show physical interest about once a month, and when this does happen its not the least bit interesting. I could tell you exactly what will happen and in what order, but at least he shows SOME interest periodically, so that gives me hope that someday we can get on the right track.......... maybe.
) but it wasn't because I was so brave and forthright. I was acting out of fear, otherwise I would not have resorted to anger every single time. I had to get myself all worked up in order to be able to broach the topic and not let him throw me off at his first possible opportunity.